From CBS News:
While on the presidential trail in 2004, Sen. John Kerry earned a reputation as an elitist. But is he choosier than Vice President Dick Cheney?
According to documents unveiled by an investigative Web site, the answer seems to be a simple yes. The Massachusetts Democrat and his wife, Theresa Heinz Kerry, adore Caesar salads and stone crab, but John Kerry doesn’t want anything to do with celery or Evian bottled water.
And even though his wife is an heir to Heinz food company fortune, the travel rider reveals that Kerry didn’t want anything to do with tomatoes.
The duo’s four pages of travel and hotel needs  posted Monday by The Smoking Gun following last week’s posting of a relatively meager travel rider for the Vice President  list dozens of meal preferences and room specifications.
Like most other celebrities and politicians, the Kerrys have specific desires  some standard, some quirky.
The Kerrys’ wants included :
Vitamin waters and peanut butter (Skippy creamy) on the bus and in the hotel
Boost “weight maintenance” drinks
A recumbent bicycle (a note from Kerry’s scheduling director reads: Kerry “would prefer a recumbent bike these days” rather than an upright stationary bicycle)
Milano cookies
Down pillows
Television with “ability to order movies in-suite”
But don’t present John Kerry with :
Tomato-based anything
Foodstuffs containing celery
Heavy sauces
Evian bottled water (he prefers Poland Spring)
“I know this may seem trivial, but these things make (Kerry) very happy,” chief scheduler Alyssa Mastromonaco wrote.
The Smoking Gun has obtained and published some 200 concert riders  the lists of backstage dressing-room must-haves by stars from Jimmy Buffett to Britney Spears. Last week, the site published Cheney’s rider, with needs including: all television sets tuned to Fox News, all lights on, and the thermostat set to 68 degrees. Cheney, 65 with a history of heart disease, plays it safe on beverages and asks for decaf coffee  brewed before his arrival  plus lots of bottled water and four cans of Diet Sprite.
Not sure any of this matters. Except to say that America did well to avoid electing a man with such a distrust of tomatoes and celery. And “eavy sauces,” which is simply transnational progressivist code for “country gravy.”
Although, to his credit, he did surpise me and choose Poland Springs over Evian. Is it possible I underestimated the man’s patriotism…? I mean, Vietnam and all.
(h/t Allah)
Um, ketchup is tomato-based. And that’s where his wife’s money comes from. Coincidence?……
Well, one look at Theresa will explain this one.
Dude, no Mountain Dew?
This was, like, supposed to be the XTreme President, man, le Freakin’ Presidente, hombre.
I saw him windsurf, man, like totally rad. Then he got up on the slopes man and was like cutting full 180 Ollies on the half-pipe, bra.
And I was like, fuck yeah, man.
KERRY WILL ROCK YOUR FACE, MAN!
Both
Television with “ability to order movies in-suiteâ€Â
AND
Vitamin waters and peanut butter
Looking to SPICE! things up a bit I’d say.
And no mention of nipple clamps? I’m flabbergasted!
No tomatoes, no nipple clamps. Duh.
He’d starve to death in south Louisiana. Creole food has tomatoes and celery in everything. And a man who doesn’t like creole cooking…fuckin’ freak.
:peter
“If JK screams ‘bring me the head of Alberto Gonzalez’ in his sleep, just ignore him.”
SB: hope
it helps
Word.
It’s widely known in the Mass. social circles that Theresa would give young John – as punishment – what came to be known as a “Bloody Kerry” which consisted of jamming 2 ripe tomatoes up his ass, followed by a nimble reaming with a full, firm celery stalk – unlubed of course.
The shame alone put the young senator off of V8 for months.
How about the constant reference to “JK”? JFK, anyone? Kerry is such a jackass.
The anti-Evian thing is probably just so he wouldn’t be photographed with a French consumer product in his hand. He’s nothing if not a complete media whore, after all.
