self-doubt: “Dude. You kinda suck.”
me: “True. But I can bench 300. And on the plus side, at least I’m not a pseudo-intellectual cocklord like this smarmy tool, who, to judge by the level of humor found at his hateful leftwing pixeldump, wouldn’t know funny if it dressed up in big floppy shoes and a red nose and started fingering his superclenched squeakhole with an oversized white thumb from one of its enormous white clown gloves.”
update: “So, y’know—glass half full and all that.”*
Which reminds me: Don’t miss the RMBB.
Come, watch me wallow in some well-earned self-pity as I curse my blogging competitors, drunk as a Scotsman who’s stuffed his bagpipes with Mead.
Readers are of course welcome.
As a wise man once told me in a trying hour, “BUCK UP, HARD CHARGER!”
Aha! Maybe to get on the A list you need to suck 300. Worked for Jessica Alba.
Let me if I understand this?
You are #36 in TTLB Blog ecoshpere.
Where your daily traffic is rated #116
According to Technorati you have 1364 websites
linked to you the top 2
Being Instapundit and Hugh Hewitt
and you think YOU are a failure?
Folks the rest of us better just give up and quit. The Bar is TOO high!
I don’t know what this macho “bench” crap is, but we all know you can BELCH 300…-word sentences!
HA!
SONNED!
I’m not a failure, Dan. I just want to EXCEL!
And BoZ, if anybody likes my long sentences, it’s you. Don’t think I don’t see you staring at them.
– Maybe this sounds a little squeely lefty like, but there is the idea they’re afraid to link you. It could be just that simple, in which case its sort of a badge of honor. Makes you kind of puffy chested, and woodie laden, sort of “48 hours” struttin’ to think you give the opposition hives…..But I’m with Boz. Those pikes peak in less than an hour, I havn’t seen anything that long since John Holmes, monumental sentences must be a hell of a challange for the average Kosmoninny with their attention spans of the time it takes to open a Red Bull….
My prescription.
Take 2 trips into the lefty competition and you’ll be back in the morning all shiny and new.
300 ounces? 300 grams? 300 dimes? 300 pounds of Menocino buds? 300 pounds of Oliver Willis’ 500 pounds of fat? what???????
Or Mendocino….which is a county in California, you know…
Spamword, “however”……
It’s not just that your sentences are so long, Jeff, they’re also incredibly . . . difficult.
Wait, HARD! I meant hard! FUCK I RUINED THE JOKE MY LIFE IS A LIE
A favorite line of mine from chick-flick-with-my-favorite-underrated-heartthrob-Bill-Pullman While You Were Sleeping:
Good brother: You suck.
Bad brother: I suck, or the suit sucks?
Good brother: (Looks him up and down, shakes head in disgust) Both.
Jeff Goldstein doesn’t suck. More haikus, please. Long sentences are great, having the dual advantages of making me feel smart because I can follow them (which I know is a reflection on Jeff far more than on me) and weeding out the slackers, but “The Prude’s Haiku” and follow-up made my husband laugh so hard he shot wine out of his nose. (Ouch.)
Yea, you really suck. That’s why I come here six times a day. It’s like watching a train wreck; I just can’t look away.
(If I showed up at the RMBB, don’t you think that would be a bit too much like stalking?)
It’s a Zen thing: if you care, it won’t happen.
Amplification: Concentrating, obsessing, on metrics of success that depend on others’ opinions will cause you to alter your work to try to attract the audience you self-define as the arbiters of success. Those changes are more likely than not to drive away the audience you attract because of your unique contribution, thereby making it less likely you’ll get heavily linked.
Bread cast upon the waters returneth tenfold. Bread floated upon the waters with a string attached and a hook inside rotteth and sinketh. Keep doing what you do.
Regards,
Ric
Bear them fardles, bitch!
-The Consolation Haiku-
If you think you suck
Then what about those losers
Who bite at your heels?
According to Technorati I have 190 websites linked to mine and
my rating is 6973 out of 27.8 Million Blogs that puts me in the
top 0.025% in the World.
YOU have 1364 sites linked to you I don’t know what your rating is
but IMAO has 1036 websites linked to it and is rated 627
or in the top 0.0023% in the World.
