What do I hate about soccer? Well, first of all, it’s so very European—what with the ridiculous colored socks, and with the hand made to feel guilty over what is its clear superiority in most activities requiring dexterity. That is to say, for the offense of being so useful, the hand is marginalized to the point of criminality. In soccer, using your hands is akin to committing a hate crime. And you know how eager Europeans are to prosecute hate crimes.*
Put another way: soccer is nothing more than affirmative action for the foot—a sport built around forced equality, “justified,” in the eyes of some, because the foot hasn’t mastered the art of cutting a steak, or pitching a dart, or finding a teenaged girl’s happy place in those two magical hours right after prom.
That the hand is being punished by presumptuous social engineers at FIFA, et al., simply because it has achieved a remarkable degree of transcultural success is truly insulting. Me, I can’t look at a European foot in a position of prominence without thinking, “gee, I wonder if that foot got where it is on merit, or if it was given a leg up by the policy dictate of some pandering politico who is looking to shore up the soccer hooligan vote.”
There. I said it.
I’m going to enjoy reading this thread.
Soccer bigot.
I have long advocated adding 2 more balls for a total of 3 balls in play at once, one of them being a 3 goal powerball. and midget goalies.
And don’t forget that one person on the team who in fact CAN use his hands, not because of anything he did to earn the right, but simply because of his position on the team.
How about making at least one of the three balls electrified, with bursts of electricity shocking whoever touches it at random intervals and random levels of voltage (from barely noticable to nearly lethal)?
I’d watch that.
Regular one-ball non-electo-shock Euro-pussy soccer can suck my nutsack.
Last World Cup I made a somewhat modest proposal of adding a second soccer ball, a second referree, implementing a hockey-style ‘on-the-fly’ shift change system, and allowing a defenseman to use his hands as a goalie in the event the opposing team has control of both of the soccer balls and is on the attack.
nil-nil, my ass.
13-9 with the game in doubt until the last minute.
In the event of injury the trainers would still drag the guy off the pitch and tend to him while play continues – because that is one good thing about soccer. The guy could be facing north but his foot pointing south and play would resume within right away.
Now *THAT’d be* a sport.
My hunch is that in two World Cups it will be a reality.
In the ‘reality-based’ sense of the word.
.
great idea phinn.
euros look at soccer and see what is.
americans look at soccer and see what could be.
I soured on the sport the second I heard an announcer say “They just took an insurmountable 1 – 0 lead.”
FIFA changes rules in attempts to improve the games. Most of the past cups have had new rules at each. The creation of the sudden death overtime, and its elimination. The end of some slide tackles. The crackdown on shirt tugging and other holding. The change of when a goalie can’t use their hands. The change in the offsides presumption. These are just a few I remember from the past few cups.
Most people sour on the ABC/ESPN announcers. Maybe that’s your situation
Soccer puts a premium on faking an injury to get the other side penalized. That alone is annoying.
Seeing Actus at the top of this thread conjurs the image of “that guy” who has seats behind home plate—and EVERY time the third base line camera goes on—we see “that guy” on his cell phone asking his friends “Can you see me? Here, I’ll lean to the left…”
The ESPN/ABC group is horrid. They should have tried to get Andy Grey or the EPL announcers. They add so much to the presentation of the games.
Also, America can’t seem to embrace any sport that doesn’t have 100 commercial breaks. I understand that from a advertiser standpoint, but there is something to be said for a 90 minute game that only take up 2 hours of your life. I’d think that we would embrace that kind of effeciency and instant gratification.
You know Jeff, I have to disagree with you here. The hand isn’t being punished, rather its being encouraged to be better, faster, more *ahem* underhanded and sneaky, all while giving the illusion of title X compliance to the other appendages, such as the feet or the head.
Its all about Darwinism masked as parity.
Just ask Didier Drogba.
I love soccer. Love it. EXCEPT – as John mentioned – the pansy-assed diving at minimal (or imagined) contact.
