—Yeah, yeah, I know. But cut the little fella some slack, would you? In addition to spending last night keeping me company in the ER, the poor bastard’s got a few troubles of his own, having borrowed $6300 from the local Wop loanshark to buy his way into a high-stakes poker game, where he lost everything when some preternaturally lucky dead-toothed Brit—drunk on Thomas Hardy Ale and farting like a cheese-gorged Mexican asleep in the bed of an El Camino—drew to an inside straight.
All of which means that in addition to sleeping with one eye open—clutching a butterfly knife in his tiny claws for fear of having his shell cleaved by a stiffed Dago with an aluminum Easton—he’s been picking up extra shifts at the local King Soopers (where he makes $6.50 an hour scooting behind the display cases picking up damaged fruit or bags of frozen peas that have tripped from their perches) in hopes of saving up enough bread to clear his account. After which, he comes directly home, whacks off to country ballads, and falls right to sleep. Doesn’t even have time for a snack.
Poor dear.
If the little plated guy was with you, they should’ve run tests for leprosy. . .
“You have already voted once in the last 24 hours”
Twice, actually.
RACIST!!!
Has that ‘dillo has been putting the wrong ideas in your head while you were delirious? I wouldn’t put it past him.
Hm…
Now I’m beginning to think that “the armadillo” is Jeff’s Tyler Durden.
Well, at least he’s still a better role model than you.
As much as you’ve been milking this poor guy, he should have his own nomination.
Turing = moment, as in I thought there might be an actual payoff this Friday, for a moment.
Well, if it’s any consolation, I don’t make him pay rent.
Okay, I believed everything – up to the ‘country ballads’ part.
While we all know that life is a stage but perhaps our little armored friend needs a special one of his own. Try one of these.
http://www.platinumstages.com/viewitem.asp?pid=10844&menu=stages
One of these and a disco ball and I’ll bet the little bastard would dance all night.
P.S. I would shy away from the brass pole. They’re a bitch to keep shiny or so I’ve been told.
Jeff, the soon-to-be-champion Dilbert site has some helpful advice for the little guy.
Geez, the only information you can find at this place is how to caulk rotted windows. No wonder you’re getting bent over…
I’m starting to worry. It’s Martin and Lewis, Abbott and Costello, Sonny and Cher, all over again. Jeff is nothing without the ‘dillo, and vice versa. But the ‘dillo isn’t handling the fame and fortune very well. He’s slipping into the fast life in a vain attempt to handle the pressure. I don’t see a happy ending to this unless there is an intervention, and quick.
It’s probably the sluggishness from the cough syrup I’ve been drinking, but I just now figured out I can vote in fancy online contests or elections or whatever, um, 1) on my office computer, 2) on my home desktop, and 3) on my laptop.
Which, I’m just sayin’.
By God Sir, that was good. OK, I’ll go vote now…um, since I’m from the Chicago area, can I register a few dead relatives and have them vote too?
I’m thinkin you keep making excuses for the non-appearance of the ‘dillo cause you accidentally backed over him comin out of the garage with the Vista Cruiser back in August. That also explains the nonsensical babble you’ve attributed to the deadbeat neighbor, cause actually, like, it’s all he’s been able to talk about since.
With all of the excuses we hear every week, plus all of the after school specials I’ve seen, I’m starting to think that the armadillo has a drug problem and Jeff has become a co-dependent enabler.
Or is that the other way around?
I probably shouldn’t do this, but just this once I’ll bail you out.
Okay, everyone, here’s the drill. Click on the link below. Close one eye, and squint through the other.
http://tinyurl.com/augnu
Now, minimize your browser. Maximize it. Minimize. Maximize. Minimize. Maximize. Keep doing this, and it will appear that the armadillo is dancing.
Jeff, you’re off the hook this week. Don’t let it happen again.
Jeff, you are the master.
I vote daily – from home and again from work. My co-workers wonder why I suddenly laugh from time to time.
TW: certain. I’m certain my office web-browsing habits will get me into trouble some day.
Jeff,
I’ve been trying the humor thing over at my site, and (without being too maudlin, I hope) I’ve been reading you since the beginning, and I count you as a primary influence.
When I read stuff like this, I think I should just quit. I’ll never be this good.
Stop, you’re making me blush. And really, it’s the armadillo who does most of the work. The little scamp.
My ‘dillo tried that hypnosis thing for his cigarette habit three months ago… still smokes like a chimney but he hasn’t been quite right in the head since. It is strangely a relief to know he is not the only one heading down Life’s slippery slope.