Ranking.com has you ranked 804,642 not in Blogs but for the Entire Internet
So what is your definition of Excel?
And how long have you been doing this?/
Have some patience Grasshopper
How are you measuring success Jeff?
It may be that you are wildly successful, just not in the ways you would like to see it manifest itself.
Although I can’t believe you’ve never been linked by IMAO, maybe Frank thinks you’re a monkey?
– Naw…. Sarah would kick Franks ass if he monkeyed around…..
Yeah, lighten up guy. The drive to excel is fine, but sometimes I wonder if you aren’t going to sneak off and join a flagellant order of monks… well, I don’t really worry about that, I mean, unless they brewed a really mean ale. Wait, that’s the Trappists, right?
Dude, you don’t suck.
300…that’s it???
Dude…you need to work those triceps harder…gotta work the lockout!
It depends on what the definition of “suck” is.
Lessee… Complete thoughts, proper punctuation, good spelling, humor, visitors and comments and no cat pictures.
When you live-blog CYO basketball games you can say you suck.
TW: games. weird
What? No cat pictures!!
On second thought, never mind. You don’t suck. Got it?
Cat pictures!!! I knew this blog was missing something!
You no suck! There, have we suck up enough?
you no sucky…we love you longtime, GI.
I choo-choo-choose you, Jeff!
i think you should expand your audience by doing more hiphop blogging. The one hiphop post you did generated a lot of comments. Works for me!
And this Nelly song reminds me of you, evah time i hear it.
Shake Ya Tailfeather–nelly, murphy, etc.
Any creative soul who doesn’t think he sucks probably does.
Good point, Attila.
A creative person without sufficient outlet for his creativity becomes morose. A friend told me that recently. I’ve decided you need another outlet, Jeff.
Write a book for Satchel. Publish it. I would buy a twisted children’s book from you.
Rest assured, you suck big time. And you couldn’t bench 200 during a PCP binge.
Just think if the armadillo actually danced!
See, once you looked at your competition you would know you didn’t suck.
Well this IS my favorite blog. Which probably is proof that you do suck. Since the world has never beaten down the door of my favorite anything.
Protein Wisdom sucks because it makes me think which makes my head hurt. Hitting the PayPal button repeatedly just seems to make it worse in a better sort of way. Please adivse. . .
Alternate “happy” ending:
me: “True. But I can bench 300. And on the plus side, at least I’m not a pseudo-intellectual cocklord like this smarmy tool, who, to judge by the level of humor found at his hateful leftwing pixeldump, wouldn’t know funny if it dressed up in big floppy shoes and a red nose and drove one of those tiny clown cars right up into his superclenched squeakhole, where it immediately rolled down a window and began to pleasure his pancreas with a particularly naughty coupling of balloon animals.”
Take your pick
I like the first one better. The second ‘it’ is too ambiguous between the car and “funny”. It took me a few seconds to realize it was “funny” pleasuring his pancreas, rather than the car, and thinking you were talking about the car made me go “huh?” Also, those cars are small compared to other cars, but pretty large when compared to anuses (ani?), and for some reason the complete impossibility of such a thing happening detracted from, rather than enhanced, the humor. I’m not sure why, since I got a real kick out of the talking kleagle hat.
I’ve over analyzed it, haven’t I?
But the second has naughty baloon animals. You can’t go wrong with that.
I like naughty balloon animals…
Cocklord?
Is that on the yearly Honors list?
SB: private
I’ll never tell
Mojo, only since the Blair government.
Jeff, you feature prominently in my Internet addiction.
Illegitimi non carborundum and all that.
TW: I await your “bill.”
Is that any way to get to know someone? Maybe on a second date perhaps.
Ever notice that the best movies only do okay at the box office? Or that the best books don’t get sold in the Airport news racks? When was the last time the greatest musicians sold the most albums? Ever?
Maybe you could write in a way that got you a few more eyeballs, but you don’t write that way, now. Thank G-d.
Now. Sack up. And write something dirty for us.
Salieri prayed to God to make him famous, and God did; but He gave Mozart talent.
Be Mozart.