Through my secret channels, I’ve received an email from Karl Rove Dark Lord, asking whether I couldn’t perhaps arrange for some attractive blonde American travelling in some exotic location to disappear under mysterious circumstances, to distract attention from the Foley thing. I told him that I’m busy this weekend, but I’d put out the word. Remember, the word is “mum.” We don’t want the timing questioners getting wise to us again, this time, when a certain interesting thing happens to distract the American public from this terrible scandal.
Give the Dark Lord my regards.
Tell his magnificence that ‘The Rolling Rabbit Garners no Moss.’
Also, ‘Playing spin the bottle with Janet Jackson’. If he gets my point.
If he has lost his Freemason decoder ring, I can have a new one delivered through a special javascript program. He should know by now that we’ve reconfigured all computers to have only USB ports, as they are best for delivering the goods. He need only place an ordinary ring in one of the ports and go to the url I will be sending.
Is this a secure line? Regardless, I must confide in you, that the real data will be transferred through SFTP that is, Secure Freemason Transfer Protocol. Diffie and Hellman send their regards to his Malificence from the Von Newmann base.
Any who read this message who do not have decoder rings will merely see the ramblings of an uptight, paranoid web developer.
Free(mason) the information!
His Magnificence winks the secret wink, and gestures with the trowel.
You guys are laughing, but you remember how Foucault’s Pendulum ends, don’t you?
HOLY CRAP!! Are saying that Rove….Dark Lord…Freemasons…Trowel…USB PORTS????…TIMING?????????
AAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
(who’s that knockin’ at my door…)
Aw, come on, just show me the secret wink!
Yes, your worship. how about Arianna Huffington? she will be traveling…eh?…Oh, my most abject apologies mi’lord Red Mage, you did say attractive, didn’t you? Now if you had added talentless-hack-actress-who-should-sacrifice-meerkats-to-Lucifer-for-having-a-career, then I would have suggested Cameron Diaz.
It will be done, oh Doyen of Domestic Dastardly Deeds!
Alliteration: It’s what’s for dinner.
And here all along I thought it was a secret shake.
What’s so secret about chocolate-chip mocha?
[…]
Oops.
Geezer, You know what the real secret shake is (hint: Colt 45 for color…)
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM…..chocolate-chip mocha…..
Ah… so it’s a shake and a wink all in one.
Um, I really can’t say, or I’d have to terminate you.
Must protect Geezer’s trademark and all.
Ah, what would I give for for a sweet lady’s kiss and a hefty Frothing Insinuationsâ„¢ in a Masonic jar (best if cobalt blue); yes, especially with a scoop of chocolate chip mocha.
Bottled in bondage, Frothing Insinuationsâ„¢, as originally inspired by Andrew Sullivan, is available at less reputable outlets everywhere.
OOOOO! Tell ‘em about the coupon program and cotton mouth guarantee!
hey Hey! HEY! Don’t you be giving away my vacuous, unintelligible phrase to Andrew. He’s got plenty of his own, being a per-feshunal and all.
Don’t make me take that trademark away!
(“in a Masonic jar(best if cobalt blue) LOL!)
Well, I thought we were going to wait until the director’s cut edition of Battlefield Earth on DVD, but OK:
If you act before midnight, Frothing Insinuationsâ„¢ Enterprises will mail a $3-off coupon on the fabulous director’s cut edition of Battlefield Earth.
And, as a special bonus for those who live in the southern U.S., Frothing Insinuationsâ„¢ Enterprises will double your money back if Frothing Insinuationsâ„¢ does not attract and render completely tame any size Cottonmouth rattler snake!
Amaze your friends with your Frothing Insinuationsâ„¢ skills!
BUT. ACT. BEFORE. MIDNIGHT.!!!!!
But, but, BUT, did I not say it was only inspired by Andrew?
Holy Hannah, we agreed on the Directors Cut of Battlefield: Earth?
Man, that’s like upgrading to the extended cab pickup to dump more horseshit on your neighbor’s deck.
Someday, this Marketing degree will pay off…
Yeah, yeah, don’t you recall that we flatly rejected a re-colorized version of Space Mutiny? The medical consultant said that would cause phychosis, remember?
I don’t give a gopher’s patootie about that. I AM NOT INSPIRED BY ANDEW SULLUVAN. I AM MY OWN MAN, COMFORTABLE IN MY MIXED AND AND CRAZY/DENSE METAPHOR’S!!!! I AM NOT AN ANDREWIMAL!!!!!
my head hurts…
We really, really, really, need to stop sampling the product during our promotional meetings.
PS: have the skull and crossbones warning labels come in yet…
Son, I’m gonna need to see yer driver’s license.
