Mired in an ugly cosmos, the incumbent Supreme Power of the Universe has recently lost 8% of “His” support in the United States of America, according to a new Harris poll. Harris shows that 42% of American adults are no longer absolutely certain that God exists, up from 34% who expressed doubt 3 years ago.
Among the various religious groups, 76 percent of Protestants, 64 percent of Catholics and 30 percent of Jews said they are “absolutely certain” there is a God while 93 percent of Christians who describe themselves as “Born Again” feel certain God exists.
When questioned on whether God is male or female, 36 percent of respondents said they think God is male, 37 percent said neither male nor female and 10 percent said “both male and female.”
Only one percent think of God as a female, according to the poll.
Asked whether God has a human form, 41 percent said they think of God as “a spirit or power than can take on human form but is not inherently human.”
As to whether God controls events on Earth, 29 percent believe that to be the case while 44 percent said God “observes but does not control what happens on Earth”.
The survey was conducted online between October 4 and 10 among 2,010 US adults.
It is widely rumored in the lower celestial spheres that even some of the Supreme Being’s closest Thrones, Principalities, Powers and Dominions are urging him to pull out of the Cosmos altogether, as the situation deteriorates. The latest poll information also shows that 63% of Americans do not believe that the Universe is headed in the right direction.
Father Carlo Squillaciotti, Emeritus Professor of Theology at the University of Notre Dame, is critical of God’s handling of the global warming issue, and feels that He has done a “poor job of getting his message out.” He feels that President George W Bush is largely to blame.
Support eroded most drastically among the demographic referred to as “soccer moms,” who felt that the Supreme Being ought to try and project a more feminine image.
The secretive Supreme Being did not return our call for comment prior to the publication of this article.
That’s good. Onion good. Scrappleface good.
Hmmmm… I’m hungry now.
Dan, best one yet. However, my pastor says that YOU SHALL BURN IN THE FIRES OF HELL!!!
BTW: I am so sick and freakin’ tired of flash polls. Is there anybody out there who thinks that a poll of a little over 2000 citizens will provide an accurate snapshot of the spiritual leanings of an entire country?
The next thing you know, the Evangelicals are going to be accused of fixing the faith of citizens when it’s voted on and God wins hands down.
YOU MARK MY WORDS!!
Father Carlo Squillaciotti, Emeritus Professor of Theology at the University of Notre Dame
I took his class. He looked like this.
Who are these idiots? There are no throw pillows at the ends of the universe.
The Magellanic clouds don’t even match the valance.
Squillaciotti
That’s those curly noodles you put in pasta salad, right?
…even some of the Supreme Being’s closest Thrones, Principalities, Powers and Dominions are urging him to pull out of the Cosmos altogether, as the situation deteriorates.
Those archangels are so wishy-washy. They don’t have any ideas of their own, it’s all polls, polls, polls.
Notice that they immediately called for a pullout, rather than a change in tactics. For example, the Almighty has been a kind of hands-off guy for the last 6000 years or so. I mean, you read of the days when His Words appeared in burning clouds above the Earth, but now He lets lesser creatures speak for Him, and frankly, some of them are kind of odd. Pat Robertson, for instance. And Fred Phelps (someone really needs to exercise a bit of quality control there).
So (if I may be so bold as to offer suggestions), perhaps He should be more visible, you know, appearing as a pillar of flame or something. Maybe at the Superbowl.
And get Heaven’s cadre involved, too. More wings on the ground, that’s what’s needed.
Via spokesman Brother Choleric, abbot of the Muscadine Order based in the ancient Greek settlement of Parkyakarkus, near the modern city of Boogerglob, Romania, The Supreme Being repeated his support for remaining involved in the affairs of humanity. “If I cut and run,” he said, “They might follow Me back here.”
But won’t all the lefties complain that he’s politicizing the event, Angie?
Points taken, but the mere existence of duvet covers would seem to argue in the affirmative.
What you really need to start worrrying about is I am losing faith in all of you. You better get right or else! I am sick of this shit. Do not make me pull over!
Are we there, yet?
TW: already98
Hmmmm.