It just galls me to watch a player who is scarcely breathed on crumple to the ground in feign agony as though he had just taken a .44 round to the groin. Pussies.
Other than that – and I know I’m in the minority of Americans (which, hey, that should give me SOME special privilege, right?) – I love the athleticism, endurance, footwork, tenacity, and rivalry.
Perhaps it’s because I only pay attention to it quadrennially. Nil-nil might indeed grow quickly stale if it were a weekly event.
Soccer is just diving without the water.
I don’t know, I’ve accomplished quite a lot of romantic magic with my feet – and ribbed rubber dildo toe-tips.
Toe-balling?
Too much info, Bill.
TW: service. ….
It’s nice that there’s a World Cup every few years to provide us with its vivid metaphor for European politics: tedious gang-wars-to-tie between shiny-shirted multinational proxy-armies madly cheered by ethnic-nationalist factions of Jew-hating psychos who, when they’re not tossing fuhrer salutes, hurl bananas at the black players on their own teamsâ€â€which spectacle further proves them our born betters whose enlightened example we ignore at our moral peril.
Or so I keep hearing. The NBA season is still on, so I don’t give a rat’s, and my soccer-disinterest offends the class sensibilities of a majority of my social circle. My “of course I don’t follow the World Cupâ€â€I’m not a blood-and-soil fascist” spiel goes over huge with my futbol-loving lefty pals (which is all of them now, because they’re fiercely independent), who reflexively defend themselves by saying no, they’re rooting against the US team.
Nuance, see.
If they’d just change the scoring, Americans would like it more.
3-1 isn’t a score Americans like; 21-7 is.
2 things:
I’m not sure that “instant gratification” should appear in any discussion of soccer.
And second, soccer has next to nothing on the NBA for artificial, foul-inducing drama. Some of those flop more than… some politician famous for flopping.
Thank you, David Spade.
soccer….rather chap, I believe you mean to say football. Next you all will be calling cricket baseball or some such nonsense.
But the referee just keeps ignoring me!
Football = Soccer in America
Baseball != Cricket in any country
We all need to thank the British Navy for the spread of two world-wide plagues: gonorrhea and soccer.
Brownian motion with nets…
Soccer is a fine game for women and small children, but there are so many annoying things about it that we can scarcely hope to cover them all.
But let’s start with nobody except the referee even knowing how much time is left in the game…
I too have thought having several balls in play, and change-on-the-fly substitution ala hockey, would be a big improvement.
Imagine how boring the NBA would be if each team were only allowed two substitutions all game…
Every four years when the World Cup rolls around I try to figure out if the whole rest of the world is mad, or is it just us brutish uncooth Americans.
And then I watch a game for two hours that results in a 0-0 tie, and produces exactly one single ESPN worthy highlight.
One freaking highlight out of 90 minutes of game time. Game seven of the Stanley Cup last night (which by the way, was one of top ten best hockey games I’ve ever seen) had about ten ESPN worthy highlights in the first 90 seconds of the game.
Sorry, I’ll pass.
And by the way, if these guys claim to be such world class athletes, why do they fall down every ten seconds? Is the pitch laid on a field of bacon grease or something?
Avoid the MSM filter.
Tic
Tic
Tic…
Last time I paid attention to soccer was when the U.S. women’s team won the ladies World Cup, and the one gal whipped off her shirt in bosomy celebration.
Which caught my attention, for it could be a harbinger of what I think all of us lads are looking forward to: topless women’s sports. (I mean, beyond just foxy boxing and jello wrestling, perfectly legitimate pursuits they may be.)
So, like, what happened with that, anyway? Do we have boobage yet?
Imagine how boring the NBA would be if each team were allowed unlimited substitution.
Sadly, no imagination is required for that one.
I’ll take Lacrosse over soccer any day. Who ever has the ball, you can legally do anything you want to him with a three foot long hardwood club with a net on the end. Now THAT is a man’s sport. It’s like smear the queer, only with sticks!
