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a CITIZEN JOURNALIST reports from battleground USA, 13

Not one to trust the local media, I took to the streets of Denver to find out just how effective this week’s economic boycott on behalf of undocumented workers has been.

  • Finding 1:  Hispanic hookers working the Val Verde “Yacht Club” all present and accounted for—except for Lupe, who is out with “bad cold sores.”

  • Finding 2:  “Rico Pollo” restaurant on Alameda reports no decline in business.  “Everybody loves the crazy chicken,” the manager tells me, before asking if I want to buy some gold rims for my truck.

  • Finding 3:  Sales of Mexican beer up 26%—though local retailers note that they suspect “Republican shills” of buying large quantities of Corona Lite to “discredit the people’s uprising.”

  • Finding 4:  My gardener showed up 45 minutes late this afternoon, claiming he suffered a flat tire on 1-25 near Brighton.  But on his breath I could have sworn I smelled a hint of revolutionary fervor.  Could have been cilantro, though.

  • Finding 5:  Conversely, the guy who put in my patio showed up today to give me an estimate on a pathway running from my driveway to my back gate.  Which is cool, because dragging my trashcan over landscaping rocks is, like, a total pain.

Raw data.  I report, you decide, Shep Smith gets his nails done and prays for another hurricane…

Developing…

19 Replies to “a CITIZEN JOURNALIST reports from battleground USA, 13”

  1. wishbone says:

    To recap:

    Uncontrolled immigration = dignity

    Free trade that might obviate the need for uncontrolled immigration = capitalist plot to undermine indigenous lifestyles and U.S. labor unions

    You gotta give it to the lefties–They have raised internal inconsistencies to the level of art.  Jackson Pollack-esque vomit stain art, but art nonetheless.

  2. My Baja Fresh order was an extra 3 minutes late.

  3. Pablo says:

    Things were pretty quiet in the Lucent boardroom.

  4. Robert says:

    Re item #2, the spelling of the spanish word for chicken is pollo, not polo.

  5. Jeff Goldstein says:

    Well, I changed it, Robert, but maybe they were going for some Hispanic play on words?

    Or—alternately—maybe I was drunk when I wrote this post.

    WHAT WOULD SHEPARD SMITH DO?

  6. Lupe says:

    WHAT WOULD SHEPARD SMITH DO?

    Pues, no me di la propina.

  7. SteveG says:

    Ah… the illegal alien polo playing Argentines.

    Arrogant bastards all… if you want to make them mad, ask them “what part of Mexico are you from?”

    Then they sputter like Elmer Fudd

  8. Lew Clark says:

    But did supply and demand kick up the street price of really good dope.  That would be prime indicator that this thing is really tanking the economy.

  9. Pablo says:

    Rico Pollo? Have you no El Pollo Loco?

    Oh, the humanity! And the avianity!

  10. gahrie says:

    So am I the only one who thinks the mysterious fifth Cylon is Karl Rove?

    And who the hell made Bob Dylan the Cylon God?

    (sorry to hi jack the thread..but these questions needed to be asked)

  11. Jeff Goldstein says:

    Off topic, but my traffic has fallen to unprecedented levels.

    Time for nude photos of supermodels.

  12. Pablo says:

    I’m all for nude supermodels (and I’ve got a delicious peekaboo shot of Elizabeth Hurley I’d be happy to contribute), but is it really that bad, bunky?

    Take away the Nutty Professor spike, and the place just needs a bit more Goldstein. If you write it, they will come. Half of them will be rabid leftoids, true. But they’ll come. Especially if there’s primo nudity.

    tw: really19

  13. mojo says:

    Don’t tease the Robo-Shep, Jeff. You know how sensitive he is. Plus, he’s already despondent over today’s revelation that Anna Nicole OD’d.

    I know, I know. You coulda knocked me over with a feather too.

  14. WHAT WOULD SHEPARD SMITH DO?

    probably make some joke about being drunk and….

    oh.

  15. Sean M. says:

    Off topic, but my traffic has fallen to unprecedented levels.

    My dozen or so regular readers are playing a concerto with the world’s smallest violins.

    It sounds tinny, as you might expect.  Now, bring on the nude supermodels!

  16. Jeff Goldstein says:

    Actually, I’d love to do more posting.  And soon it will happen.

    But I’m being kept very busy by someone who is finally realizing the end might be near.  Which has driven it into a frenzy of libel.

    Seriously. It’s like it strapped itself with a Semtex vest, and when it detonated, it threw chunks of libel in a million different directions.

    I’ve been acting as a CSI investigator of late, tracking down the trajectories and photographing the scenes, as it were.

  17. slackjawedyokel says:

    I’ve been acting as a CSI investigator of late, tracking down the trajectories and photographing the scenes, as it were.

    Cool!  Can we get, like, one of those those computer generated slo-mo sequences of a piece of libel slicing into somebody’s chest and the capillaries and stuff bubbling out of the way?

    And at the end, you can take off your sunglasses, intone, “Injustice should bother everyone,” then walk out of the frame.

    Showgirls would be good, too.  And hookers.  And maybe nude cheerleaders.

  18. MarkD says:

    Isn’t Corona lite redundant?

    TW:  I’m against13 trips to the bathroom before I get a buzz.

  19. And at the end, you can take off your sunglasses, intone, “Injustice should bother everyone,” then walk out of the frame.

    You really see Jeff as a Horatio Caine type? I see him more as a Gil Grissom type.

    You know—drawing a pint of new employee’s blood, fetal pigs in jars in the basement, that kind of thing.

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