Check out my new Jim Webb ad. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VBx2AOa6vY&eurl=
A sample of 2000 people is enough to be relatively sure about the entire population of the U.S., assuming the questions were phrased with minimal bias, a random sample, etc.
However, how useful is a poll at all? I only belive in God if I’m in the majority? If I’m in the minority? Why do I care what the poll results are?
The margin of error in this poll is 100%.
Pilate took a poll to crucify his Son . . . polls are worthless.
This is the best sign ever that traditional polling no longer is able to accurately gage the population. Can anyone possibly believe that hard felt beliefs can change that drastically in a 3 year timeframe??
This poll is GREAT news for Republicans
Not in this tread they won’t. For they are become as stone, unlaughing and therefore unhumored. I have said it and it … shall be so.
– Pollsters in general, and a certain number of idiotarians on the Left, had better hope G_d has a good sense of humor.
– In a recent heavenly poll, G_d said he hasn’t decided whether He cares what man thinks. He’ll probably let us all know His feelings, all in good time, one at a time. His polls are usually 100% accurate.
This is the best sign ever that traditional polling no longer is able to accurately gage the population.
Whenever you see poll results, remember that they are sampling people who don’t have anything better to do than sit around and yak to nosy strangers on the telephone. I always hang up on them.
I usually just ask them what they’re wearing.
I have a confession to make. I responded to a poll about the Virginia Senate race some months ago. I was drunk and I just wanted to mess with the pollster, so I told ‘em that I thought the Dems needed to do something bold, like nominate a guy who writes about men doing naughty things to little boys.
Never in a million years did I think anybody would take me seriously!
Personal responsibility is a terrible thing, McG. I feel your pain. I told a pollster that John Kerry would make an excellent campainer for Dems in the final weeks….
Um..<hee hee>…I take personal responsibility for John Kerry’s remarks…<chortle>
Even funnier is, ‘Principalities and Powers’ is a term used by Paul to signify the servants of the devil.
Hmmmmmmmmmm.
A little known fact of history.
Pilate invited “Pilates”. They are based on all the various bodily contortions he took as he kept trying to get out of making a decision about whether to crucify Jesus.
A little known fact of history.
Pilate invited “Pilatesâ€Â. They are based on all the various bodily contortions he took as he kept trying to get out of making a decision about whether to crucify Jesus. <blockquote>
That should be “invented” vice “invited”.
Stupid Dexlecia…Ruining a perfectly good joke.
You’re trying to cheer me up, aren’t you? Forget it, it’s not going to work.
WTF? Why on earth would someone self-describe as, say, a Catholic, if he doesn’t believe in God? That doesn’t make any sense at all.
Fair warning, TSI, I’m a stealin’ this ‘un and usin’ it elseware. (lol)
Catch me if you can!
The question wasn’t “Do you believe in God.” It was “Are you absolutely certain that God exists.” Having faith and having absolute certainty are not the same thing, although 93% of born again Christians would probably disagree with that.
Skepticism and faith are the twin attacks launched by Kant on the Enlightenment in a slowly developing pincer movement. From the left, we have the divorce of the senses from ultimate reality resulting in the rise of subjectivism and chronic doubt about any conclusion reached regarding the phenomenal world. Attacking from the right, we have claims to privileged knowledge about the world beyond the senses, resulting in a retreat from science into all forms of mysticism. The result is a society that both doubts all knowledge while professing faith in the knowledge of something for which there can be no evidence.
“I have therefore found it necessary to deny knowledge in order to make room for faith.”—Immanuel Kant.
He knew what he was doing.
He knew what he was doing.
Bah. Immanuel Kant was an pissant who was very rarely stable.
Immanuel Kant was an pissant who was very rarely stable.
OLD pissant, dammit.
See what happens when you don’t study? You foul up perfectly good jokes and people think you’re an idiot and call for your resignation. I pre-emptively blame right-wing nut jobs for my gaffe.
Very nicely done, Mr Collins. Pip pip, and what-ho.
Bane,
Thanks very kindly. We’re practically neighbors, Bane. I’m from a little town in Wisconsin, not too far from Milwaukee, called Mukwonago. I’ll drop in to your place from hereon in.
Heck, Dude, I live in Oregon. But I’d buy a beer for you.
Don’t MAKE Me come down there!
-God