—I know, I know. But the thing is, with Rockies’ shortstop Clint Barmes batting in the mid .180s, and with last year’s number one draft pick out of Long Beach State, shortstop Troy Tulowitzki, more of a defensive specialist than an offensive threat—at least at this point in his professional career—the little guy has convinced himself he can fill the shortstop gap in the interim, and so he’s started spending every night callousing up his tiny claws at the local batting cages, hoping he can get his stroke back in time for a July free-agent signing.
Of course, to help his chances, he’s also started eating steroids like Michael Moore eats bloomin’ onions. Which means that I’ve had to put up with a fractious, armor-plated amino stacker who, to be honest, is starting to look eerily like that Michelin tire dude. Though, in the pumped bastard’s defense, he is likely far more proficient than is the Michelin tire dude at driving pitches out away from him into the right-center gap, or at turning on the inside fastball with a viciousness I haven’t seen outside of, oh, Gary Sheffield or a young Bob Horner.
Plus, I hear those signing bonuses bring in some serious scratch, man. And grub worms ain’t as cheap as they used to be.
I think I can help you here. Angel Berroa. We need a starter. Berroa would hit 20-30 dingers for the Rockies, field better than average, walk twice, strike out 130 times and hit .270.
What kind of arms ya got?
Jeff,
Your Rox are actually pitching and catching far above expectation. They sport the 7th lowest team ERA in baseball and are tied for 5th in fielding percentage.
Ironically, it’s the offense that blows!
The Rox, usually an offensive machine, have scored the third fewest runs in all of baseball,
222, leading only the woeful Cubs (202) and Royals(200). There’s your problem.
So, if the ‘dillo can hit with runners in scoring position, I say sign him up and worry about the pee test later. After all, maybe he gets an “Original Whizzinator” for Father’s Day?
Kirby Puckett?
You could do worse…
– But can he do a back summersault?
Rockies, Heh, can’t deny their doing well, but that article sending the message that “clean living” plays a part in their sucess is likely to come back and haunt them. Once the all star break is over and they start to slide lefty college boys will pop up claiming banning porn mags in the locker room stunted the Rockies, afterall how can anyone be at their peak performance without rosey palmer having a visit… besides, aren’t those magazines produced on a printing press? Where’s the ACLU? Another violation of freedom of the press… <sarcasm.off>
tw: what? you have a problem with university boys that couldn’t get laid if they were a hens egg unless they had a roll of toilet tissue, an issue of sports illustrated, a little petroleum jelly, a free hand and privacy?
Fuck a bunch of dancin’. It didn’t do anything for Kenny Mayne.
If he gets to where he can hit that nasty curve that starts way outside and then comes in at the last minute, then I would advise you to post the mirrored disco ball on ebay. I’ll take the Bose system off your hands.
TW: justice – bessboll was bedy good to Dave
Who did he used to play for?
shortstop? I thought ‘dillos always played catcher?
gahrie,
you saying all ‘dillos are gay? And I thought this wasn’t a hate blog.
A little fractiousness seems a small price to pay for the possible return on the little guy’s amazing arm. Unless, of course, you’re pumping up the details of his feats, er, tiny little claws.
On the other hand, if he’s as good as you say, maybe the D-backs’ scouts should take a look…
TW: must
I…be dreaming again.
Jeff, I think you misspelled “snatch”.
rls: I think we should also trade him Ken Harvey for some cold Colorado brews and a blister-pack or two of the red pills.
PVWC —
Yeah, I know. I predicted May would be their tough month, and I believe they’ve played the toughest schedule in baseball thus far (only one team—in a three-game set—below .500).
But they’ve also been without their opening day projected lineup, and Hurdle is just not a good manager (tonight, we pulled within run, and he brings a reliever in to start the eighth who the league is hitting .500 against). The Rockies don’t take pitches, and they can’t hit with runners in scoring position. Worse, they won’t do the little things, like hitting behind a runner of hitting a fly ball to get somebody in from third with less than two out. But they play in a tight division, have good starting pitching and a good bullpen, and an offense that is only hurting because Helton is struggling since his return from the DL, and because they are still missing a couple of projected starters.
