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Scenes from Mayonnaise Landing, Crackerado

spree killer:  “Pardon me.  You wouldn’t happen to know who here is armed and who isn’t, would you?”

me:  “Everyone here is armed.  And no one here is armed.  So far as you know.”

spree killer:  “What’s that, like some sort of Schrodinger’s cat-type mental exercise?”

me:  “Good question. Here’s my answer:  Imagine yourself attempting a spree killing here in Mayonnaise Landing, Crackerado.  Now, imagine yourself in a box.  Are you alive in the box, or are you dead in the box, do you think?”

spree killer:  “I’m going to mosey on over to Boulder, I reckon.”

me:  “That’d probably be best, yes.”

67 Replies to “Scenes from Mayonnaise Landing, Crackerado”

  1. newrouter says:

    “Everyone here is armed. And no one here is armed.

    Marines Had Weapons, But No Ammo During Navy Yard Shooting

  2. 11B40 says:

    Greetings:

    As I learned in my military daze, when the going gets tough, the tough get going, and the smart are already gone.

  3. cranky-d says:

    A rifle without ammunition is a club, and a poor one at that. A handgun without ammo is even worse.

  4. geoffb says:

    When they had bayonets it was at least a spear.

  5. newrouter says:

    “Everyone here is armed. And no one here is armed.

    BBC: Capitol SWAT Team Was Ordered to ‘Stand Down’ Monday Morning

  6. Squid says:

    One must assume that TawnyFawny is ignorant of the fact that the movie theater shooter guy drove past a couple of theaters closer to his house so that he could hit the one with the prominent “NO GUNS” sign in the lobby.

    Of course, by the look of things, she’s been told three or four times, yet still remains ignorant. But she can still look down her nose at us po’ folk in Flyoverland, so she’s got that going for her.

  7. Blake says:

    According to this article students with deer rifles helped keep Charles Whitman pinned down while people worked their way up the Tower in Austin.

  8. newrouter says:

    ot

    mark levin will be on glenn beck radio tomorrow morning via gb @ 5:30

  9. Ernst Schreiber says:

    Now, imagine yourself in a box. Are you alive in the box, or are you dead in the box, do you think.”

    Is it a kill box? Those kinds of details matter, you know.

  10. newrouter says:

    good allan levin’s on fire tonte

  11. bgbear says:

    mayonnaise? cracker? Why do white people hate white people so much?

  12. McGehee says:

    I object! Colorado is salsa country, not mayonnaise country!

    Mayonnaise Landing would be down here in Cow Eater County, Georgia, where it’s considered a beverage as well as two of the four food groups.

  13. Drumwaster says:

    Colorado gets its salsa from New York City. (“New York City?! Get a rope.” )

  14. geoffb says:

    Mayonnaise? I’ll take bread-lettuce-tomato-bacon with that. Oh, fries too.

  15. newrouter says:

    Why do white people hate white people so much?

    well they used to hate black people but found it politically useful to now hate certain white people

  16. Libby says:

    Ohh, Mayonnaise Landing – that hurts! Is that like white bread and fatty foods ’cause you’re a white dude?

    So tired of them dragging race into this. But fine, how about this then: You also don’t see mass shootings – the lone crazy dude randomly killing strangers kind – in the hood either. So….yeah, I guess these guys are just sane enough to select GFZ’s and other places where they know there would be a swift, armed response.

  17. RI Red says:

    If you carry concealed in a GFZ, how will anyone know?

  18. fnhaole says:

    If you’re in the box with the cat, you could smear the cat with mayo, let it out, then when nutski slipped on the mayo, jump out and beat him with the jar. Or should I run that by Janet first?

  19. Pablo says:

    If you carry concealed in a GFZ, how will anyone know?

    When you draw and blast the bogey that hoped to kill everyone.

  20. Mayonnaise Landing? What is it progressives and the need to break eggs? Hey, at least she didn’t say Miracle Whip Landing.

  21. geoffb says:

    Excursion itinerary for the long march through the 2nd.

  22. serr8d says:

    OT, here. This’ll make you feel better.

  23. RichardCranium says:

    Ms. Fawn is not impervious to her own idiocy.

    “Shooters gonna shoot.” Just not when they first *buy* the weapon. Not when they first leave the house. They don’t drive down to the goddamned police station to start shooting there.

  24. RI Red says:

    Right, Pablo. At that point, there will be more than your own self who will be happy you overlooked the GFZ sign. What are they gonna do? Bring a trespass action after the fact?
    Rhetorical question, of course.

  25. Shermlaw says:

    GeoffB, the Brady character is operating on the assumption that the people with 300 plus million firearms are going to stand there with their thumbs up their asses for step one, especially since he’s so kindly mapped out his game plan.

  26. Slartibartfast says:

    She has all the intellectual acumen of Tawny Kitaen. I wonder if she looks as good frolicking on the hood of a Jaguar?

