6:12-6:27 – Player introductions. Colorado Rockies relief pitcher Brian Fuentes, to the surprise of just about everyone, receives the biggest ovation. Meanwhile, embattled Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers manages to take the sting out of the boos by trotting onto the field with a big pimp hat and a hooker on each arm. He looks a little drunk, too. But that’s just me speculating.
6:31 – Moment of silence for victims of London bombings, followed by the British National Anthem (Detroit Symphany Orchestra); Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Paine, et al., spin in their graves.
6:33 – Brian McKnight sings the National Anthem; millions of people across the globeâ€â€in unisonâ€â€ask themselves, “uh, who is this guy? And am I uncool for not knowing him?”
6:36 – That “it’s good to go” Taco Bell commercial airs. I curse it for what seems like the millionth time.
6:38 – Joe Buck and Tim McCarver offer pre-game analysis. Both teams can hit, the consensus seems to be. And both teams can pitch. So the difference in the game, if I’m to understand them correctly, will come down to who can score the most runs.
6:43 – Quick click over to O’Reilly during a commercial break finds Bill berating civil rights attorney Michael Gross over the 911 Freedom Museum, something Gross has nothing to do with; Gross, for his part, responds in earnest, as if he in fact does have something to do with it. I despise them both equally.
6:45 – Oops. Missed the first pitch. Stupid O’Reilly. But Bobby Abreu singles to lead off the game, for what it’s worth.
6:46 – As the Orioles’ middle infielders turn a nice double play behind White Sox starter Mark Buehrle, my son wakes from his nap demanding I tend to him immediately. Has probably crapped his diaper, the needy little bastard.
6:53 – That Taco Bell commercial airs again. I curse it for what seems like the million and first time. No score yet.
6:54 – Just realized I forgot to go tend to my son. Damned Taco Bell commercial.
6:59 – Tim McCarver calls Cubs third baseman Aramis Ramirez “another one of those talented foreigners sucking money from the teat of our national pastime.” Joe Buck tries to cover McCarver’s faux pas by adding, “of course, Mike Piazza is American—and that guy’s been known to suck some teat himself. So it’s not just the brown people. For the record.”
7:06 – Joe Buck takes us to commercial by making some noise I’m not familiar with. Still no score heading into the bottom of the second.
7:09 – Atlanta’s John Smoltz pitching. The Orioles’ Miguel Tejada greets him almost immediately with a booming homerun to left center. In Colorado, meanwhile, my son’s diaper greets me with something heavy, loose, and beige. God bless the little ones.
7:14 – Tim McCarver tells the inspirational story of American League second baseman Brian Roberts, who evidently overcame supportive parents, a suburban upbringing, and a college education to fight his way to the majors. And now he’s an All-Star! God bless the little ones.
7:23 – Bartolo Colon pitching for the A.L. Fatly. And with bad hair.
7:24 – As the game moves to the bottom of the third inning, it occurs to me that were Ann Althouse liveblogging this thing, half the world would know about it…
7:24:30 – …Or if the game were being played by competing squads of All-Star nanobots.
7:32 – The Astros’ Roy Oswalt pitching for the N.L. Poorly. But his hair seems okay.
7:35 – Joe Buck notes that the last four homeruns hit in the All-Star game all belong to players from the Dominican. McCarver responds with the rambling story of a kindly Franciscan nun who “used to throw me batting practice after Sunday School while my Mom sold her ass on the street so that we had food on the table.” At least, I think that’s what he said. To be honest, I wasn’t really listening. Anyway, end of the third, 3-0 A.L.
7:44 – McCarver says the nun’s name was “Sister Christian.” I’m skeptical.
7:48 – And yes, that was a Night Ranger reference.
7:49 – The Washington Nationals’ Livan Hernandez gives up two more runs, and the American Leaguers head into the fifth leading 5-0. Somewhere, Fidel Castro smiles and lights up a really really good cigar.
7:57 – Boston’s Matt Clement pitching for the American League. My first thought: Maynard Krebs with a great slider. My second thought: huh?
8:02 – It occurs to me I have to feed my kid. Probably won’t eat anything but cooked carrots, the fastidious little bastard.
8:05 – Clemens in for the N.L. I pull a groin just watching him.
8:19 – Bill INDC IMs with some nonsense about Karl Rove shitting in his bed. I try to explain to him that I’m watching a ball game, but he’s persistent. I finally appease him by saying “indeed. Shit his bed, yes.” But by then I’m watching some Burger King commercial.
8:24 – Gerber calls them “turkey sticks,” but I ain’t buying it. I know a Vienna Sausage when I see one.
