A.S. is the Quagmire Guy. Every week he answers your questions.
Q: Dear Quagmire Guy,
My fiance and I are planning our honeymoon. He wants to go to Hawaii, and I’d like to go on a Caribbean cruise. How can we work out this impasse?
Beth R., Forest Hills, IL
A: Beth,
You and your fiance will never agree on anything. You ought to call off the wedding, as hard as that may seem. Even if you’re not particularly attractive, there are probably a lot of guys who’d consent to go on a Caribbean cruise with you.
Q: Dear Quagmire Guy,
The heating core in my 2004 Subaru Outback has burned out, and my mechanic says it will take $800 to fix it. The car only has 45k miles on it. What should I do?
Errol, Anchorage, AK
A: Dear Errol,
The car is obviously defective, and as it ages, chances are that you will encounter other problems. Ditch it, and find yourself something reliable.
Q: Dear Quagmire Guy,
I went directly from work to my daughter’s soccer game, and went to retrieve a ball that had rolled down into a marshy area off to the side of the pitch. One of my Allen Edmonds got wet, and when it dried it was slightly darker than the other. Do you have any idea how I can remedy this situation?
Bob, Boscobel, WI
A: Bob, you’re probably beating yourself up for having been so stupid, so I won’t go into that. Pitch them: they’ll never be the same.
Q: Dear Quagmire Guy,
Now that the days are getting shorter, I’m finding it more difficult in the morning to roust myself out of bed. I know that we’ll “fall back” soon, but I wondered if you had any advice on how to make the seasonal transition easier to cope with.
Eleanor, Portland, ME
A: Face it, Eleanor: your job sucks, and that’s why you have trouble getting up. You think I like wiping my ass after I crap? No, but I do it anyway. I think that you should quit your crappy job and sleep in. Face it. It’s a quagmire.
[TQG is an open-source schtick; please steal it]
Brilliant, Dan.
Haha. Cut and run as a philosophy for life. Good times.
Long-time fringe-lefty Norman Solomon actually gets one (possibly) two things right in his latest antiwar screed. Which is one more thing than he usually gets right.
If you had put that up as “Ask a Quagmire Guy” it could have been an Onion column…
Dear Quagmire Guy:
My president started a war without a plan to finish it. His defense secretary threatened to fire anybody who raised the issue. Now it’s three years later and everything’s worse than ever.
What should my country do?
Signed,
Root from Beetville
Dear Root,
Amerikkka is finished. Move to Canada.
Solomon:
And that’s wrong, because when you go to war with another country you should only be doing it for the sake of others, not for your own selfish desire to live.
TW: We labor under the delusion that our lives are important. /sarcasm
Dear Quagmire Guy:
I’m having trouble understanding this schtick. I think it’s supposed to be a satire and maybe even funny, but I think all advice you’ve given so far has been both considered and right on target.
How do I reconcile this?
N. Pelosi
Dear Congresswoman Pelosi,
If you really cared at all about this country, you’d commit suicide in protest of the failed policies that have turned our universe into a quagmire. That ought to reconcile things pretty well, don’t you think?
I don’t.
Well, OK, I care about those parts that can keep re-electing me to the best job I’ve ever had… oh, wait, the only job I’ve ever had.
Is this a great country or what?
PS that suicide thing was a bit harsh; I was thinking more like go home and spend Paul’s money
Is root synomous with dead horse in some obscure language I am unaware of?
Admit it, you’re really Amy the Advice Goddess in drag. You can’t fool me.
We’re still buying the SUV.
Deer Quagmeyer Guy,
Evre sense I rote dialog four Withheld, I kant spel.
Waht shud eye dew?
Just asking a simple question, Moe!
What should I do when my president starts a war that he can’t finish?
What … do …. I …….. do?
Ardsgaine,
Obvs, the part you quoted is not the part I think he got right. The part I think he got right is pointing out that “quagmire” is a tiresome and not particularly useful way of looking at it. Had he put on his usual hat of media critic, he might have also noted that the way the MSM immediately leaps to that metaphor (how many days was it in Afghanistan?) is perhaps a reflection not only of Vietnam-fixation, but also the way the MSM asserts that a war is “wrong” without losing that veneer of objectivity (or so they think).
For the historically challenged:
Saddam started a war by invading his neighbors. He then violated the terms of the cease-fire repeatedly. The US presence required to attempt to police the cease-fire became one of bin Laden’s major grievances against the Infidel, helping lead to 9/11. It’s a war that at least two Presidents so far have been unable to finish before the current POTUS.
What should the historically challenged do? Studying history would be a good place to start. Growing up would be another suggestion.
Dear Mr. Root,
Since my previous advice didn’t seem to be of much use for you, the quagmire must be deeper than I thought.
Think of your life as the rivers of Vietnam, and your soul as John Kerry. Feel the quagmire, be the quagmire…
Mostly, I’d just advise shooting yourself in the ass to get a free trip home.
Once there, you need to declare your brothers in arms murderers, and then eventually unsuccessfully run for president.
Why? Because of the Republicans. That’s why.
What was this about, again?
The war against Iraq was finished long ago, we destroyed Saddam, his army, and his government. What we are doing now is helping a new government form and get strong enough to take control of their country. The question is do you think it is too much trouble to protect them from the thugs that want to establish another dictatorship while they gain this strength?
Dear McGehee,
Didn’t your mother ever tell you that if you pulled that face often enough, it would get stuck that way? Look at Che Che’s daughter. The only solution is a total reboot. I suggest you look into electroshock.
Is Windows tech support your day job?
Hahahaha! No, you goof. It’s a hobby.
Still, I think that the Withelvirus might have corrupted your file allocation table.
Does this file system make me look FAT32?