—You know, funny story. The little Texarkana escargot was all set to line dance this afternoon in exchange for a double-cheese and pineapple pizza and a 24oz can of Tecate, but when we went to pick it up, it turns out I’d forgotten my wallet—and the pimply goth punk with the torn hairnet working the register wouldn’t take my IOU.
Which is unfortunate, I realize, but the fact remains that the little bastard refuses to dance for leftover pad thai noodles and sugar-free pink lemonade. And I can’t say that I blame him, either—though on the plus side, he has agreed to massage me feet with buttermilk lotion if I spike his Crystal Light with the rest of the Seagram’s 7 one of my less cultured party guests left behind a year or so ago, and which has just been sitting on top of the refrigerator gathering dust anyway. And I am totally cool with that.
So, you know—at least my night is looking good.
Uh-huh.
SB: fine
Double cheese and pineapple? No ham? The fuck?
Are you trying to tell me some goth punk kept me from see`in that `dillo dance? …. point the little bastard out,if he`s not sporting the Catfish gear, forget the atomic elbow drop,I`ll freak`in nuke him.
-Frank Zappa
Just our luck, Goth-boy was all put out because after all this time the ‘dillo has never danced. Otherwise, of course he would have taken Jeff’s IOU.
I hope destiny is enjoying all this, because I’m gonna be walking funny.
Jeff, I feel I should warn you that I’m starting to have doubts about the whole armadillo thing. I’m in danger of losing my faith.
Jeff, I may be totally wrong but I’m a..
So the panzer rat gives you a foot massage and we get…bupkus. Typical.
Don’t forget, the ‘dillo gets a buzz on also…
32oz can of Tecate
There is no such thang as a Tecate tall boy.
it turns out I was just a smidge overdrawn on my bank card
Are you actually begging again? I thought you might at least wait until closer to the first of the month this time.
TW: This story it’s as good as I had hoped. Better luck next time, I guess.
“Begging,” fivor?
Do you have any idea what the fuck you’re talking about?
It just so happens all my millions are in a savings account now.
You know nothing about Jews, do you?
Prick.
Jeff, two words: interest checking.
Jeff,
It just so happens that I have a little venture going in south Florida – no, scratch that, the Cayman Islands, a little venture that’s bound to return 2-for-1 in the space of a month, but the thing is, the thing is, you see, the thing is that it takes half a million in US George Washingtons minimum per victim, er, investor to start. Being the savvy investory that you are, you will of course want to exceed the minimum, but not more that 50% of your total assets. I can send you the bank numbers privately for your convenience in depositing. The product is, er, tea, yeah, that’s right. You know how much the Camanianians like their tea.
T&T
Well, of course the Camanianians love their tea. They’re Brits, right?
– Must be a cultural thing. All that snorting tea up their noses.
Well, I scored a couple of bags of fresh darjleeng this afternoon.
I may cut them with some pekoe.
Dear Mr. Jeff,
I am Sean Mobuto, writing you with good news about a most excellent financial opportunity from Nigeria….
Don’t you believe it. Sean Mobuto is an enterprising Nairobi baker whose fortune lies in the selling of yellow cakes.
Those are slanderous comments, JWebb. I happen to know that Sean Mobuto is a fine fellow who is offering Jeff a great opportunity to move substantial sums of cash out of Nigeria if only Jeff will invest a few thousand dollars to cover bank transfer fees.
Furthermore, I’d like to commend frequent commenter Sean M. I hear he’s a very handsome man, and he runs a wonderful blog which has set the internet on fire after nine or so months, spawned a New York Times bestseller, and has been read by prominent Senators. Kudos to you, Sean M.
Thanks for the kind–and, might I mention, wholly unsolicited–words, Mean S. You are a gentleman and a scholar.
To recap: Jeff, you should totally take up Sean Mobuto on his investment offer. It’s the deal of the century!
Thanks, Mean S. and Sean M. You guys are the best. Have fun down in Rio!
And I’d like to reassure Mr. Jeff that I am not some “Nairobi baker.” In fact, I am the eldest son of the late Robert Mobuto, who was the head minister of the Nigerian Central Bank. He would really want you to have a share of the money if he were still alive, Mr. Jeff. But this is a limited time offer, so you must act now!
you can only solicit so much money
At least the goth punk actually has a job. Just making an observation here.
TW: Show me the money! Oh, you can’t. Ouch, sorry, man.
Wow. So the Sadly, No! trolls are now burrowing their crapulous little snouts into the armadillo threads, I see.
Well, that simply will not stand.
Stick to the political stuff, please, gentleman. Because all you’re showing here is your loneliness and a desperate need for attention.
It’s unsavory.
And he’s getting a raise, thanks to your ilk, dog ate my house – made with Kenmore (box)
Turns out that he just couldn’t live on $5 and change an hour, what with the rising cost of scrotum pins, so instead of using his wits, he’s getting a break from the gov’t and can still pursue his passion for selling 5th Avenue’s and Bubs Daddy.
What are you going to do with your raise?
But the important question is:
Is it dishwasher safe?
Is that Texarkana, Texas, or Texarkana, Arkansas?
So, Jeff, what did you intend by changing your post?
Just asking.
Happy shopping!
Why, by changing the post I intended to prevent people like you, who are here, really, just to crap in my sandbox, from spinning one of my weekly armadillo posts into a suggestion that I was asking for money.
Because I wasn’t.
And with the rewrite, now you can’t.
Anything else you need explained?
Now please sod off.
(Oh. And for the record, I might not have actually taken an armadillo to a pizza place. But please, shhhhhhh. Let’s not ruin the illusion.)
Wow. The trolls are getting desperate.
Excuse me, alppuccino? My ilk? I make a little joke and suddenly I have an “ilk.” How could you possibly ascertain that from such a brief post?
Your ilk must be persons who wear themselves out jumping to conclusions.
If you’re ilkless, I apologize.