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I am definitely not drunk enough for annicole right now, but it’s going to drive me batty figuring out what the bimbo said.
Now this is why I could never hope to be as edgy as Jeff. Cracking on a recently bereaved mother, bimbo though she may be, takes more of an instinct for the jugular than I’ll ever have.
Turing = I have to force myself to even read these gags…
YEEAAA!
Many thanks for brightening our holiday season with the drunken slutty ramblings of our favorite tart!
Now if we could just get an Anna-to-English dictionary translation to provide clarity…
Happy Holidays Jeff!
And thanks for the best present I’ll get between now and the morning of the 25th!
She’s a recently bereaved mother?
I had no idea.
Incidentally, if you try some Absinthe and then read this aloud, it is perfectly coherent.
And speaking of Absinthe… Anybody have some they can give me?
No, but my old roommate Noah probably still has the recipe. Distilling the absinthe involved grain alchol, copper tubing, rubber stoppers, and a 5 gallon orange Home Depot bucket (but I think the white ACE ones would work).
SI —
Seriously, she’s a recently bereaved mother? Because if that’s true, I’ll take this post down.
Her son, whose was in his 20’s, died in about two months ago, right before she had her new baby that everyone wants to be the father of.
Lost her son a few months back . Me I just thought this tied into Dan’s “issues” post.
See? I’ve been totally out of the loop.
I’m worried. Her Christmas Card made total sense to me.
Glad you’re back finally , somewhat …I think..
My sense of ethics and fairness, for what its worth, is that since this is a recurring seasonal gag, then it’s OK. If anacol had never made an appearance here before, then I might not question those who question the timing, but thasnaw thakasbish’s.
I had no idea she even had a son.
Man. This chick makes Courtney Love look like Aunt Bea.
Yes Jeff, her son dropped dead right in her maternity ward room. My apologies to you for assuming that you knew this.
OK. I got her translated down til she says Shit. What’s after Shit?
I myself wasn’t above getting some bloggage out of it, when it happened.
Aw, I misshetoo, babayay!
Well, it’s been several months, and she’s back in the news with her new legal dustup, so I guess this post can stay—it’s a long-running seasonal bit, and it has nothing to do with her kids.
I feel for her, though. I just ran upstairs and hugged my little boy.
Hugging is good. But keep him away from the Zoloft/Lexapro/methadone cocktails too, k?
Why Anna, yes, it is Christmas time in the city….and it will be Christmas day.
Do I get a prize for translating, or just a sympathy nod?
J
PS… More Goldstien, please, dankushvherfymush
Merciful father, Anna Nicole speaking in tongues! A combination of Aramaic and Oubykh, I think. An artful way of saying, “Golly!”
Closer inspection of the pic reveals the fact , that if she ever had the inclination , she could really do a lotta cocaine , volume wise , I mean ……… or maybe she just did ? Looks like she favours the right tho .
Exactly how many Christmas carols do you have in there, Goldstein?
I thought this was a fairly easy one. Of course, you haven’t been recently acclimated to anna nicole-ese, so it might take some time to relearn the grammar.
I nominate Jess as the official translator for the Smith impaired .
Distilling the absinthe involved grain alchol, copper tubing, rubber stoppers, and a 5 gallon orange Home Depot bucket (but I think the white ACE ones would work).
Please; you really need the botanicals to make an effective absinthe, and I’m not talking Clairol Herbal Essence, here.
Good thing you can buy said botanicals in a kit. Not intended for human consumption, possibly.
Anybody want to buy a bottle or two and split the shipping costs? I’m dying to try the real thing. To this point it’s been only soft wormwood for me.
Slart,
It definitely involved a wormwood kit he got from some hippie website. I assumed that was a given because wormwood is what’s supposed to produce the little green faeries.
Jeff,
Make sure you don’t get any on your hands before lighting the sugar. Trust me. That kinda alcohol burns hot and for a while.
I’d go halfers , but I got sucked in by that “ nice milky louche “ thing last time. Cool looking bottle tho….ah what the hell I’m in .
Tastes like crap, does nothing for you other than make the fat Goth chick who you totally beer-goggled on pretend to be so stoned she couldn’t possibly take off her sateen bustier. Then you will end up walking back to your dorm at 4am in the freezing cold, completely blue-balled to find that your roomate, who hasn’t been laid in three semesters has hooked up with one of the Campus Crusade for Christ chicks who drives the drunk van. God knows how that happened, then you are stuck in the TV room with all the fucking Freshmen making out and arguing where to go to breakfast.
