You know, if you run out of that fancy snowman wrapping paper, you can always just shove shit in a bag and garnish it with some holiday-colored tissue paper—the upside being that you don’t have to pluck dog hair off the pre-torn strips of scotch tape you’ve got dangling from the edge of your desk like some makeshift fortress of low grade flypaper.
Plus, shoving shit in a bag doesn’t cause global warming, I don’t think. So there’s that.
Or, you could use brown paper and string. When people complain that it isn’t festive, point out the lyrics from ‘My Favorite Things’ and note that you are just that old school.
Practical upside: Brown paper and string are cheap.
Everybody wins!
I hope you’re talking about recycled brown paper. For your sake.
But string? Come now. Don’t you know birds can choke on that stuff?
Strangled partridges. Sure. Nothing is more festive.
How do you think they get the partridge to STAY in the pear tree?
…
Its really that old school.
Just tell the the ‘string’ is hemp and the paper is recycled bath tissue fibers.
Since all good brown paper is 100% unlabeled, they will just have to trust your word.
TW: Tis the Season…
I once wrapped a gift with brown paper and string and pasted cheerios on it.
But I was only six at the time.
My favorite gifts come in brown paper packages.
Some have threatening notes pasted to the outside and startling wet spots on the botttom.
But most just need a few pounds of compressed air, a red bandanna, lipstick, a 1970’s era “cross your heart” bra and a whole lot of airplane glue.
Of course, to really make the holidays special you have to rent the Econoline van, throw a Goodwill couch in the back and go cruising the apartment complexes by the highway exit. But it’s been a couple of years since I’ve been able ot afford that kind of merriment. Christmas is now just a couple of bottles of Thunderbird and re-runs of “Cold Case Files”.
Wrap the gifts in Sunday comics and give the gift of laughter (unless Doonesbury is on front, then you’ve given the gift of BDS.)
It does if you light it on fire, set it on your neighbors front porch, ring the doorbell and run. On the other hand, you are recycling your dog’s waste.
I think you need an assistant.
Oh, cool, home made blivets.
You could always just shit in a ziplock, draw some snowmen on the bag with a magic marker, pour yourself a Martini, and just call it a day…Jus saying…..
The half-dozen magazines I subscribe to all come wrapped in brown paper. I get pretty excited when they arrive, hence I dig the brown paper thing. Jus sayin’…
In the spirit of the season, and because I’m sick and can’t fill a bag with throwable shit, I’m going to regard that offensively insensible ad-slogan euphemism as a deeply ironic allusion to Gerard Manley Hopkinsâ€â€a special secret gift, just for me. Thanks, Jeff.
Happy Religion-Shapèd Month!
LOLOL! Thanks, n_obrain! “Blivets” has been a joke in my family for years. I really did laugh out loud!
I knew I should have checked your blog before going and buying $200 worth of wrapping paper last night. (Yes, really, $200.)
I think I’m trying to compensate for having discovered that the Christmas tree I bought on clearance last year is too tall to fit in our house, unless I move major furniture that won’t really fit into the area where we’d planned to put the Christmas tree.
Pardon the synæsthesia, BoZ. And just so you know, you’ve forced me into writing a protein wisdom conceptual series post.
If I can think of one before the espresso is ready.
That’s fitting. The half dozen or so magazines I recycle get tossed in brown paper.
Couldn’t be….
Alice—trees can always be shortened. It’s getting the 4-foot tree to fill up a room with a 10-foot ceiling that’s a real challenge.
What we’ve done is left the top section off the tree and fashioned a toupee out of garland and a really big bow. I’ve still got to play with the lights to get them to weave in and out of the garland like they do on the rest of the tree. Hopefully that plus the bow will be enough to fool my mother-in-law, who is coming over for the official tree-decorating tonight.