8:28 – Dontrelle Willis takes the mound for the N.L. and is promtly clubbed like a baby seal—a leadoff single followed by a long opposite field homerun by the Rangers’ Mark Texiera. Tim McCarver ignores the action and instead delights what’s left of the over-80 crowd by referencing a Gershwin tune. Then he farts rather loudly and falls asleep.
8:32 – Did I mention it’s 7-0 American League?
8:38 – Seventh inning. Kenny Rogers pitching for the American League is greeted by a smattering of boos from Detroit fans and a towering two-run homerun by the Braves’ Andrew Jones. After another single, the Detroit fans grow restless. And thousands of Detroit shopowners rush out to board up their storefronts.
8:44 – Seventh inning stretch. A nice rendition of “God Bless America” followed by a shameless plug for the heretical remake of The Bad News Bears. I am not won over by such baldly manipulative patriotic juxtapostion. Screw you, Billy Bob. Not in my name.
8:52 – The Astros’ Brad Lidge makes quick work of three consecutive hitters, striking out the side on a dozen or so pitches. Nasty, nasty slider. To the 8th we go, the American League leading 7-2.
8:58 – Tim McCarver introduces Twins’ closer Joe Nathan as “Shecky Dungarees,” then shouts something about catching a Bob Gibson World Series gem before falling back asleep. Joe Buck uses the opening to remind viewers that Bob Gibson “was also a pitcher.”
9:01 – “Damnit! If I wanted the dog to have the fucking turkey sticks I’d give them to her myself! And stop taking off your pants!”
9:04 – TOM MAGUIRE HAS LOTS OF GOOD STUFF on the bottom of the eighth. Just keep scrolling.
9:13 – Joe Buck makes mention of Ivan Rodriguez’s “bling bling,” and Tim McCarver, refreshed after his short nap, responds by offering up a few lyrics from Aretha Franklin’s “Chain of Fools.” No one knows why.
9:19 – Top of the ninth. Last chance for the N.L. Cleveland’s Bob Wickman walks Andrew Jones to start the ninth and is pulled in favor of Baltimore’s B.J. Ryan. Feeling that he’s pulled off the “bling bling” remark, Buck tries it again. Millions cringe.
9:26 – Mariano Rivera in to try to get the final out for the A.L…
9:27 – …And he does, striking out Morgan Ensberg on four pitches to preserve a 7-5 American League victory—their 8th consecutive All-Star win (one tie). (W) – Mark Buerhle (L) John Smoltz. Miguel Tejada named MVP. With the win, the Junior Circuit retains home field advantage for the Fall Classic. Or, as Tim McCarver eloquently sums it all up, “That Sandy Koufax was one hard throwing Jew, I can tell you that much, boy! Now, who’s gonna buy Timmy a sausage?”
G’night!
You have already choked me up with the thought that I am part of the community of mankind known as the world-wide “glob.”
It could be a looong game…
Jeff, please type a lot harder. I’m in the mountains and you’re breaking up. . . thanks.
That “it’s good to go†Taco Bell commercial airs. I curse it for what seems like the millionth time”
I’m proud to say that I have no idea what this ad is about, and moreover I don’t want to know what this ad is about.
I’m sure my life is the better for it.
Jeff will probably want to swat me for this one, but I actually like the Taco Bell commercial. Yes, it has been played to death as inevitably all those commercials are.
Why do I like it? I dunno—guess I’ve hung around too many computer geeks in my day and I think the “good to go” guy is a pretty good facsimile of them.
That smug little bastard in the Taco Bell commercial may be saying “it’s good to go,” but what I hear is “please, kick me in the balls as hard as you possibly can.”
Actually, I’m wondering if the Taco Bell guy is a grown up version of that Encyclopedia Brittanica kid from back in the day.
Why won’t Buck’n McCarver just STFU?
It’s not radio.
Joe Buck makes some… what you’re not familiar with?
Damn! Forgot the game started at 5 here. You’re a frickin’ madman for live-blogging it.
Which is nice.
Buck and McCarver didn’t even mention Garret Anderson (a handsome black man) when he was at bat in the last inning.
Bastids.
Um, whose groin did you pull, exactly?
Did you miss Buck referring to Derrek Lee as “Carlos” while listing the NL batting order in the top of the first? “Carlos Lee is having a heck of a year”. Yep, and so is Derrek, you putz.
Heh. I had to re-read that 6:43 entry. I thought for a second that O’Reilly was yelling at the dad from “Family Ties” about the Freedom Museum.
Karl shit in Bill’s bed? Eeeeewwwww.
You and Bill just disagree on what our National Pastime is- you feel it’s baseball, and Bill is following the “it’s bash Karl Rove” crowd.
BOOM!
Almost forgot about those Gerber “Turkey” sticks.
Ah, the memories!
I think my kids liked them too.
BOOM!
