Every blogger has certain people whom they rely on to give them good advice and links. Usually, they’re not the ones who are commenting all the time. They’re the lurkers, the ones who actually watch and listen. PattyAnn, in my case, who’s suggested this bleg.
I was bemoaning the fact that I signed on to a United Way fundraiser tomorrow at work to her. I work at a large gift company, and every year we have a “fashion violation pageant,” where we show off the latest in our pajama line. It’s a chance to cross-dress in a good cause, and when it looked as though it might be cancelled for lack of interest this year, I signed on. Everyone had several things they had to do. Choose an outfit (I have an extraordinarily hideous ensemble, even for a guy), a piece of music, in my case “Her Strut” by Bob Seger, a persona (everyone was doing Paris Hilton, so I chose Tyra Banks), and a talent (does Tyra Banks have one?). Well, I signed on, and then found out that I’d confused Tyra Banks with Naomi Campbell. I had thought to have gotten into a catfight with one or more of the Parises, but I’ve had to alter my plans.
See, the thing is, I don’t get TV, and I don’t really know who Tyra Banks is. I looked her up at YouTube and saw her getting her tits certified by some plastic surgeon, and asked my flaming gay manager/impresario whether he’d do that, but he seems to think he’s less overt than he is. So, I’m wondering, what the f*ck do I do? What’s my talent? Please help.
Maybe you could do something with this:
Tyra Banks has an extreme phobia for dolphins, a phobia she faced in her daytime talk show The Tyra Banks Show.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tyra_banks
– Ok….this is just rank. when challenged you preened, and swore on Patty’s saintly grave that you can dance. We believed you. Now you come to us asking “What’s my talent”.
– I picture you in a tight leotard body wrap, a sistah blond wig, shaking your booty to “shes a man killer”. Simple. (Video of this event is vial, and obligatory.)
TW: comes69 ….Ewwwwwwwwww….I don’t even want to know what you’re trying to say with that turing twit….
Ewwww, is right, BBh. But does Tyra know how to dance? If she does, how does she dance?
– they same way you will in 7 inch stelletto’s…”wobbley”
Dan, her nickname is “BBQ”. Does that help?
Maybe BBQed dolphins?
Bbh “wobbley” Heh.
I saw this movie once where a beauty contestant, for the talent competition, packed a suitcase. It was her only talent. Maybe you could do that.
Or could you twirl a baton? A flaming baton? Maybe you could twirl a flaming gay manager/impresario? If you had two, you could juggle them.
Or—I know! You could recite poetry! Can you learn “The Ballad of Eskimo Nell” in time?
Um. Yeah, I know lots of poems. The folks at work might think that lighting Eric on fire and twirling him was homophobic. Do I have to learn “The Ballad of Eskimo Nell”? Is that appropriate for Tyra? Do you think she’s got any Keats by heart? Because I know lots of Keats.
She’s the “Biggest Boobs in the Biz,” y’know. Definitely work that in somehow.
That won’t be hard, given my co-workers!
Hah! I’m sure this joke will go over better than Kerry’s!
– I don’t know….Maybe just strap on some huge fake jugs and wash a car or something. Be sure to bend over a lot. Also you might be able to work up a sing-song poem about “Keats on Teats” Dr. Suesse style….
– something along the Lines of:
So Mr.Fox, What’s that you say…
If you’re bored I know some games we can play…
What do you know about “Tweedle beetles”…
Oh Mr Knox, the things that you say…
I can’t repeat them, no no, no way…
My mouths not made of rubber, my jaws not on springs…
Come now Mr Fox, its really ok…
“Tweedle beetles” is not difficult to say…
Just purse your lips and blow out this way…
Uh uh, Mr Knox, do you think I’m a dope…
Remember that trick you pulled….
With the soap on a rope….
etc, ect…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txPQ8MZBAww&mode=related&search=
Whatever you decide it must be fierce. Because Tyra is nothing if not fierce.
The first thing you do is get on your knees…
The folks at work might think that lighting Eric on fire…
You said he was already flaming.
By the way, I hope “Dan Collins” is not your real name.
Just as a matter of curiosity, what talent was Naomi Campbell going to have?
Attach a barn door to your face and go as “the biggest forehead in the business”.
Bigger than Begala? That’s a tall order.
Different business; Begala’s is the oldest.
How about swallowing a bananna whole. At the very least you’ll get on your managers good side.
belching the alphabet?
Angie,
My talent would have been kicking Paris Hilton’s butt. Duh!
“The first thing you do is get on your knees…”
Beat me to it, Pablo.
I was going to say, “Learn how to unhinge your jaw.”
Golf ball + Garden Hose = A gay-run-teed win!
Problem is, nobody watches her, so even if you are able to reasonably imitate her, nobody will “get” it.
Tyra tries to act like Oprah. She recently did a “big giveaway” that got the audience all riled up (“you’re getting something … my biggest beauty secret!” (at last, revealed to all the world)). The audience was squealing with delight. What was revealed? VASELIIIIIINE! You’re all getting VASELINE! … and she proceeded to freak out on stage screaming Vaseline! Vaseline!
Horrible. I only know about it because they were making fun of it on the Opie and Anthony radio show the other day. I think there’s video of it on YouTube. (searching….) Ah, here you go:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdHpYMR4ljY
Enjoy! VASELIIIIINE!