Wow, bashing soccer, how original. I came to soccer after watching the entire ‘98 world cup, and when I went to start watching football that fall (my favorite team was the Eagles, of course) I found I couldn’t take the ads. I find it bizarre now to see them interrupt a game in-progress for five minutes of ads. It seems so artificial. Once you lose your insensitivity to such mangling of a sport for commercial purposes, you *cannot* go back to simply ignoring the presence of the ads. Remember, the MSM (and ESPN) gains if everyone repeats the mantra “soccer is only for eurosnobs and children, there aren’t enough points in soccer” ad naseum.
As far as “high scoring” or “low scoring” go, when I hear this, I immediately know that the speaker has absolutely no appreciation for athletic talent. Skill and prowess at the game is completely reflected in the score line, so how about every time someone scores, you just think to yourselves 5 pts. Perhaps a 15-10 point match would be more appealing somehow than a 2-1 goal game?
If you need ESPN to pick out highlights, its time to admit to yourself that while you may like games, you don’t care for true sports that require athletic talent.
same-old same-old blog.
Soccer. Great game.
I love watching my daughter play it.
Well, nude gymnastics is a step in the right direction, as far as I’m concerned…
(NSFW)
If you need ESPN to pick out highlights, its time to admit to yourself that while you may like games, you don’t care for true sports that require athletic talent.
I have a three year old nephew and he falls down less than these so-called athletically superior atheletes.
Ever watch Barry Sanders play American Football? He ran so well that other people fell down trying to catch him. THAT requires far more athletic talent than anything on a soccer field.
How about hockey? They possess the same skills as many other atheletes, except they do it on ice. I guess you think that’s easy.
And I don’t need ESPN to pick out highlights for me, the problem is THERE AREN’T ANY TO PICK OUT.
Falling down and whining like someone just removed a limb is not a highlight.
Soccer? I’d rather watch chess.
Love this blog but don’t understand the soccer bigotry. If you don’t like the game, fine. Indulge in the entertainment you like and don’t be a prick.
Is there a sport that can’t be made fun of? Crotch-grabbing fat bastards playing the extremely fast-moving game of baseball with tobacco-infused sputum running down their chins? Freaks of nature playing football? Ditto with basketball plus so much scoring as to render a given basket trivial?
No game survives without its appeal. If you can’t see that appeal then either find out or just STFU.
And by the way, red is WAY prettier than blue.
Now, INDOOR soccer is cool. You can toss people into the boards, just like hockey. The court is small, and action is fast and violent.
You have given voice to the previously indescribable discomfort I’d felt for the “game.” As close as I’d come to it before reading this revelatory post was that I didn’t like the fact that all the players seemed so Episcopalean.
Whoa, there Grumpy McSeriouspants, can’t take a joke can we? You didn’t just lose at this game, perchance?
I’ll be a prick whenever I damn well please, thankyouverymuch.
I tried to get in to soccer a few times because I figured that there must be something about it that I’m missing. Every time I come to the same conclusion- it’s fucking stupid and boring.
And Anthony, if you don’t like to read people making fun of soccer, then don’t fucking read a post that starts out with the question “What do I hate about soccer?”
I might just point out here that there’s a degree of tongue-in-cheek self-mockery going on here, too.
That, and soccer is EVIL!
my 3ball/powerball suggestion was an earnest attempt to be helpful, to help the game become less simplisme, less third-worldy.
If we don’t dominate it, it does not matter.
That is all.
Lotsa luck. The chess guys didn’t go for it either.
Sounds like the softball game at the last Dovetonsils family picnic. Aunt Katie always forgets to bring her spit cup onto the pitcher’s mound.
(Besides, everyone knows the One True Sport is Chicago-style 16-inch softball. No gloves, just manly men playing sports the way they should be played: with a cigar in your mouth and a beer in your hand. Let’s see Ronaldohindothatyoudo try that, shall we?)
Slightly off-topic, but not entriely: I’ve found a thread on another blog where they know how to ignore retarded telephone poles.
Soccer players have amazing legs.
