If, for some reason, you’ve been distracted by other chores and find yourself without a candy stash on Halloween, it is best just to turn out your porch light and pretend you aren’t home.
Because handing out to today’s savvy trick or treater individual cheese cubes or that copy of Strunk and White’s Elements of Style you stole from the English Department’s storage closet? Turns out to be not such a great idea.
Either that, or 13-16 year-olds have begun showing their appreciation for a genuine concern over their grammar, usage, and calcium consumption by pelting houses with discount Halogen flood lamps and Silly String.
Stupid pagan holidays.
Jeff–
Don’t downplay this, man. It’s a freaking HOA pogrom. That’s what it is. And I don’t think we should just forget about that.
Time to invest in one of two things; a couple of large bags of Kit Kats or a solid 12 gauge shotgun (with rock salt).
Actually, .22 LR’s with instructions on how to put them in the microwave make great Halloween Party favors.
[Any Kossies lurking here: do not try this at home.]
[Take it to work.]
[Or school.]
Eh, just give the kids your old porn. With your name and address written on each cover.
The parents will find it, and they’ll forbid the kids from hitting your block the next year.
I’ve found that chaining a rabid hedgehog to the front gatepost somehow correlates to my having more candy to myself.
Discu7ss.
I’m handing out my Strunk and Whites and Harvard Blue Books. Also, old copies of The Far Side books my ex wife had laying around.
Denny Crane!
TW: Reached35, and I’m just not in the mood for candy anymore.
I’m just handing out my empty beer bottles, now. They’re worth 5 cents apiece here.
Damn, we had ran out of candy at 185 trick-or- treaters at 7:05. My neighbor had really laid in a big supply and kept giving it out until she hit 300 at 7:50. Our neighborhood was swarmed by kids from all over town and from kids who live out in the country. We’ve always been known as the area to hit because we give out chocolate instead of the cheap stuff, but this was unreal!!
Small town trick or treating has gone insane.
I hand out beer and cigarettes. And sometimes ammo.
There’s too many of the little monsters anyway. They’re crushing Gaia!
There’s a disturbing total absence of kids in my neighborhoodâ€â€I’ve never seen oneâ€â€but I still always follow Grandpa’s brilliant Halloween moocher-avoidance strategy: “Go drink somewhere else.”
(Any errors in this post were brought to you by Glenfiddich. Glenfiddich: old enough to sell pictures of you fucking it.)
Considering the remarkable number of sluttily-dressed teenaged girls who showed up trick or treating this year, I must say I’m looking forward to the next one. Really. Nothing like that happened last year.
Stupid pagan holidays my ass. At work today I got to see my secretary as Little Ho Peep. And another secretary dressed as a hippie chick, giving a dictionary definition of cameltoe.
I wasn’t looking for these things, but damned if I’m not going to enjoy them when they are flaunted in my face. There is a god. But what a fucked sense of humor he has.
By the way, Jeff – it seems that Ol’ Mekong John has joined the Intentionalist side in your never-ending war with the Deconstructionists.
That’s not what I meant to say!
Doesn’t matter pal, that’s what I heard.
Last year: Hardly any trick-or-treaters, resulting in a near diabetic coma for everybody in our household from eating all the leftover candy for two months.
This year: Almost ran out of candy by 9:30. Buncha “fun-size” (how is smaller candy fun?) Mounds and Whoppers left over. Diabetic coma won’t be a problem.
Oh, and confidential to Phone Tech: There’s no such thing as “old porn.” It’s actually “rediscovered classics.”
Commenter to be named later —
You can intend to say one thing, and if everybody and their mother thinks you are saying something else, well, then you’ve simply not done a very good job at signaling your intentions. The meaning of your original utterance hasn’t changed; but people are justifiably suspicious because you’ve done such a lousy job at getting your meaning across.
In Kerry’s case, though, I have reason to doubt his revisionist assessment of his own intentions anyway. But then, that’s what we do when we interpret: we try to suss out the intended message offered us by the utterer.
Jeff–I fucked up ok. It was a mistake. I did not mean it to come out that way. Jesus–Bush, Rove, Cheney–they are liars. Liars and bastards. Can’t you see that? I don’t hate the military, just those bastards in the military that did not vote for Kerry Edwards. They are uneducated not to appreciate what a superior presidential candidate I was.
As for Halloween, with all the bullshit over my comment and the distortions that followed with the Rovian propaganda machine–I forgot to ask my staffers to get candy. I gave out Kerry Edwards 2004 bumperstickers and buttons to the kids. Teresa’s car got TP’d–but she was stupid enough to park it by the door.
God, it’s like a bad dream. I feel sick. Even Howard Dean called me last night and called me a fucking moron. I hate it when they call when I am watching Boston Legal.
Never buy the same amount of candy that you always buy, when you know you’re not going to get home from work until almost 7:30 this year. Is what I learned.
Anybody want a Reese’s cup? Or 20?
Hmm.
I think somebody stole my rabid hedgehog.
What’s that scratching sound from behind the door there? I’ll go and fi—
<fade out>
Best trick-or-treaters EVER last night. And not just because one kid was dressed as Flavor-Fav. Polite. “Thank-you”s. No one walked in my garden. Children complimenting my pumpkins. In DETROIT, no less.
But, as a shout-out to my 313 hommies: those of you who took your kids out w/o handing out candy yourselves TOTALLY SUCK. It’s like Halloween welfare.
If Kerry “intended” to say what he now claims (but said what he actually did) than he is a bigger “f-in” idiot that I previously thought.
But, then I’m willing to admit to my mistakes.
Dude, I am so bringing my son to your place next year. Heavy on the .308s please…
Don’t be surprised to see a 6’-1” white bed sheet ghost repeatedly showing up at your door every 15 minutes – what kind of beer is it anyway? Will there be a bowl of peanuts on the front porch?