dymphna responds to an earlier post
How come there are no women commenters in this thread?
Steve, who seems to have actually discussed this with women has come very close to a good summation of what woman want (in case you’re listening, Freud).
When I used to do crisis counseling with battered women the idea of a “safe†man was a recurrent theme, hashed over again and again as women struggled to figure out why they hadn’t seen it coming…”but he was so *nice*”…
Handsome isn’t necessarily safeâ€â€very often, having gotten by on his looks since he was two, Handsome may tend toward narcissism. *tend*â€â€they’re not all like that, except for those in Hollywood.
Very wealthy men are of two categories: inherited and earned. The former do tend to make strategic alliances, though some of these partnerships are disastrous. See Ethel Kennedy family tree.
The latter, with their earned wealth, have a different sense of entitlement. Usually they’re looking for drop-dead beautiful as a further proof of their success. Again, just a tendency, not an absolute. There is a high rate of divorce in this category due to the driven nature of high earners. Just ask any bitter ex-wife of a doctor who ended up raising the children by herself only to have him trade her in after 30 years for a newer model. Strangely, the new one often looks like the old one, just 30 years younger.
Anyway, that said, here’s the “safe†list my battered women evolved over the years:
1. He gets on well with his family, particularly his mother or sisters. Family members don’t do dramas or cut off relationships –e.g, his momma gets on with her own family and her in-laws (as best she can).
2. He works steadily at a job he really likes. Never leaves one job without having lined up another. Isn’t a work-a-holic.
3. He has an avocation that really engages himâ€â€fishing, reading, motorcycles…whatever. But not so absorbing he’s never home.
4. He has some interest in the larger world and gives some of his time to a community group or someone in need. Like maybe he mows the yard for the old people next door.
5. His moods are reliable. Not happy-sappy, just predictable– e.g., you know for certain how he feels abd what he will say and how loud he’ll say it ifâ€â€againâ€â€you borrow his tools and don’t put them back. A corollary: the person he is in public is the same person he is at home. No Jekylls/Hydes need apply.
6. His times and routines are predictable. He’s never three days late for dinner.
7. He has a sense of humor and thinks you’re funny, too. You share secret jokes.
8.He’s sensible about money.
9. He enjoys children to some extent, especially his own. He sees them as people.
10. He’s trustworthy. Keeps his word.
It’s been a few years, so that’s the list as I remember it –though maybe there were twelve qualities, not ten. I think one was “no substance abuse of any kind†since that was a frequent problem. And I believe they decided that a “loner†was a danger signal since it meant you couldn’t have friends, either…
Sorry to be so lengthy, but it’s something I’ve thought about a lot in the course of talking to well over three thousand scared, confused womenâ€â€and having some of them die, and some of them kill.
Guess I’ll have to make this a post myself. You sure brought back old memories.
(BTW, this really does cut across socio-economic lines. And political ones, too. Though the latter didn’t enter the equation much if the abuse was severe. No room to think about anything else)
Well, I appreciate some positive feedback. I don’t see this is “bad news”, I mean, good grief, what do people want, anyway?
I thought the above list was pretty good with what I have heard, seen over the years. One thing I didn’t mention and which she did was that guys should have some hobbies, like, say, posting on proteinwisdom. The underlying idea is that no couple wants to be in each other’s hair ALL the time, so the guy has to have something else that he does. If he doesn’t have hobbies, he’s more likely to stray, also.
Reliability and dependability are important assets. Being able to be “intimate” with your partner, which entails humor, is also of course essential. I mean “intimate” in a non-sexual sense.
Young men and women often have goofy ideas about it. Marriage is essentially teamwork between a man and a woman who can be friends, and who can pleasurable sex with each other. That’s basically it. So, if you’re looking for that, just look for someone you can work with. Sex is important, esp when young, but looks have nothing to do with sexual pleasure. That’s a fact.
steve …. trust me on this , the older you get ,the more important sex gets .
I can dig that, but I was thinking more along the lines of frequency than importance. On the other if you are telling me your frequency has increased with age, hey, good for you.
Perhaps you should think about quality . For me that’s more important .
Sorry I missed the earlier thread (less than 2 weeks ‘til close of escrow…the house is filling with boxes and I’m still watching my grandsons on the weekends… ok..enough whining)
Let me say the above list is good for either sex.
Boiled down the qualities are steadiness in temperament, reasonableness in attitude, loyalty and thoughtfulness in familial and community obligations, comfortableness (and humblenss) in one’s own self, and willingness to enjoy both short term and plan for long term.
I like hot, smart, really good looking, owning a fantastic ass (because when you’re mad at ‘em you can still admire his ass), hard-working, funny, into personal hygiene but not a pretty-boy, secure around all types of people, kind to animals and children. Did I mention a great ass?
Bad news? I think not, Collins. I am built for comfort, not for speed.
Hmm. Either you had better be the equivalent of the above (if such a conglomeration of traits is even possible, I certainly have never seen it), or you’d better like cats a lot.
Melissa, are you sure you’re not a guy?
TW: “boys79”—how does it do that?
I didn’t answer in that thread because I’m not a male PW reader.
Eh. I don’t know. Polls and lists just don’t give the whole picture. Sure, a girl can say what she likes or wants in a guy, but once she meets the right man…all bets are off.
My own husband is incredibly good-looking but I would never worry that he would stray just because he would have the opportunity.
My sister’s ex-husband seemed to have an interesting avocation, until it turned out he was really just using it as an excuse for time away from home to bonk other woman.
As for the rich thing? Fabulously wealthy men don’t have a good record of being faithful. Plus, you’d always have to be afraid they’ve slept around with supermodels, actresses, and high-priced call girls. No woman dreams of competing with that.
What you really are attracted to is so different than any list can adequately describe.
What is it about women at any age who choose to become marriage wreckers? I don’t think men would be able to cheat if they didn’t have so many cheating women from which to choose a cheating partner.
Am I the only woman who looks at my gender as gold-digging cheaters who will do anything including betrayal against their own sisterhood to be Daddy’s Little Girl?
I don’t think you mean to totalize your gender that way, syn. It’s not my experience, though I’m sure there are plenty of them.
My wife and I share secret jokes. Often they’re so secret that not even she gets them.
9. He enjoys children to some extent,
That wording cracks me up. Don’t want him enjoy children to the wrong extent.
8.He’s sensible about money.
“Rules for Guys, Vol. XXVII, Chap. 12”
2346(a) – Did we mention “never give your credit card to a woman.”?
Melissa,
I might be your guy.
My donkey won a 4-H prize.
Longest ears.