You ain’t been drinkin have ya?
Yes, but they are in pink as an honorarium to the product’s inspiration.
Officer, I am one of the founders of Frothing Insinuationsâ„¢ Enterprises. There is no time I have not been drinking, and for a variety of reasons.
– Isn’t Feckless Outrageâ„¢ LLC a subsidiary of Frothing Insinuationsâ„¢ Enterprises, because you know, they always seem to be together at any druid gathering.
TW: quite27 – What I was not when I was 26.
Well, alright then. I’m jest gonna give ya a warnin this time. Let’s be more careful in the future about mixin up our poisonous snakes. Folks round here are pretty particular about miscegenation. I might have to run you in for excitin a riot.
Hey Geezer? The corporate board is on line 2. It seems that somebody tried to slip some Sambuca and Rasberry Scnapps into their third blender full. Now they’re blasting “Cheeseburger in Paradise” on the PA and are on their third circuit with the conga line. Please see previous suggestion concerning sample tasting.
Also, get that cop’s badge number. There’s something suspicious about a peace officer who uses “miscegenation” and “pretty particular” in the same sentence. Keep him confused so he won’t get wise to the “genetic experiments.”
I smell industrial espionage. PROTECT THE FORMULA!!
There once was a mighty corporate entity, secured by a shared vision, virgin sacrifices and sloppy public displays of inebriation.
Sadly, there was a terrible rending of the alliance due to a little misunderstanding involving a ewe, motor oil and an empty container of Quaker Oats.
We never speak of it…
That may explain the recurrent religious Elk Club salad dressing buffet dreams I’ve been having. The therapist told me that symbols often buffer frightening, suppressed memories, and, OH MY GOODNESS NOW I CAN SEE CLEARLY THE SMUDGEPOTS AND THE MOONLIT GROVE AND THE EWE…
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
What part of “we never speak of it..” did you not understand? Geez, I can’t see a tiki torch at a backyard barbeque without breaking out in a cold sweat…
Masonic Jars? Ah, all of my dishes/cups are cobalt blue.
A co-incidence?
Muaahahhaahhaha….
By the way, while we have official removed ‘free’ from ‘mason’ as to disassociate ourselves, we must be mindful that they are ACTUALLY freeMasonic Jars. But remember, even if someone writes ‘freeMasonic jars’ you are to only say ‘Masonic Jars’.
We did the same thing with the Fnord Motor Company… rather, I mean, The Motor Company, in days past, to great success.
If you’ll excuse me, I’m getting a message from Shadow Duke Linus Torvalds…
He reports that the the infiltration of the 20-something computer-nerd liberals is complete! Tommorow there shall be great celebrations!
If you must know, Open Source software, like its companian, Closed Source Software, are a tool of our dark lords. In reality, it never cost anyone anything to flip the bits on your hard drive. However, this is something that must never be known.
Do I make myself clear?
You should have seen the last cookout; Linus and Bill were considering a new sofware paradigm: Ajar Source Software. But neither could agree if we were going to put those little hotel security chains on the doors or not.
Maybe next year!
The trowel you say?
let him know ‘The radishes are well cooked enough for the Fair on Thursday’.
/I’m enjoying myself perhaps too much.
Why do I have this awful feeling that many of us are going to be found slumped over our computer keyboards with the faint smell of almonds on our breaths?
Masons…Masons? Jackie Masons, yea that’s whay I was talking about!
Jackie Masons moment:
Why does the French navy have glass bottomed boats?
Answer: So that they can find the French Airforce!
:::breathlessly:::
freeMason Ajar software?
BJ, the Trilateral Commission called and asked for your workplace address. And I don’t think they were talking about TCP/IP, ya know?
TW: over31. Yes, I am. Way over.
Geezer, tell them that I work in…Oman…yeah…Oman in the…desert…yeah, that’s the ticket.
(write me at the survival shelter address…)
Oktober Intel Review – (Internal brotherhood memo #1324 – For limited distribution under Q3 heading’s)
1) This months deep cover reminder: “Never trust a Muslim carrying a banjo”.
2) Get your reservations in early for this years Annual Goat Dance and barbecue. If you’re unable to purchase tickets ahead, some will be available from the white haired Albino midget at the door. Well drinks and strawberry daquiri’s will be available at this years showing of “The Caine Mutiny”. 3-D glass’s will also be distributed, but you’ll need to supply your own ball’s.
This years password: “The Garn sings softly in my tomato’s”.
3) The Fem arm of the lodge, FreeMassages, will put on a variation of their blue-ribbon play, “My fevored vagina”. Seating is limited, so call in your reservations early. Tickets are available at Tickey-tron, and F Street sex toys. As usual there’s additional parking in the rear.