  27. palaeomerus says:

    Kenny Rogers needs to softly sing “20 years ago” every time Tawny Kitaen is mentioned.

    http://www.arrestedcelebrities.com/img/gb/tawny_kitaen_m9qq7d594s.jpg

  28. McGehee says:

    When I saw in TV Guide all those years ago that “America’s Funniest People” had booted Dave Coulier for her and whoever that guy was that co-starred with her, I laughed out loud. “Tawny Kitten? They put a porn actress on that show!?”

    Only later did I learn her last name was… otherwise pronounced.

  29. newrouter says:

    These parallel structures, it may be said, represent the most articulated
    expressions so far of ‘living within the truth’. One of the most
    important tasks the ‘dissident movements’ have set themselves is to
    support and develop them. Once again. it confirms the fact that all
    attempts by society to resist the pressure of the system have their
    essential beginnings in the pre-political area. For what else are
    parallel structures than an area where a different life can be lived, a
    life that is in harmony with its own aims and which in turn structures
    itself in harmony with those aims? What else are those initial
    attempts at social self-organization than the efforts of a certain part
    of society to live – as a society – within the truth, to rid itself of the
    self-sustaining aspects of totalitarianism and, thus, to extricate itself
    radically from its involvement in the post-totalitarian system? What
    else is it but a non-violent attempt by people to negate the system
    within themselves and to establish their lives on a new basis. that of
    their own proper identity?

    page 79 potpless

  30. mondamay says:

    I miss the old days of “facts” and “opinions” and “jokes”.

    Now everything is just a “meme”.

  31. Ernst Schreiber says:

    Or a trope.

  32. mondamay says:

    Isn’t some kind of literature required for a literary device?

    Is there a “Family Guy” novel somewhere that I missed?

  33. McGehee says:

    We just have to give them enough trope to hang themselves.

  34. geoffb says:

    We just have to give them enough trope to hang themselves.

    Angela brought her own tree too to MSNBC.

  35. newrouter says:

    And so a real socialist man necessarily becomes a schizophrenic.
    As a practical politician he fights against the total pervasiveness of
    indifference, bribery, passivity, absenteeism, theft on the job and
    lack of principles, but as an ideologist he oozes enthusiasm over the
    typical aspects of socialist work, socialist commitment, socialist
    unselfishness and socialist integrity. As an ideologist, he is a socialist
    man, but as a practical politician he is given special treatment in the
    government hospital, and he does his shopping in special shops,
    lives in a special residential district and has his children chauffeured
    to school in official limousines.
    As an ideologist he has taken over and almost perfected an
    Orwellian language designed to cloud over the negative reality of
    real socialism and make it positive.

    havel et al

  36. Ernst Schreiber says:

    Isn’t some kind of literature required for a literary device?

    Isn’t the way that meme is used here itself a literary device?

  37. newrouter says:

    And so a real socialist man necessarily becomes a schizophrenic.
    As a practical politician he fights against the total pervasiveness of
    indifference, bribery, passivity, absenteeism, theft on the job and
    lack of principles, but as an ideologist he oozes enthusiasm over the
    typical aspects of socialist work, socialist commitment, socialist
    unselfishness and socialist integrity. As an ideologist, he is a socialist
    man, but as a practical politician he is given special treatment in the
    government hospital, and he does his shopping in special shops,
    lives in a special residential district and has his children chauffeured
    to school in official limousines.

    havel et al

  38. Mike Soja says:

    TygerBlood (?) kind of changed the subject all of a sudden, dint she, and threw in “where everyone is armed” knowing that no one at the Batman flic but whathisname enjoyed the pleasure.

    I’m not saying she reflects poorly on blondes, because “Blonder and faker than other Hot Fake Blond” [sic], but has anyone seen Fawny and Boehlert in the same place at the same time?

  39. Slartibartfast says:

    We just have to give them enough trope to hang themselves.

    *golfclap*

  40. Slartibartfast says:

    If you want to see even more desperate attempts to hijack current events to further an agenda, look here:

    2nd Amendment claims 12 more victims.

    Who needs lynchings any more? The unreconstructed Confederates among us sure don’t.

    Am I equating “responsible gun owners” with lynchers? No. I’m equating them with the spectators at lynchings. If they feel offended by that, tough sh1t.

    Needless to say, I attempted to instruct this…person regarding the myriad errors in the construction of this thought. But it’s an idea that he imagines is going to have some traction, so he’s reluctant to let it go.

    This, by the way, is a problem I see that frequently occurs irrespective of political leanings: someone adopts an argument not because it has a lot of merit, but because it has enough spikes sticking out of it to be useful as a weapon for a while. I’ve probably done it. My reaction to this particular incident was not so much the result of personal insult (After all: do I accept that I am, as a gun owner, in any way like a spectator at a lynching? No. I have little in common with such people, other than the usual reasoning-biped general similarities) as it was defense of reason.