I expect, though, that they’ll get that squared away enough to compete.
You fool!! Shortstop is all about footwork!!
MAKE him dance!!
I knew it. That little road casserole is a faggot.
Jeff,
You’re right, the NL Worst is totally up for grabs.
If Helton can find his stroke, Torrealba
can produce at the plate in his first full-time role, Morrero and Sullivan rebound from their current funks and Barmes gets over his sophomore
slump and starts looking like last year’s Rookie of the Year candidate, then the offense should be alright.
What worries me is the starting staff. Francis is a budding star, but Jennings can’t seem to harness his talent and B. Kim and Fogg look like .500 pitchers at best. The bullpen has missed DeJean, but still put up decent numbers.
Seem’s to me that the NL West will come down to whomever makes the best moves at the trading deadline. Given that GM Ned Colletti in LA has something to prove in his inaugral season and a big budget, I’d have to give them the nod. Especially if Kent and Drew can stay healthy.
As I said a few weeks ago, you can’t win the pennant in May, but you can lose it. Just look at the Cubs for proof.
Net-net, you’ll at least have a team in contention for the division into August and it’s been a long time since there’s been any late summer excitement at Coors.
Jeez, Conspirator, if we had that level of analysis going on around here in say, the political arena, we’d have things about licked.
.
.
.
Oh, that was just uncalled for…
I knew armadillos were slow, but come on. Steroids are so….90’s. Besides, you can time him from home to first with a sundial already. If he bulks up he’s gonna have to get a set of rocket boosters like the tortoise had in that Bugs Bunny cartoon.
Spamword, “reached,” as in, “Man, he hasn’t even reached first yet and the whole team is already in the dugout.”
” … like Michael Moore eats bloomin’ onions.”
I thought this was the blog that doesn’t approve of making fun of people and doesn’t like to hurt feelings.
When the little guy hits the wall with roids, let him know: “nano-tech, It’s what me a Barry are doing now.”
How’s the little armored bastard with the leather? Can he turn the double play on a hot line drive?
Tampa Bay could use a shortstop with some power at the plate.
Wait, Michael Moore doesn’t eat bloomin’ onions?
If I’ve erred, I apologize profusely. And please, pass that apology along to the solicitous folks at alicublog, would you? I’d do it myself, but, well, I don’t really feel like it.
I don’t know, man. I don’t think we can get them to take two that are suckers for the low outside breaking ball in the dirt. I posited Berroa because at Coors Field he would get some first pitch fastballs to hit, and boy, he can jack some fast balls. Harvey, on the other hand, has this idea that he is going to get a pitch to hit late in the count. Besides, they have a fairly decent 1st baseman.
Colorado does though have a history of rejuvenating KC discards. Marrero (released by KC) seems to fit in quite nice.
Maybe if we just settle for the red pills we could strike a deal.
Y’mean he’s pursuing his lifelong dream to play in the major leagues while battling leprosy at the same time? Wow, I’m so proud of that little trooper… Sniff.
It’s a little-known fact that a bloomin’ onion’s pure fat content is substantially less than 97%, which makes it insufficient for MM’s metabolism.
Because it actually contains onion. Which is a vegetable.
I am not making this up.
Jeff was talking about Michael Moore.
When he turns up in a vat of Soylent Green, maybe then an apology will be in order. But I just don’t think it’s gonna happen.
Hey, at least it would be a hard double play to break up. Gotta figger, he stands up to Buicks, a pair of spikes ain’t gonna faze him.
He’s 18 inches tall standing on his hind legs. How low can you pitch him.
And that’s the day I embrace yogurt…
Speaking of hurt feelings, the Michelin dude does have a name: it’s Bibendum. And you did misspell “snatch.”