But the thing that jumped out at me wasn’t the celery thing. Celery doesn’t mean anything to me. (Tomatoes are near and dear to my heart, though, so if I didn’t already hate him … well, you know).
What got me was that he also hates sandwiches.
Sandwiches!
Except on the bus.
Weirdo.
The universe continues to give me reasons why I should not ever contemplate running for political office.
Does this mean a recumbent exercise bike, or does JK like to ride from his room down to the limo?
What’s the point of being cabana boy to a billionairess if you can’t hire a team of serfs, er servants, to pick the tomato and celery out of your food. Sheesh.
What? No tanning booth?
Ah yes, the old celery ploy, I know it well as my instincts tell me that the celery is a danjerous device able to be used in many nefarious ploys to get one to eat it and so forth, yes yes. Monsieur Kerry is waz to understand this ploy and stay as far away from it as he possibly can.
Au revoir.
Jaques Clouseau, Chief Insp.
What I want to know is how many stories Countdown will do on Kerry’s demands?
I’m surprised he didn’t request a feedbag full of oats for his enormous equine head.
It’s a damn shame he doesn’t have “Edward” in his name. He could have been known as Mr. Ed during the campaign.
Crap, that would have given us Mr. Ed and The Silky Pony on one ticket. It boggles the mind.
I can’t believe we got this far without a mention of “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.”
It wasn’t a subliminal knock on his wife, he was just burnishing his security bonafides.
The funny thing about Cheney’s requirements is that his “demands” are nohing more than what the typical hotel offers to their customers. If you travel at all and stay in any decent hotel his requirements are met without any special changes in the typical room.
Cripes, Cheney can have the decaf from my room – I’ll trade him for the real stuf…
“Enormous equine head”-I read that five minutes ago and I’m still laughing.
As far as I am concerned, Kerry has always resembled the other end of the horse.
Well, let’s compare and contrast here.
Kerry’s staff memo was … a memo to staff. Traveling 24/7 on a cross-country campaign with a candidate who did not have – like the POTUS and VP – naval stewards traveling with him to bring the home sheets for the bed, provide the food, change out the shampoos, etc. (some is standard security procedure, I understand).
And do you think for a second that a man with a pacemaker and on medication does not have some special food requirements? Google Cheney’s remarks about the naval stewards handling his special diet while at home. Do you think those food requirements would be sent to staff by memo? Why, are they the ones ordering pizza? (see above)
So, if you eliminate the staff instructions about what types of food candidate Kerry and family prefer while on the road – like avoiding tomatoes, spicy food, and chocolate “for the time being” while traveling (how unusual!) – you are left with two sets of rather similar requests for what someone finds comfy in a hotel room (and by the way, is “downtime” the same as … spending the night?).
Cheney likes 68 degrees. Kerry likes good air circulation.
Both like their special beverages.
Both like some food appliances handy.
Both like their comfy beds. Kerry likes down pillows. Cheney evidently gets to travel with his bedding.
Kerry would like a bathrobe, please. Cheney wants a desk with chair.
Kerry would like his staff to bring along an exercise bike. According to the NY Times, Cheney’s travel staff has been seen unloading an exercise bike from AF2 more than once.
Cheney likes Fox. Kerry is a movie guy.
Wow, both these guys are picky!
Yawn. Oh excuse me, did I yawn?
Oh yes, they both like their newspapers.
Yet one of these yawners was important enough for CBS news! I CANNOT IMAGINE WHY.
And the other wasn’t important enough until the Internet made the first story look even more silly. IT IS CURIOUS. WHY WON’T THE INTERNET LEAVE CBS ALONE?
BECAUSE OF THE…
Um…
Pretty much everything, actually.
Yawn. Oh excuse me, did I yawn?
So you read the whole post, researched for some similarities, gave serious thought to your comment and then wrote “This is boring and not worth my time”.
Where do you stand at parties to avoid being crushed by the throngs, stampeding toward you, in desparate need of a side-splitting humor fix?