  41. palaeomerus says:

    “If they feel offended by that, tough sh1t.”

    That’s probably what Giron said before the voters sent her ass flying past the screen-door. :)

  42. Slartibartfast says:

    Yeah, my thought was: good luck with that rhetorical device.

  43. Ernst Schreiber says:

    I see that frequently occurs irrespective of political leanings: someone adopts an argument not because it has a lot of merit, but because it has enough spikes sticking out of it to be useful as a weapon for a while. I’ve probably done it. My reaction to this particular incident was not so much the result of personal insult (After all: do I accept that I am, as a gun owner, in any way like a spectator at a lynching? No. I have little in common with such people, other than the usual reasoning-biped general similarities) as it was defense of reason.

    That’s not a rhetorical weapon Slart. In a comments thread full of moralizing preeners and posturers, it’s plumage on a peacock.

  44. Slartibartfast says:

    But it says avg 10 +4dam +5hit on the side.

  45. Patrick Chester says:

    @Slart: Odd, the poster you quote sounds like the sort of person who incites mobs.

  46. Slartibartfast says:

    That realization is not odd at all, if you understand who and what you’re dealing with.

  47. Slartibartfast says:

    Your opponent is someone who wants gun control at any and all costs, and is completely incapable of foreseeing potential flaws with their little plan, such as (just to give one example) the presence of a failed nation swimming in guns to our South.

    Once you understand that, no tactic at all is surprising.

    It makes me want to go buy more guns, and stock up on ammo. Because nothing says totalitarian state like a bunch of people wanting to outlaw guns because their prior attempts at outlawing guns have made it shooting sprees easy and convenient.

  48. McGehee says:

    I had no idea Oblivious Whinge was still extant.

  49. sdferr says:

    Admiral Mike Mullen seems content to depict Benghazi and its contiguous international environment as an American gun free zone. The man has no shame.

  50. Ouroboros says:

    Did they have Mayo in Benghazi, do ya think?

  51. dicentra says:

    FINALLY!

    19 Sep 2013: Talk Like a Pirate Day!

    YARRRRRGGGH!

  52. Ernst Schreiber says:

    cease yer “Yarghing” wench an’ bring us more grog

    arrgh

  53. George Orwell says:

    For a moment I thought this was Stephen Tyler.

    http://www.arrestedcelebrities.com/img/gb/tawny_kitaen_m9qq7d594s.jpg

  54. Ernst Schreiber says:

    aargh… that there be a fine lookin’ lass

    if’n ye likes yer wom’n scurrrrveeee.

  55. mondamay says:

    Ernst Schreiber says September 19, 2013 at 11:32 am

    cease yer “Yarghing” wench an’ bring us more grog

    Shouldn’t that be “Belay that yarghing”?

    Ernst Schreiber says September 18, 2013 at 10:00 pm Isn’t the way that meme is used here itself a literary device?

    I suppose it is, assuming I properly understand the term. I’ve read a bit, but I don’t always “get” the terminology people use to critique and analyze writing.

    I just know that “meme” has become cliche, and is replacing perfectly good nouns like “idea” that are far more descriptive than this contrived and generic term.

    Something else to love Richard Dawkins for I guess….

  56. Ernst Schreiber says:

    Was it Dawkins who popularized that? I always figured it was some sociology schmuck pillaging life sciences terminology so her made up bullshit would be scientific sounding made up bullshit.

    *And by always, I mean since I first thought about it late last night.

    An’ I be a learned buccaneer, havin’ three weeks o’ the parson’s skoolin’ unner me belt afore I gutted ‘im like a fish an’ run away to sea. ye-arggh harhh

  57. sdferr says:

    Was it Dawkins who popularized that?

    The Selfish Gene [Oxford University Press, 1976], Chapter 11, Memes: The new replicators

  58. Ernst Schreiber says:

    Ah. Then it was Dawkins whom the sociology schmuck I’ve posited drew upon when construcing a social analog to a biological process (or explanation of a process, if we’re going to try to be exact).

  59. bgbear says:

    aaar ye land lubber, ye can have me brace of pistols when ye pry them from me cold dead fingers. . . in Davey Jones locker

  60. leigh says:

    I can’t find the Pirate Name Generator. Those are always fun, ye scurvy dawgs.

  61. sdferr says:

    That’s sounds about right Ernst. I only vaguely recall the story, but think the sociologist lady (or whatever social science specialty she called her own) took off from Dawkins, who then subsequently turned to her fleshing out of his passing suggestion for the useful cyclic reinforcement. And round and round it goes down to today, I guess.

  62. McGehee says:

    …from the valley of the jolly… “Yo ho ho!” …Green Pirate!

  63. Blake says:

    Pirate name generator, leigh.

  64. McGehee says:

    Nyarr! I be nobody’s plank monkey!

Comments are closed.