Hi! I’m posting this from a wild discoteque! I can hardly hear myself think, much less type!
I’ve been to Ibiza, Milan, Paris, Barcelona, Buenos Aires . . . I’ve sampled the nightlife. But almost nothing compares to the place I am now! I think I may have taken too much ecstasy. Rio . . . what, beautiful? No . . . my online friends. Yeah, just a minute. I said I’LL BE RIGHT THERE!
Anyway, I used to be a sad shut-in like you, typing away on my lonely computer on a Saturday night. Yes, please, another round! No, just BRING THE FUCKING BOTTLE!
Then, I found David DeAngelo’s Double Your Dating! I thought to myself, well! double nothing is nothing! But I was wrong.
You guys are doing everything backwards, you should be . . . women are . . . shoot, here’s the conga line! Gotta go! What? Sorry, TOO LOUD! Good luck!
I’ve got a fever and a raging sinus infection. If I lie down, my head will ‘splode all over.
Scoring points off your local dopey trolls helps my fever.
So does a Dewars toddy….
WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!
IT’S TOO LOUD! DO YOU LIKE BANANARAMA?
NO I HATE FRUITY DRINKS! JUST GET ME A BEER.
NO THANKS! I JUST ATE!
HAHAHAHA, MAGGIE! NO, BOB’S NOT QUEER! I CAN SEE WHY YOU MIGHT THINK THAT, THOUGH!
HARRISON . . . WORRY ABOUT YOUR ESTATE TOMORROW!
THERE’S NO BEER? WHAT KIND OF SNOBBY HELLHOLE IS THIS?
WHO’S GOTTA DATE TOMORROW?
YOU WORK AT A THINKTANK?
NOT ON THE FIRST DATE!!!
I’D LOVE TO, BUT I’M MARRIED!
I SAID, I’M MARRIED!
MERRY? LIKE THE HOBBIT? COOL!
Hey, I’ve hardly been online all day, buddy. These three damn Vietnamese outcall hookers keep rolling over on the laptop…
It’s so true. When I was a dickhead, I had to beat women off with a stick.
Then, when I got older and more in touch with my “feelings”, I started to think that women would like nice guys. What happened? Instead of having too many women to pick from, I couldn’t get laid yo save my life!
BZZZZZT! LOSER! What an asshole! Act like you care, and you are history..
Unfortunately, I am now old enough to say this without fear of reprisal. Sorry girls, but the ba boys are on the fast track.
Being nice is being a loser.
I now await my execution by all women who claim that they like “nice” guys.
But really. The day I got “nice” was the last day I had sex. Well, good sex, anyway.
Oh well…
This music is making my sinuses explode, and I can’t yell….
*snort*
I’m just gonna go home, fix a stiff Dewar’s toddy and check out Protein Wisdom.
I don’t think that’s really a chick, y’know?
*snort*
YEAH I HEAR THERE’S THIS GREAT GUY NAMED GLENN AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE. HE WROTE A BOOK, AND WAS MENTIONED ON THE FLOOR OF CONGRESS……
That would be “bad boys”. I would hate to give anyone the impression that I am into sheep.
I DON’T THINK YOU’RE ALLOWED TO DO THAT ON THE FLOOR, EVEN HERE!
SLEEP LATER, TLD!
THAT’S DEMORALIZING! WHAT? BEING MADE TO BEAT THEM OFF WITH A STICK!
WOULD YOU PEOPLE GET OUT OF HERE! THIS ISN’T A FRIGGIN DISCOTEQUE. IT’S A FURNATURE STORE, AND WE’VE BEEN CLOSED FOR HOURS. AND WHAT THE HELL IS THAT YOUR DRINKING OUT OF THAT PAPER BAG?
SUZANNE? SHE’S DANCING WITH ROGER ON THE SIDEBOARD! HEY, WHERE DID HARVEY THE FUCKING POOKAH GO?
Not to mention letting them sap and impurify your vital bodily essences, sonny. I’ve been saying that for years.
What’s that? Oh.
BOURBON AND RAINWATER, PLEASE!
AND VINEGAR!
REALLY…. I AM DIRECTING , PRODUCING AND STARRING IN A MAJOR , SECRET , BIG BUDGET HOLLYWOOD MOVIE …DID I MENTION I’M ALSO DOING THE CASTING ……
HE’S ALSO A NAVY SEAL!
SOME BASTARD STOLE MY EFFIN’WALLET , SAY HONEY THINK YOU CAN GET THIS ONE????
HEY, BD! IT’S THE GHOST OF KEN KESEY ON LINE 3!