Looking at the time stamps…
You can tend to your son in five minutes? Took me that long just to find, gather, and spread all the diaper changing gear.
…catching a Bob Gibson no-hitter…
If it was in Pittsburgh, I was there. Amazing that by the 8th inning, the crowd was rooting for Gibson.
Did you know that ABC is remaking The Night Stalker?
Another dopey movie or TV remake I won’t be watching….
That’s “My Country, ‘Tis of Thee”—no reason for any Americans to take offense.
Did you refer to your own son as a bastard?
I’m confused.
Again.
And isn’t the British national anthem “God Save the Queen?”
Confused.
Also, is it heretical of me to actually like Joe Buck, not really understand the Tim McCarver hatred, yet hate Joe Morgan with the fire of a thousand suns?
If I’m listening to baseball on radio I expect constant talk. TV is pictures, be quiet and let me enjoy them. Morgan makes me nervous,too.
Well done, Jefe! A true multi-media experience.
My Country Tis Of Thee and God Save The Queen share the same tune, ICYDK.
Did not know that.
See? Confused.
Joe Morgan thinks he’s the greatest 2nd baseman ever. It’s OK to hate on him.
“Brian McKnight sings National Anthem; millions of people across the globeâ€â€in unisonâ€â€ask themselves, “uh, who is this guy? And I’m I, like, uncool for not knowing him?—
In a word, yes.
Actually, Morgan thinks he’s at least the 2nd greatest 2nd baseman ever. According to Jon Miller he’s so disagrees with Sabermetrics that he won’t even accept it as evidence that he’s the best. Recent Hit and Run entry on that.
Well, I guess he thinks he’s 2nd best. He at least thinks Roger Hornsby was better.
Scott P-
You are correct, it was the only no-hitter of Gibson’s career. It was in Pittsburgh, and Gibson struck out Stargell to finish it. My dad and I were at my uncle’s house here in St. Louis, listening on the radio. One of the highlights of my youth.
For the record, Jeff, McCarver was long gone from the Cardinals by then. Gibson’s no-hitter was almost certainly caught by Ted Simmons.
Joe Morgan doesn’t bug me that much. And Hell, he’s one of only 17 second basemen ever to reach the HOF, so he was pretty damn good.
Matt30 —
Well, maybe Tim was a bit out of it when he popped off like that, eh?
I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and “edit” his statement so that he talks about catching a Gibson World Series gem.
Ted Simmons—completely underrated. Great run producer.
I know events like this are used to pimp all sorts of sponsorships, but this is ridiculous.
At one point, “somebody” draped a homemade-looking banner over a Chevy ad at the park, and McCarver and Buck played along, claiming to wonder what the URL on the banner (HHRYA.com) stood for. I think McCarver claimed something like he thought it was an abbreviation for “hooray.”
I tried to check out the website after the banner dropped, and there was nothing there. Their server probably crashed.
Well, whaddya know? Now that the game’s over, we find out that the website promotes a new Chevy SUV.
I don’t care if people drive SUVs, hearses, or limos. But sportscasters have become total whores these days.
Would it have HURT to mention that it was in Detroit?
Ok, I guess it might have.
Matt-
It had to be around 1970 or ‘71 because it was at Three Rivers and not Forbes Field, wasn’t it? And it was amazing how the ‘Burgh fans were actually rooting against the Bucs, because as I recall it was near the end of Bob’s career. What a dominating pitcher.
7:06 – Joe Buck takes us to commercial by making some noise I’m not familiar with. Still no score heading into the bottom of the second
Was that weird, or what?
Jeff, Carin has pics of herself in her pom-pom outfit, and is refusing to post them, with some lame-ass argument about being afraid she’ll get photoshopped. Any chance of a short Goldsteinian essay on the philosophical underpinnings of Kant’s Pom-Pom Theory?
Spamword, “real.” Heh.
Positive people never say Kant.
Jeff, McCarver probably does think he caught that game, shame on me for correcting the old coot.
Scott P, you are correct again, it was 1971. Gibson had another season or two of dominance before his career ended. Despite the no-hitter though, 1971 was something of a struggle for him. I do remember the Bucs’ fans cheering for him, a very sporting thing for them to do.
I think I speak for most of us when I say that I applaud your selfless efforts in pursuing the trail of those responsible for Natalee’s disappearance.
The bastards that got her must have been real sons of bitches, that they still elude your sleuthery.
I’m still reeling from Tim McCarver’s horrifically, historically bad dye job. I think he mugged Carrot Top for that color.
Tim, if you’re reading, you aren’t fooling anyone.
And thousands of Detroit shopowners rush out to board up their storefronts.
What shops? I’ve lived here all my life, and there haven’t been any shops here since 1968. Right after that riot thing.
TV (Harry)