I’m not sure what my perfect first date would be. Maybe a glass of seltzer with lime and a night researching medical symptoms on the internet? Then he could move some of my furniture around and fix my computer. Or, even better: I’d be invited over to a man’s house for a game of Scrabble. We’d get into an argument over whether or not a word was legal and then we’d look it up together in the dictionary and he’d see I was right. I’d win. He’d take my hand, stare into my eyes and tell me how impressed he was. But then I’d screw it up. Because just when he was expecting it to turn smoochy, I’d wonder if he let me win on purpose to get the game over with so that I’d ask for a rematch.
Ariel Leve is a New York based senior writer with The Sunday Times Magazine. In addition to her column, Cassandra, her interviews and features appear regularly. In 2005 she was nominated for a British Press Award for Interviewer of the year. She has written comedy for television and is currently working on her first novel
Twipe.
UPDATE: Somehow (so errant are the pathways of association in my mind) this reminded me that I hadn’t checked in on Jackie Mackey Paisley Passey in a while. We learn that her puppy has an Oedipus complex, and that she was destined ab ovo to be a (grandeur) feminist:
An email from my mother:
Jacqueline  I’ve really enjoyed reading these latest posts about “feminism.†Didn’t you explain to them ALL that you really had no choice? That you were predetermined in the womb to be a raving feminist? That your mother marched at the FIRST EVER Women Take Back the Night in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, when you were just 2 months in embryo in 1977? And then, at age 2 months you participated in your first Pro-Choice march in Akron, Ohio?
So she had no choice but to be pro-choice. Most of the other recent posts are about something called Nutroosystem, or something like that.
My perfect first date? Anyone but her.
Hey, anyone who reads Niven can’t be all bad.
Hypocrite!
(It’s the 18th. You said I could.)
I remember reading somewhere that Harlan Ellison was on one of the early incarnations of The Dating Game. After a while he got so fed up with the dullard beaus and the dullard host and the dullardette that when she asked him what their first date might be like, he replied that they’d go down to the city dump, and, using a pair of pearl-handled revolvers, “amuse ourselves by shooting rats”.
Needless to say, he wasn’t chosen.
Did you guys read the comments to that second post?
That is why I only agree to play Strip-Scrabble.
Angie, thanks for holding off.
Someday, when I’m Emperor, I think I’ll employ you to follow me around whispering into my ear, “Remember that you are mortal and not very bright, you prick.”
“Remember that you are mortal and not very bright, you prick.â€Â
“But at least the laurel leaves cover up your bald spot.”
I can see you have practice at this.
when you were just 2 months in embryo in 1977? And then, at age 2 months you participated in your first Pro-Choice march in Akron, Ohio?
Wow, at least her mother “chose” to let her live to be at the march.
Sad and pathetic. Really.
I’d forgotten about Jackie Mackey etc, etc.
Nutrisystem, eh? They’ve been in the news a lot recently, and I seem to recall having read that, notwithstanding the Dan Marino and Don Shula commercials, their average customer is a 210 lb. female.
No more “glamor shots” for Jackie, I guess? The world breathes a sigh of relief.
No diet system in the world is going to work if people don’t use it right. I’m losing about three pounds a week on average—but I have a little bit more incentive than most NutriSystem customers: I absolutely do not ever want to have to inject myself with insulin multiple times a day.
*
Is the term “grandeur feminist” your own invention? I need to know whether to be jealous of you or someone else.
That’s my term, Paul, though I’m rather jealous of the author of your quote, to tell you the truth.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed how warped it is to drag your baby to an abortion rally. Sheesh.
How long have you been doing it? I’m doing about a pound a week now, but was 2-3 a week when I first started.
I know that feeling. That, having too little blood in my cholesterol system, and looking like a sphere.
RWS, Sean M., you read my mind. I wonder if she’s an only child…
I guess about a month or so now. The first week after my diagnosis I was hoping I could get things under control just by skipping desserts, but that didn’t work so I got serious.
My doctor says my cholesterol numbers are wrong way round, but she’s letting me concentrate on blood sugar for now and we’ll look at the cholesterol again in a couple more months. I figure what I’m doing should make some kind of difference, and if it’s not enough then it’ll be time to make some additional adjustments.
Almost forgot: one new medication she’s prescribed is supposed to give more help on the blood sugar while also helping me lose weight a little faster.
I’ve been stuck bouncing around in the neighborhood between 270 and 300 for the last several years (and I was way up over 300 for way too long before that), and I’m really looking forward to getting back to about where I was when I graduated from high school.
And then losing another thirty to fifty pounds after that.
For the record, Robert & McGehee, and I hope it’s not necessary, I haven’t a thing against NutriSystem, diets in general, or people on diets.
I do dislike pretentious ninnies, however, and will pretend to be mildly ashamed at having chuckled on reading of JMPP’s transition from high-self-esteem glamour narcissist to someone with perhaps a bit more realistic view on one tiny slice of what’s considered normal human effort.
I can’t believe we’ve come this far in this thread without a single “cock on tap” joke.
LOL, this causes the worst fights between RTO and I. I was thinking we hadn’t played in a while, and then I remembered why. it always goes like this:
MK: I don’t think that’s how you spell that.
RTO: sure it is.
MK: no, no it’s not.
RTO: DO YOU HAVE TO LOOK UP EVERY $%*$%* WORD I PLAY?!!! HUH!? JUST ONCE COULD YOU NOT TOUCH THE DICTIONARY!?
MK: HOW BOUT YOU LEARN TO SPELL YOU MORAN!?
good times, good times.
Uhhhh…I think you’re looking for “moron,” there, Maggie. That’ll help you to win some future Scrabble games.
Understood. The first disparaging word about NutriSystem was by Dan anyway. He’s got some ‘splaining to do, but then he always does.
I could bore everyone with a list of my failed weight-loss attempts, but I try not to bore everyone more than once per thread if there’s not a troll in it.
Sorry, McGehee. I was ranking on JMPP, rather than NutriSystem. Anyway, with all my failed attempts to quit smoking, who am I to talk?
Heh. I could pray that JMPP proves to be allergic to NutriSystem, will that help?
I can see the tabloid headline now: Diet Food Causes Columnist to Balloon to Freakish 998 Lbs!
[…]
Well no—that would get the stuff taken off the market, and then where would I be?