One of the things that I most vividly remember about being in grade school was that we were all expected to bring Valentine’s cards for everyone else in the class. So, you’d want to try and save anything not too terribly ghey for the boys in your class (such as puppies or baseball players). The closer you could get to a message that said, “I don’t think you’re repulsive,” the better, but generally it was hard to come up with anything quite that neutral. For girls, you wanted to give them something that was sweet, but not sappy, that didn’t seem to imply that you had some kind of freaky crush on them. And there was always that person who was kind of invisible, and you worried that you’d forget him or her, and inevitably did. In other words, it was a giant pain in the ass, and you dreaded it every year.
So, in honor of this most regrettable of “occasions,” I’m wondering: if you could design the little saying on one of those chalky candy hearts, what would you say? Remember, your sentiment has to be able to fit on one of those little candy hearts.
“Stop breathing on me.”
You don’t stink.
I have a fond memory about grade-school Valentine’s Day—a group of guys sitting in the back of the classroom, playing poker for candy hearts. This was fifth, maybe sixth grade. The only reaction I remember from the teacher was a strange look.
That’s because she overheard the betting: “I’ll see your BE MINE and raise you an I LUV U.”
“If a condition known as Priapism occurs, see your doctor immediately”
(Written REALLY small!)
R U
1 2?
I guess it’s easier being a girl on Valentine’s Day. I just had to 1) save the nicer ones for people I liked and 2) save the ickier ones for people I hated. Since there really wasn’t that much difference between the two, it wasn’t that hard a chore.
You need to watch more MST3K, Dan. They’ve already solved the problem with “Bittersweethearts”, little heart-shaped candies (which are actually chewable antacids!) that have little sayings suitable to the adult romance scene:
“Get out”
“My needs”
“You’ll do”
“I’m tested”
“Like a brother”
“It’s blue”
BUSH LIED!
[chicks dig the BDS, you see.]
“I have a disease, but I love to share.”
And then there’s this.
You should make one for Amanda.
(Hilarity ensues.)
I feel played by Valentines Day, aka VD. If you are married or in a long term relationship you are screwed, but I would recommend men consider dumping their significant others on December 15 and not considering a new girlfriend until after February 15 (you can buy her VD stuff at half price then).
If you are horny in the interim, try one night stands and prostitutes.
“neo-conned”
“St. Fitz Day”
“Bush Hat Blk Ppl”
meager offerings
“The fastest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.”
“Love-you-not” and “I forget you.” I think. I may have those backwards.
Where the hormones
There moan I
horny?
I like my romance right up front.
4 ploy
I’D DO YOU
OOPS
NICE SHOES
Are You For 86?
“Sorry I gave you the clap. But in my defense, I got it from your sister.”
Okay so that’s a bit long.
Lets try:
You slut
it burns
when i pee.
Your sister
is hot.
Blow Me.
I’m easy.
I
A heart shaped lapel pin that says “I have a heart on for you.” But wear carefully in mixed (gender) company. . .
Heh!
Indeed.
Wanna Fuck?
not
2nite
JWebb, you cannot in good conscience post an idea that super-great without providing a link to the purveyor of the aforementioned super-great thing.
In other words, Google failed me. Help!
eat me
Damn it, rooster, you got to my fave before I could.
Damn work distractions….
For Amanda:
“Jesus Or
Plan B?”
LIKE A VIKING
“My horse is jealous.”
Sorry Squid – is my hotmail email link down again?
“Like a Shetland Pony”
“Get off my leg”
“Crabs are cute”
“Shut up bitch”
viagra
“Is there a fish market near here, or are you just happy to see me?”
You’ll do
U Seem “Safe”
’Fuck Me’
Fuck Hallmark.
tw: They serve no real necessary function14
R U Desperate?
“Trade some for my lunch tickets?”
And is it cheating to add another?
“Do you ever wash that?”
Whew! I could go on ‘til next week. Yes, that is only a comment, not a “heart nit”.
“It doesn’t bite”
How about MILF?
That is a real photo that my friend took recently.
One for the pre-pubescent:
Do U have pubes?
Or
I am priapus
GET OFF
MY UTER-
US
BLOW
POP
I’M
POP
Angie Schultz beat me to it. “BitterSweet Hearts” hahahaha But I liked their “Unhappy Meals” and “SquareMaster” even bettah. MST3K RULZ!!
I cannot believe no one mentioned:
69 is Devine!
poo-pa-poo
Robert–Devine? That’s just gross.
Sod off, swampy!
“I want your heart—for my collection.”
My older brother once put something like “Jo, I love you so much” on one of my valentines in the 5th grade, and didn’t tell me about it.
Jo hounded me for 2 years, and I couldn’t figure out why, until my brother finally told me about it.
I never forgave him.