of the Holy Bible, King James version:
Lots of violence, some sex, desultory plot
I ordered the Holy Bible because I like long books. Some parts of it, like the Book of Daniel and parts of Exodus, are pretty good, and the episode with Abraham almost sacrificing Jacob was good. Others are real snorers–there are parts that seem to consist of nothing but genealogies, for example.
The book focuses largely on a group of people known as the Jews. They live in the Middle East and seem always to be being overrun by more powerful nations, such as the Medes and the Persians. Every once in a while they kick […] themselves, as they do at Jericho.
After the deluge, God (who is sometimes referred to as Yaweh) promises not to wipe out the human race anymore, but people keep doing bad things and not listening to his prophets, so the punishments go on and on. Finally, Jesus of Nazareth arrives on the scene and saves the day. He simplifies the Commandments and has a knack for telling stories, or parables, that really illustrate what he’s driving at, but he gets crucified by the Romans, but comes back to life. I know that’s a spoiler, but it seems impossible to talk about the “New Testament” without adding that. After Jesus appears, it’s almost like God comes back much nicer, like he’s been in therapy or something.
I can’t really see them ever making a movie of this, or even a mini-series. The chapters seem almost like they’ve been written by a bunch of different people, with wildly varying styles. Like I said, parts of it were good, and it made me think and stuff, so overall I give the Holy Bible by King James three stars out of five.
I think that if they made a movie, it would almost have to star Charlton Heston in some capacity or another.
Or maybe Jim Caviezal? Caveizal?
and what up with all those “thee’s” and “thou”s? who talks like that?
I do, maggie. But then, I’m told I claim to be an intellectual. So it’s like, an accessory.
If they’re going to use Charlton, they’d better hurry, and not because of the damned dirty apes.
I went to the cinema yesterday, and saw that Peter O’Toole’s in something called Venus, coming out soon. I love the old boy, but these young woman/old man cinemaste fantasies are tiresome and sad.
I can dance to it…..
I thought there were some good stories, although I was never able to finish the whole thing. It is a bit long, I think, and disorganized and contradictory in parts. Overall, an interesting and influential book, but I’m not sure why it’s the all-time top seller. Maybe it could use a new translation.
To each his own, I suppose. I think it an oversight not to include Genesis as one of the notable upsides to the book.
Adam: I’m lonely!
God: You don’t say? Well, I can fix that! Now if you’ll just let me borrow this for a second…
It’s a humor goldmine.
Plus I’m told that Joseph had a very nice coat and some not so nice brothers. For those that are into fashion.
King James Bible… Isn’t that a prequel to “The Da Vinci Code”?
I think that the guy who wrote that book read it in the original Middle English, dorka.
That was funny.
Did you like this? Alas, no treatment of the New Testament included.
I haven’t read that one, hubris. Thanks for the tip.
A friend of mine says the way to read it is as a love story set in the midst of a great battle.
The pursuit of a free spirited unfaithful spouse.
Notice how often the first part of the book God portrays himself as a jealous lover and look at the imagery used to identify humans. Beloved etc. when faithful and a she-camel in heat running here and there sniffing the wind in her cravings when the relationship gets a little rough. Sin is called the pursuit of other lovers and is called adultery. Between the last OT prophet and the arrival of Jesus on the scene, God doesn’t answer Israels calls for about 500 years he’s so pissed.
The story has a villian who appears right away and there is a sub plot of some sort of Lord of the Rings type of inner earth battle complete with balrogs and shit, going on under the scene. Angels and spirit do battle in some type of free will experiment that seems to have gone horribly wrong…. so God trys it again on the human level and lets the inner battle rage on… this occasionally bubbles out.
The heroes of the story are all flawed. David takes his Generals wife and then murders him to cover it up. Moses murders a guy, Paul does too, Jacob steals, Peter is a coward, Elijah calls fire down from heaven one day and then hides in terror from Jezebel the next. Abraham sells his wife (and I believe invents the need for therapy by putting his son on the altar for a sacrifice…. something that seemed to have left a bit of a scar on the kids psyche). Point being these “saints”? They are you. And you.
The plan for saving the world from itself? You.
Jesus shows how it is to be done, and says: “you do it know” and goes home with a promise to help out if called, but where the old God used to occaisionally rip through the fabric of time and space…. now things seem a lot more subtle. Well at least until the end of the book where the pacifist in chief portrays himself as returning with a bloody sword and with his feet and the hem of his tunis stained with blood from what seems to have been a long and squishy wade.