And often, very good hair. One Japanese player, Nakazawa, has hair to die for. Spain has the best team hair.
Oh. They made the ball lighter this year so that it’s harder to stop from flying into the goal. So you’ve seen the wildly inflated 3 goals in one game.
“Check that kick!”
“Check out THAT kick!”
“Check out that KICK!”
“CHECK out that kick!”
“Check OUT that kick!”
“HEADER!”
“Check out that kick!”
“We are watching the best athletes the world had to offer!”
“Check out that kick!”
I know how we can liven up the game AND pump some life into the moribund Kosovar economy!
Remember all those landmines the McCartney’s were always whining about?
Well, if the Kosovars will scavenge the detonators out of them, we can buy them and set them for varying weights of impact and put them inside the soccer balls with just a small touch of PETN to liven things up for the cameras…
Except in the Tanuki League. They did not adopt the lighter ball rule.
See what I did there, Maybee?
–brought it all the way back around.
Hockey – gotta love a sport where you have to sharpen the equipment.
My Chilean friend loves basketball but can’t stand watching it in Spanish – she says the commentators don’t really get it and the Americans are so much better at it. She loves soccer too and won’t watch it in English for the same reason.
Maybe the trick is to watch soccer in Spanish?
So far it hasn’t worked for me, except I love it when the one guy yells “GOOOOOOOOL, GOOOOOOL, GOLASOOOOO!” Which doesn’t happen very often of course.
I am ALL FOR SOCCER. At the end of the game on Saturday a bunch of the players took their shirts off.
Finally, something for me to watch.
Wouldn’t you rather have those golfers to take their polos off.
Now that’s a full Monty.
Heh. I actually watched the Telephone Pole call someone stupid on Pattericoa couple of weeks back.
They ignored him.
tw: schools. Yes indeed.
I’m the world’s most knowledgeable sports fan, and I’ve become a soccer convert over the last decade. The best things about Euro-footie besides the skills at play are the amazingly good announcers, the short games, and (most of all) relegation and promotion, which means that every game matters, especially to the teams at the bottom of the standings. If American sports, baseball for example, could shorten the games to 2 hours, have a 1988-vintage Vin Scully call every game, and demote the Pirates and Royals after another awful season (promoting the Triple-A champs to take their places), then we’d be onto something.
The worst thing about football are the Latin players diving and the corruption. So I stick with the English leagues, where there’s much less of both (didja like how McBride got painted red by that elbow to the face and didn’t roll around nearly as much as the Italian who got touched on the shoulder?).
All the way around, baby. As if you were wearing it for a backpack.
I’m having the straps stiched on this Friday.
They’ll be using a local. Smart?
“stiched” being North-Central German dialect for “stitched”
Soccer: I’ve tried to enjoy it. Really, I have. But I just can’t shake the image of the Brazilians writhing on the ground when anyone comes within Recife to Rio distance of them.
Plus, my moniker should indicate what I think the only REAL sport is….
Watching children’s programming on PBS?
lol, MayBee.
Excuse me now while I hit the deck in my best impersonation of Ronaldinho.
How large of an area can a local cover and still be called a local?
Seriously, alppu. If more people in the US knew about Tanuki, I think we could make a fortune on Tanuki League Soccer gear.
Brilliant post, Jeff. Damn, I wish I wrote that. I had related, yet inferior thoughts, which I posted on the subject at Volokh:
Another noteworthy critique in the comments is here.
Didn’t mean to be that vague; I meant here.
Screw it. Read the whole thing.
I guess basketball is out of the question. Baseball’s soon to follow.
Also, soccer is for gay people. lol@me I am teh funnay.
Who here is surprised that actus is a soccer fan?
As a player and high school soccer coach, I agree with the diving and I’ve been very amused with the lack of calls this World Cup for those Greg Louganis types(especially when they’ve finished writhing and see the ball going the other way without a call), but I have to say that it ain’t the Brazilians doin’ the diving.
Italians, on the other hand, dive at everything.
As a drinking game, I drink one time for every roll those guys pull off after a dive.
