One wintry day, a Democratic Senator from New York was walking along Pennsylvania Avenue when she spied a snake stiff with the cold. Having great compassion–unlike those hard-hearted conservative bastards who are always walking past stiff, frozen snakes lying in the snow–she picked it up and placed it against her bosom. Her bosom was not particularly ample, but it was covered by a cashmere sweater and a faux-fur coat so that she wouldn’t lose the PETA vote. Surrounded by such radiant warmth, the snake revived and, resuming its natural instincts, turned on its benefactor, sinking its fangs deeply into one of the senator’s 34Bs. “Argh” cried the Senator with her last breath. “I am rightly served for pitying a scoundrel.”

Moral: The greatest kindness will not bind the ungrateful.