4) Dennis Miller is this years keynote speaker. He will be doing a free-flowing disertation entitled: “Gay bashing in Congress; Are the Democrats finally onto something?”
5) In support of brother BJTexas, remember he lives in Oman.
– Lastly allow me to take this opportunity to thank all the bretheren, nationwide, for another good year. Our most excellant Dark Lord leader sends his personal thanks, and regards, and the following message: “The corpulant porkers playfully gambol in the roiling foam”. All field managers should recognize our leaders call to action, and begin operation “platic shopping cart”. Plan details, as in the past, will be revealed over the coming weeks imbedded in Geico commercials. Remember, the lizard is one of us.
– Willard K. Krendlehag – Grand Secretary – KPP/36th rank – National Order of the “Colbalt Blue Masonjars”.
EWWWWWWWWWE.
Are you sure, Brother Big Bang Hunter, that the message said roiling? According to my codebook, that means that we’re supposed to remove all canned beets from grocery stores within one hundred twenty kilometers of our private dwellings. The km part really got me confused, although I have to admit that I cannot understand the wisdom of depriving America of canned beets, either.
Rolling foam, on the other hand, means that we must buy all Rolling Rock beer we can find, and rebottle all bottles with Frothing Insinuationsâ„¢.
Is my codebook out of date?
**sigh** Words to live by,
Especially if his thumb pick doubles as a dead man switch. and, no, just because he calls his music “Jihadilaya” RUN, RUN I SAY! Or, if you live in a red state, cap his ass.
Dan, link no work!
BBh, great work! Remember that the Geezer and I pledge the special 36th level Frothing Insinuationâ„¢ anniversary brew with the secret ingrediant obtained from the seventh house of the seventh mage in the seventh plane…
Brother Geezer, check the addendum. Runing Foam jumpstarts the beet can crusade. (The reasons for which, if you would take the time to read the “star tracks” is that the Red Mage hates them) Roiling refers to the “Oktoberfest Crusade” during which our minions, er, brethren seek out and dress all identifiable leftist progs in lederhosen, causing the Oom-Pah bands in reserve to keep them occupied and inebriated (hence the secret ingredient) right through the first Tuesday of you-know-when.
Please pay attention, It’s all really quite simple.
BJ, a couple of things. Was runing a typo, or is that the gerundive form of rune? I’ve got to be sure to keep the contexts clear. You know, one wrong move and all that…
Uh, BJ, about the anniversary brew, when I reviewed the brewing vat bunker design with the general contractor, she said she didn’t think she could get that much concrete, lead, and HCl delivered to the [redacted] plant before next March, and then only if we agreed to the use of pumps at extra cost and start delivery next Tuesday.
We could go with concrete block, epoxy, Reynolds Wrap, and Windex again, but I’m not taking the heat alone from Wright-Patterson AFB if things go critical like the last time.
– Brother Geezer – Greetings and “Gayly met”. Reviewing the 2006 codebook, I believe you’ll find, according to the 23rd appendix, paragraph VIIIXIMCL, the appearence of the two words “Gambol”, and “Roiling” in the same message, means we should buy up all the Rolling Rock beer we can find, and recan with Prune juice. Prune Juice, not Rune Jews. I know at times it gets a bit confusing, but remember general order number 6. We can’t let our plans fall into the hands of the great unwashed enemies of the Order.
– Its of course impossible to devine the goals of our great Dark Lord leader, but I’m guessing he’s out to prove, once and for all, that the apostate Liberal’s are really full of shit. A nice touch, (the man has the mind of a true anti-Deluvian warrior), is the reference “Corpulant porkers”, which commands us to lock all the Congressional bathroom doors right after the Oktober beer fest on the hill. Will be a sight to see, with all those Dem Congressmen peeing their shorts, except for Pelosi. She wouldn’t notice anything strange.
– A few other updates to memo #1324:
– The FreeMassages have petitioned the National body to change their Order name to “Code Colbalt”. Its in committee for review.
– In the interest’s of cultural diversity, the Albino greeter will be joined by a giantess hooker, with tye-dyed hair, wearing a Burka, and Old Navy see-through Podjirs.
– The Grand secretary also asked me to remind all the brethren that his new book, “Paris Hilton on $20 a day and cab fair”, will be out in early November. Everyone is sure it will be a top seller.
– Hope this clears things up, and “Gay parting”.
– Cautiously yours, Brother Big Bang hunter – Senior Warden – KKP/35th Rank – National Order of the “Colbalt Blue Masonjarsâ€Â.
TW: under73. Age requirement for aspiring Muslim virgins.
I hear, and I obey.
Just so you Conservatives know, You can’t actually crawl thru the tubes into our internets.