Swear to God that’ll happen, ‘cause it happened when I tried it.
Bill’s in. Anyone else? I’ll order 3 bottles, because that drives down the price of shipping per bottle. Looking for another player.
On the upside, even if it sucks and doesn’t have the green fairie effect, all you have to do is take a snapshot of yourself trying it and the guys over at Reason Magazine will probably hire you as an associate editor.
Count me in.
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
We seem to be on a roll for non-God-given “personal issues” today.
I just realized, reading annicole is like reading Shakespeare for me. I have to read the first act before I get into the flow of the language. Once I get into the flow, I go back and re-read the first act, which is so clear I don’t get how I couldn’t have understood it originally.
How’s this for a translation:
“Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
It’s Christmas time in the city
Hear them ring, jingling
Soon it will be Christmas day.
There you go.
Now send Anna Nicole some sparkly stuff.
Except, no diamonds this time, ‘kay?
That shit cuts the mirror
and all of Anna Nicole’s coke gets in the f’ing cracks.”
Close?
What’s total cost, including shipping?
If we’re around $50, I’m in.
Pretty dead on. Except her coke gets caught in the fucking cracks.
Okay, so Kelly and Bill are in. If I get three more we can do another box shipment.
Let me know by the end of the day, because at that point I’ll put in the order. Once it arrives here, I’ll mail the bottles off to you (probably right after Xmas).
Email me and I can give you an approximate total, including secondary shipping (which shouldn’t be very much).
Jeff
a fine scotch —
The bottle costs about $39. The shipping is an additional $22. So we’re looking at roughly $61. Close enough? Need two more folks now. Or maybe one more, and I’ll keep two bottles for myself.
Apparently gear is required . We need absinthe glasses , absinthe spoons , brouilles , or just go with the pipes ,which look pretty cool btw .
Anna Nicole had a fake wedding before she buried her son, so I think you are ok with this post.
But you’ve gotta see the photos.
They sell absinthe at our grocery store. I’ve never tried it, though.
Ayyyyy, my eyes!
MayBee, please, for the love of god, post a content warning.
It’s really good to see the ole ‘dillo back, but lets get real – Absinthe? What’s next, debating Burgandy vintages whilst selecting shades of puce window coverings?
No way. Gimmie a pack o’ percocets, ‘ludes, and some really aged tequila (none of that Jimmy Buffet cr*p – that’s for tourists), mix well, and let’s DANCE w/Anna & the ‘dillo. ‘K?
J
(I know – I’m a very infrequent poster, but constant reader. Just glad to have el Jefe back…)
I went out yesterday and stocked my bar for the next couple months. I already had some nice sipping tequila, but I haven’t yet found one that I like as much as the Cuervo special anejo in the brown bottle with the curved spout (can’t remember what it’s called). And the liquor store I visited yesterday—the largest in Colorado—didn’t have it.
Tried some India rum last night. Good stuff. Who knew the the subcontinent was producing rum?
“nice sipping tequila” *cringe*
I prefer that phrase to end with burbon, but OK.
If you’ve the Reserva de la Familia, try the Coazon Anejo for a different taste (will NOT go well w/a blender), or try the Gran Patron Platinum (for that $$$, keep it away from the little fellow, ok??)
As far as Rum, it was made pretty much anywhere the Empire touched & cane could grow.
Try the Murree from Pakistan, or the Shree from Nepal.
J
Newfoundland Screech bye tunderin jeebus , now dats rum .
If you don’t get enough people for the absinthe order, I’ll go with it. I’ve been curious about it for years.
I’m in! Let’s make it a case!
Jeff ,
When you do the order , get two Absinthe Pipe Nouvelles . Keep one , send one . My gift to Casa del Armadillo .
Let’s go for two cases of absinthe…I’m in if there is room.
If it helps at all, I will go for two bottles, and conversely I won’t complain if you need to remove me from consideration if it won’t round to a case. So 0, 1, or 2 will work for me.
Shit, I must off my game.
I through down a stupid pun and no one even picks it up.
kelly ,
Is this like throwing around ass-fucking advice?
I’d go in on the absinthe, but I have to think rationally for a living. A writer of fiction could, I’d think, afford to go off the deep end. Vonnegut and Auster come to mind, here. But an engineer? Or even…a weapons systems engineer?
Best not go there. No. Nonono. You don’t want me pulling the explosives equivalent of a van Gogh, do you?
I design stuff that won’t blow up. I think I’m OK.
It’s easier to decode if you do a quart of vodka and a couple of ‘luudes.
Just sayin’…
Is that by design, or do you just suck at what you do?