As for the low scoring, I’m a goalkeeper so I love it…plus I can use my hands.
I’m taking on the Man!!!!!
Or that we are gauging people based on that? I knew it would be a good thread.
Amazingly coherent for the aftermath of that alcohol avalanche, Darren.
I did see an interesting World Cup game once. Pele bicycle kicked a goal past Rambo to beat the Nazis in ‘44 IIRC.
I’d say you’ve provided ample context over time. Hardly a revelation that sanctimonious futball snobbery would go along with your effete, sanctimonious, and reactionary anti-American cynicism.
TW: leave
Oh i’m sure you’ve built up a view of me over time. Its just the soccer thing that’s funny. Or calling what i’ve written here soccer snobbery.
You’re probably right that it can’t be properly categorized as snobbery. It just smells so actussy. My bad.
Go on, you. Love you some World Cup.
Be fair. The last time he played dodgeball he was unconscious for three days and woke up a law student.
Insert Brandy Chastain joke here.
What is the officially approved conservative position on badminton? Are its players socialist world-government pussies, patriotic free-market manly men, or is it just, you know, a sport?
And how do we get around the fact that ice hockey is a vicious contact sport dominated by Canadians and Europeans?
Official conservative position:
Badminton: Hilarious. shuttlecock, shuttlecock, shuttlecock.
Ice hockey: Real sport that has spared Canada the embarrassment of falling for soccer, and provides hope for the re-establishment of men in Europe.
TW: woman
As a feminist, I refuse to watch soccer. It looks like a gang of men violently kicking a uterus around in a competition to control it. Scalia probably loves soccer.
It must be played according to Peckinpah Rules.
Wishbone,
I think of it as practice for trying to keep up with Jeff during Blogger Bashes…or as we usually say at the end of those
“Blogpophhher Bashhhhhshhess”
Jeez, I sound like Anna Nicole Smith
TW: provide As in if you provide the drinks, I’ll watch just about anything
Like the Lil’ Tanuki Dribble Trainer?
-no more lost balls.
First we steal all of their players, and all of the teams that are any good. Then we beat up what’s left and take Lord Stanley’s Cup to North Carolina.
tw: British. Now there’s a hockey powerhouse!
Auto racing is the true capitalist sport: Corporate sponsored cutting edge-technology, no franchising- anyone who shows up and qualifies can race, and death is a very real possibility if you fuck up. Everything else is just a game.
Aren’t there strict rules limiting competiton? Thats whats weird about people who think that euro soccer is somehow lefty. Its got no drafts or other “socialist” schemes to redistribute money or talent among the teams.
All right, I’ll go against the grain here: I like soccer. I was at the ‘96 Olympic gold medal game where the US women beat China, and it was one of the most exciting sporting events I’ve ever been to.
Here in Boston, we’ve got lots of Brazillians, and they always go nuts for the World Cup. The excitement is pretty contageous.
Plus, Andres Cantor is one of the best play-by-play guys in any language.
How about motorcycle racing. Same deal but faster and more dangerous!
There are rules limiting the technology in most divisions, primarily to keep the cost down. Racing can be insanely expensive. And yeah Farmer Joe, I include bikes, flat-trackers are special fav’s of mine. 100+mph, side-ways, on dirt.
Flat track is insane. So is ice racing.
I like the regular track races, though. 200 mph on the straights, then slowing up to 40 or so for the turns. That ain’t easy.
TW: …or so I’m told.
So you’re saying that I should stop reading your posts with the mental image of a Jack Russell terrier with a flair for the dramatic?
Slow pitch softball, golf, bowling and darts are the only true sports.
(If you can’t win while you’re drunk off your ass, it ain’t a sport)
That being said, Ghana’s going down!
kick-kick, kicky kick kick.
Add truncheons and I’m in. Everybody loves a good truncheoning.
It would still retain its Europeeingness that way, so everyone would be happy: Americans get real violence and the Europeans find a new purpose for their out-of-control truncheon supply.