All in all, a book in search of a sequel. Or maybe some new chapters. The endless cycle of betrayal and nastiness punctuated by seemingly futile attempts to teach free will beings how to break the cycles demands some type of ending.
I realize by God having about 90 people writing the thing illustrates that humans are writing history and are responsible for it… this makes for an uneven read. I realize we’ve been watching a reality show based on the book on CNN since the birth of the network… hopefully there is a fun ending. A fun ending is promised, but church portrays this “fun” as sitting in pews singing for eternity… which would make God more boring than the stories he tells…
Well, I’ll probably read the ending if it ever comes out…. 2007 years seems like a bit of a lapse and I’m sure the publisher is about to cancel the contract.
I thought I saw a movie made out of the King James Bible once—starring the Marx Brothers.
Who is this rat who would be my ears?
Too many ears tie a rat’s tongue.
You’re talking great cinema, here.
Don’t forget how repetitive the New Testament is. Same story over and over and over…
There’s acutally been a couple of attempts at sequels (one by a warrior dude who was a poor writer, but sure had a knack for new tortures and, some say, actually promises to the craziest of his fanbase some unending incorporeal copulations).
Another sequel provides for new text delivered on golden plates, but they obviously were not dishwasher safe, or were melted down after Roosevelt abolished private gold ownership in 1933 (he should have used stone tablets?)
It seems that all of these books progress with the increasing sophistication of the overall human condition; you will note that no new sequels are planned or would even be accepted at this point, unless that space-time continuum thingy were breached for all to see.
Or, our liberal leaders may just declare the entire series moot and untenable, and elevate themselves to roles generally saved for the Gods…
Lots of violence, some sex, desultory plot
Like serr8d implies, if it’s sex and violence you want, The Koran might be more to your liking. It hasn’t translated to the big screen very well, but quite a few reality shows are being made out of it all the time. Parental discretion definitely advised.
The Bible is a tough read.
That’s why I prefer the Urantia book. Two reasons
One, it was written by angels (there are even some Archangels in the mix)and left on somebodies front stoop in Chicago, or sumpin, back in the 1930’s (20’s?).
Two. The whole first third of the book is absolutely incomprehensible, so you don’t even have to bother trying to read it.
Also the part about the red people and the blue people is very entertaining.
Unfortunately, Moe Seigal has decided that he owns the book (and his personal book is the one with the slick red ribbon to keep your place).
That isw all.
That is both politically correct and not inclusive enough, theologically, simultaneously.
As usual, good work, Dan.
Not the big screen…yet.
I heard a couple of guys on the radio the other day, talking about a new TV show in Canada called, get this, Little Mosque on the Praire.
From what I understand, it’s about a very sophisticated community of muslims, in Saskatchewan I think, making the local rednecks the butt of their jokes.
Here is some more discussion.
It was Issac who was almost sacrificed by Abraham, not Jacob, son of Issac.
Thanks, Ray. Next, you’ll be telling me that it wasn’t written by King James.
lee–
Thing is, even though they’re Muslims and thus somewhat different, they’re disaffected with the West, and particularly America. So, of course it’s going to be a big hit with the libs. They’ve got so much more in common with those people than those people.
Oh, and thanks, geez. How’ve you been?
Right away you should notice that the book starts with ActIII.
ActI pretty much just assumes the eternal pre-existence of a being that is some sort of three in one God figure that is so hard to wrap my brain around I’ll just move on. Let’s just say they (the three God things) get bored and launch ActII. ActII is Free will experiment gone awry number one. Angels get made and one of ‘em (Lucifer) decides being best supporting actor is lame, so there he leads a revolt figuring heaven would run better under his control. Giant mess ensues. Case illustration is made of why evil beings sent off into exile require strict supervision, but evil being roams earth anyway. I guess every story needs a villian, but this seems a bit much.
ActIII begins with the most nebulous creation story ever…. hands down. Darwins Origin of the Species this is not… and thus we set off on free will experiment gone horribly awry number two. Acts III and IV are interactive. God sets the ball rolling on an anti-smegma campaign yet leaves evil seemingly unchecked. Audience begins to question priorities. Virgin birth, resurrection and ascension require an amount of faith that is so staggering 1/3 of the audience walks out. Another 1/3 dozes off. The remaining 1/3 is riveted. ActIV is pending. Previews are bizarre. The universal response is bafflement…. yet most people say they’d like to see it.
Darwin’s pretty nebulous as regards genesis.
I was playing the dictionary game once and came up with “the smegma of Zeus” as the definition, but nobody bought it. I think I’m just crap at that game.