VD ???? PISS OFF DAN , I’M FREAKIN’ WORKING HERE… SO BABY , EVER TAKEN A HIT FROM A COLORADO LICKING TOAD ?????
I LOVED THE DAVINCI CODE!
..YEAH IT REALLY IS LOUD IN HERE …WHAT ?…NO I DON’T WANT TO LICK YOUR NOSE …..
MAKE MINE A (HIC) DOUBLE !!!
There goes the book club meeting.
Hmmmm.
Hey Dan!
DAN!!
They’re all She-Males!!
No! Not LESBIANS! SHE-MALES!!
DAN!! CHECK THE JUNK!!
EEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!! YOU’LL BE SORRY IN THE MORNING DAN!
LEGAL PROBLEMS ???? HAD TA QUIT IT ….. DUDE , I THINK YOU JUST PISSED YOURSELF .
DON’T BOGART THE TOAD, YOU BASTARD!
ED? AREN’T YOU INTO FUNK?
DON’T SUCK THE GREEN BALLOONS! THANKS, MAGGIE!
I thought balloons were a defensive weapon!
AY WHADDIME DOESSA KAROOKY START? WE OTTA ALL SING ONE DAGETHER!
NO THANKS! I JUST ATE!
REALLY?? WHEN ARE YOU DUE?
I’ve been to Ibiza, Milan, Paris, Barcelona, Buenos Aires…
But have you ever been to you?
HEY, I KNOW ED LIKED THE SEX PISTOLS BACK IN THE DAY!
OH, SO NOW YOU’RE GOING TO BARF. I TOLD YOU NOT TO DRINK THAT SWEET CHICK BOOZE. DUMBASS.
A EWE? NEVER. I’M MORE INTO MOOSE HEADS.
WE ARE THE WOOOOOOOOOORRRRLLLLLDDDDD
WE ARE THE CHHHAAAAAAMPIIIOOOOONNNNSSS
DID YOU SAY HEAD …… OR HEADS ?
OKAY, WHO GAVE B MOE THE MICROPHONE?
I LOVE MOOSEHEAD! A GREAT CANADIAN BEER! BUT I THOUGHT MAGGIE SAID THEY DON’T HAVE BEER HERE!
DAN SAID THERE’S NO BEER.
IT’S TRUE WE’LL MAKE A BETTER DAY JUST YOU AND MEEEEE!
NO MAGGIE! DAN WAS SAYING HE COULD SEE THROUGH BOB’S TANK TOP.
DAN SAID WHO’S QUEER???
OKAY, MY TURN!
CRAZY, I’M CRAZY FOR FEELING SO LON-LEEEEEE . . .
CRAZY, I’M CRAZY FOR FEELING SOOOO BLUE . . .
….. LADIES ….YOWZA…. DID I MENTION I’M A TEST PILOT WHEN I’M NOT FIGHTING GLOBAL WARMING , ONE STINKING MEGATONNE AT A TIME ?
HEY! YOU SPILLED THAT MOOSEHEAD ON MY LAP! NOW IT LOOKS I PISSED MYSELF!
IT’S TRUE. HE’S A TEST PILOT. ME? I DRIVE RACE CARS. I ALSO DO SOME SPECIAL FORCES STUFF THAT I CAN’T TALK ABOUT.
I PLAY ARENA FOOTBALL. I’M THE BACKUP PUNTER FOR CHICAGO BRUISERS.
HEY, LOOK, THAT GUY JUST PISSED HIMSELF. WHAT AN IDIOT!
UH, YEAH, CRANKY-D MOST PEOPLE WOULDN’T BRAG ABOUT RIDING THE SHORT BUS.
I’M GOING TO THE JOHN. I GOTTA BLOW DRY MY CROTCH.
<b>HEY, MAN, AS LONG AS YOU DON’T DRIVE FORMULA 1 – OR PLAY SOCCER – I’M COOL WITH THAT.
BY THE WAY, I DON’T THINK IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’VE KISSED YOURSELF . . . OH, MY DRINK! SORRY. BETTER STICK TO MY G&Ts, HUH?<b>
WE’LL BLOW BY YOUR HOUSE LATER MISHU…. JUST GO DRY YOUR PANTS IN THE RESTROOM.
DOING BLOW IN THE BATHROOM IS SO 1980’S.
OH MY GOD! SOMEONE GET DAN DOWN FROM THERE!
RIDING SHORTS? NO, I DON’T WEAR THOSE. DO YOU?
HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS CD , ON SATURDAYS I’M THE TEST PILOT AND YOU’RE THE BRAIN SURGEON………IT’S FRIDAY YOU’RE THE RACE CAR DRIVER , AND KEEP YOUR FILTHY MITTS OFF MY SPECIAL FORCES ROUTINE ….CAUSE YOU KNOW I CAN KILL YOU WITH THIS ONE FINGER ….. HEY IT’S GETTING LATE CHECK THOSE TWO OUT ….YEAH THEY’RE WASTED……C’MON CD LET’S GO …
DAN!
HEY, WHERE’D B MOE GO? HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY WINGMAN HERE.
DAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! REMEMBER LAST TIME!? THE TIME WITH ALL THE BLOOD? I KNOW THE NURSES ARE PRETTY, BUT IT’S NOT WORTH IT!!!!
ALRIGHT, BDC, I CAN’T FIND B MOE SO LETS GET OUTTA HERE… BUT NEXT TIME I WANT TO BE THE TEST PILOT.
I REALLY, REALLY LOVE YOU GUYS.
B MOE? I HEARD HE’S A TEST PILOT.
HE’S A PEST ALRIGHT! WHAT’RE YOU GONNA SING MAYBEE!?
CRANKY , I’M TELLING YOU THEY ARE BLASTED…. NOW WHY DON’T YOU GO UP THERE AND BREAK THE ICE….. I’LL JUST STAND HERE AND LOOK COOL .
THANKS MAYBEE, NOW BE A DEAR AND GET ME A BEER
AND DON’T BE NICE CRANKY, GIRLS HATE THAT
OH, NO. LAST TIME WE DID IT THAT WAY YOU “SAVED THEM” FROM ME AND I GOT NOTHING. IT’S TOGETHER OR NOT AT ALL.
I DON’T STING, MAGGIE. I’M NOT REALLY A BEE.
NO KIDDING LEE. I WAS NICE FOR YEARS AND IT GOT NOTHING. IT’S SMARTER TO BE AN ASSHOLE. THE LADIES LOVE THAT.
OH C’MON MAYBEE! BMOE SANG, YOU CAN’T BE WORSE THAN HIM.
OK CRANKY …..GRANTED , LAST TIME YOU DID GO ABOVE AND BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY AS FAR AS TEAM PLAY GOES ……… WHAT SAY WE FLIP THIS TIME ????
I KNOW, MAYBEE! I HAVEN’T BEEN A “B” EITHER SINCE I WAS 13!
EH, SCREW IT BILL, I’LL GO.
SO, LADIES, HOWZIT GOING?
HEY RACE CAR GUY! LOVELY EVENING?
[CHIRP-CHIRP CHIRP-CHIRP]
OH, THERE’S THE OLD BALL-AND-CHAIN. GUESS I’LL HAVE TO GET GOING. YOU SHOULD GO SING, THOUGH, MAYBEE, IT’S FUN! Y’ALL HAVE A GOOD NIGHT!
BY THE WAY, WHERE DID DAN GO? HE TOOK MY CIGARETTE LIGHTER! OH WELL.
FUCK ……YOU’RE RACECAR GUY TONITE …..CRANKY ….SOBER UP MAN … YOU LICKED THE TOAD HOW MANY TIMES?????
NO, WAIT! YES IT’S A LOVELY EVENING…
CRAP!
HI! MY NAME’S HUGH GRANT…..
TOO MUCH TOAD, MAN. I BETTER GO HOME. GOOD LUCK.
I’M GOING NOW, ANY OF YOU LADIES NEED A LIFT HOME IN MY LIMO?
OK, YOU THREE, COME ALONG
***Wooh***
Sorry that took so long to get your beer, Lee. I had to run to the ATM to get some money and…..
hey guys? Anybody still here?
What? I was passed out in a corner.
AND I LOVED THE DAVINCI TOAD, TOO!
<comes out of the back room>
HEY, ANYBODY WANT LEFTOVERS? ONE OF ‘EM IS AN EXOTIC DANCER WITH BOOBS THE SIZE OF VOLKSWAGENS, BUT I’M PRETTY SURE THE OTHER ONE ISN’T A DUDE.
BMoe. ARE YOU ACTUALLY A GUY?
I KNOW I AM OPENING MYSELF UP TO SOME SERIOUS CRITICISM, BUT I HAVE ALWAYS PICTURED YOU WITH GREAT TA-TAS! AM I IN FUDDY-DUDDY LAND? THE EVIDENCE SEEMS TO POINT THAT WAY.
WHY ARE WE YELLING IN A FURNITURE STORE?
TW: It’s spelled “ladder”, not “latter”.
HEY MY PANTS ARE… Hey, where did everybody go?
……..sniff ..sniff …..WHAT is that awful smell ???