Oops. The word was zeugma.
Well, as a woman, my favorite part is in Judges, where a woman (sharing my name) leads a great battle and another one in the same story line actually does the dirty deed of killing the bad guy in a very clever, yet gruesome way.
Big thumbs up!!
Well, they could have had a decent franchise if they’d wanted to, but they waited too long to act. You know, get some guy like that fellow who’s taken over for Ian Fleming, to keep writing more books. The syndication possibilities would have been endless. Now, the Muslims have gone and copyrighted the story line so you can’t make any changes to it.
O well..
But it was a good idea.
But it still needed more illustrations.
Ewwww.
Reminds me of a conversation I once had about the resiliency of Superman’s spermatozoa. I still wonder why.
Dan, I’ve been fine, mostly lurking.
Actually, ActIV was defined, in a sense, but wasn’t exactly pulled off during during the alloted time period. The cast exited stage left, before all the reviews were in.
To avoid major audience disappointment, a final apocalyptic cryptonomicon was delivered. It’s still a hit with a great number of people. however, we all hope it’s release will be delayed beyond at least the current presidency…
bears39…and the Saints go Marching Home…
Pretty decent read… though not as good as the DaVinci Code.
I think Dan Brown’s kind of lost his touch. I mean, for one, although there are evil characters and stuff in this pre-prequel, I didn’t find any mention of albinos or even secret societies living under the Vatican. And that’s kinda what I expected to learn about, you know?
I mean there’s no pope, but there’s some dude named Peter. And the women are reduced to trivial roles, like the birth of this “messiah” dude. Oh yeah… and like anyone would believe that if this dude was raised from the dead, he’d show himself to a woman first. I mean I have as good an imagination as any… but like who would believe a woman or whatever.
Also, there’s no mention of race. And I am sure back then they didn’t speak English or anything. All in all too far fetched to believe.
After Jesus appears, it’s almost like God comes back much nicer, like he’s been in therapy or something.
Yes, commentators have been discussing this since roughly 300 A.D. My personal theory is that after Maccabees God “saw the light”, if you will . . .
That’s a good one Steve!
Dan,
Nice job.
Funny, I attended a Baptist College (Oklahoma Baptist in Shawnee Oklahoma) and from there graduated as an atheist.
I was forced during my first(freshman)years to atend bibliclal classes on the old and new testaments (King James Version).
I concluded afterward that I could no longer support that particular faith.
I checked out Islam, but it was so ridiculous that I could not but laugh at the adherents.
I checked the Jews, but they were even more silly (than the Christians, not the Islamists. The Islamists deserve their own special brand of ridicule).
Then I checked out the Buddhists. Talk about hilarious. I have never seen so many gods in one life. It is funny to watch men behave as if they have an obligation to a deity who does not even recognize their right to exist.
The point is, even though we as humans have a desire to worship, the deity we should worship does not exist.
I’m convinced the deity we should worship does exist. But finding that deity within the construct of places like a Baptist university will be an elusive task.
I’m Christian. I think Christians are funny. I like my religion because my God has a sense of humor and could care less if I question His apparent emphasis of circumcision over the eradication of evil. The word “smegma” makes him laugh… if only because I enjoy saying it so much. If someone pisses on a Bible, or blows up my church big deal asshole… we’ll get a new one… my God doesn’t live in a church and the Bible isn’t some magic book Today in church I heard the story of an Ethiopian king who thought the Bible was magic. He’d feed sick people a page of the Bible as a sort of medication. Well the king himself got sick and he ate IKings and 2Kings. The paper blocked his intestine and he died. That made me laugh…. inappropriately so if the looks I got from a couple of old ladies were any indication.
Reminds me of when a college aged baysitter was leaving, so they asked her to say a few words…. she says “it has been really cool watching your children grow up and learn to play with themselves”… hey, it was funny. Not like I’m going to hell or anything…. I wish someone else had laughed that loud too though.
Task accomplished. Thank the Laughing Trickster that you are not the other Steve – you know, the one with the two X’s in his name..
Now I have to change my shirt. I just spit my coffee all over it.
Just so you know Abraham almost sacrificed his son ISACC not Jacob you moron
Issac is the one still in therapy… that is how you tell the difference.
You say Isacc, I say Isaac, Ray says Issac.
Geez, mosh, you seem to be humor deficient.
The Bible: the world’s first group blog.
OK, how about your review of the Koran, next? Or is the world of the reviewer constrained by pragmatism?