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“I don’t know, Billy. I think you’re taking an awful big chance coming out of retirement like this. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s not you—you’re still the man. It’s the medium, brother. Film. Today’s anti-authoritarian social texts, such as they are, take the form of video games and graphic novels. Movies these days are all about packaging and commodification. The only artistic thing about them is the marketing.”* | |
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“Well, maybe so. But if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right? Tell me, what do you think about a ‘Billy Jack Fights the Establishment’ Kung-fu action figure? Is that the kind of thing the kids today go for? Or do you think I’m leaving myself open to jokes about falling down and breaking a hip…?” |
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protein wisdom interactive: Leave your title suggestions for the new Billy Jack flick in the comments. Mine is Billy Jack Goes To Washington To Protest, Tries to Pick Up An Anti-War Chick, and Gets Kicked in the ‘Nads by Her Angry Anarchist Boyfriend Who Calls Him a ‘Dirty Old Bag of Hippie Dust’ Who ‘Needs to Lose That Stupid Hat If You Want Anybody To Take Your Old Ass Seriously’, but that might prove a bit too unwieldy to fit on the poster art.
“Well, that’s not really a kung fu grip per se. More like rheumatoid arthritis. But it gets the job done…”
Christ on a crutch, he’s back. And he’s even married to Annoying Teacher Chick. Who knew?
Title suggestions:
“The Return of Billy Jack: Fight the MAN!”
or maybe
“Billy Jack IV: Bury My Hip At Broken Record”
SB: police
hrmmm…
I’m partial to “Billy Jack Goes To Washington To Protest, Tries to Pick Up An Anti-War Chick, and Gets Kicked in the ‘Nads by Her Angry Anarchist Boyfriend Who Calls Him a ‘Dirty Old Bag of Hippie Dust’ Who ‘Needs to Lose That Stupid Hat If You Want Anybody To Take Your Old Ass Seriously’”
At Laughlin’s website you can get your hands on a copy of
“The Trial Prescription of Billy Jack”; also some official anti-neo-fascist black socks to wear with your birkenstock sandals.
Hippie dust
Heh.
Billy Jack IV: Electric Boogaloo
One Tin Soldier Walks Away…to the Nursing Home
The Re-Embiggenating of Billy Jack
Billy Jack: Cashing In
Look for Green Day to do the cover of One Tin Soldier…
SW: bill. On fire again, Turing Plug-in.
Billy Jack’s Hat vs. Oddjob’s Killer Hat from Goldfinger
Billy Jack, Redux, or Fighting the Man In a Posh Los Angeles Suburb While Running a Sweet Viagra Scam
Subtitled: Adventures of a Wooden Indian
Ooooh, yummy. Billy Jack fights The Man (minus the People) We should get Mystery Science Theater to have a reunion and fisk this thing before it gets made.
I mean no disrespect, but this kind of financial misadventure when someone hits seventy usually prompts a visit to the Neurologist, a CT of the brain, and an <a href=http://www.aricept.com/”>Aricept</a> prescription.
Billy Jack IV: My Fake Indian Can Whip Your Fake Indian’s Ass
“Asshat – The Return of the Born Loser”
If they re-release the Plimsouls version of the Billy Jack theme, it will all be worth it.
Billy Jack IV: The Legend of Billy Jack’s Gold
Billy Jack: Gitmo Guard. Watch as Billy Jack returns to the screen to give recalcitrant Minutemen timeouts, wedgies and noogies.
Ah, the Plimsouls! “A Million Miles Away (from the idealistic pseudo-mythic American Indian claptrap that made me a star in the late ‘60s and 70s)”
Billy Jack: Yesterday Never Dies
Bill Jack in Reports of My Relevance Have Been Greatly Exaggerated
Billy Jack Fights for the Traditional Way of Life by Opposing Casino Development and Gets a Tomahawk in the Head for His Trouble
Billy Jack Meets Buford Pusser and They Beat the Crap Out of Each Other
Holy hyperbole, Batman…has anyone besides SarahW actually gone to Laughlin’s site and read the fulminating tirades there? Jesus, this guy’s unhinged – a classic case of Bush Derangement Syndrome if ever there was one.
Karl Rove needs to get this guy on prime time, pronto. He makes Mikey Moore look like William F. Buckley.
Billy Jack—Offs Ward Churchill
Billy Jack – Straight to Tape
Fight the Man for $9.99 only at billyjack.com!
BJ’s 5 Step Program to end Chimpy McHitlerburton’s smirky rodeo ride through history!
Actually, I really liked yours.
Billy Jack vs. That Guy That’s Worse Than Hitler
Billy Jack and the Antiwar Poetry Reading
Billy Jack Goes To Mexico To Get Bitten By A Snake To Have A ‘Vision’ And Also Get Some Cheap Prescription Drugs Because THE MAN Doesn’t Like Nationalized Health Care That Every Other Civilized Country In The World Has
Billy Jack and the underaged Texas Cheerleaders
Plot summary:
Tired of being humilated by the Protest Warriors, leftist moonbats hire Billy Jack and his illegimate son, Ward Churchhill to act as security for their next demostration. Sadly, Billy’s bad knees give out and Ward forgets his lithium and they get their asses kicked by a group of 14 year old cheerleaders from Texas>
Hey, he has a blog too.
http://www.tomlaughlin.blogspot.com/
Seems to have lost interest back in April… after two posts. When you’re fighting against the man, or high gas prices, it’s nice to see a little dedication.
Billy Jack: A Fistful of Fingers
If you go to his website, he says that the name of the film will be “Billy Jack’s Crusade to End the War and Restore America to its Moral Purpose”
That’s actually funnier than anything anyone has come up with so far. Will it be a success? I’m predicting it’ll go straight to landfill.
Billy Jack IV: Revenge of the Tenure Committee
Since all those other 70s movies did so well, and Hollywood revenues are at their best in 20 years, this makes perfect sense.
‘Billy Jack’s Crusade to End the War and Restore America to its Moral Purpose’
– or –
“Once Upon a Time in MoonBattia”
I will see his movie, but only if it has a 5-minute speech at the end about the perils of drilling for oil in Alaska. And if he kills Michael Caine in the process.
Ha!
The ad campaign just HAS to start off with:
“You thought you knew jack… but you’ve never known jack, you don’t know jack, and you’re not gonna know jack, til you know …. (drumroll) Billy Jack, in Jackin’ it up one more time!”
“Billy Jack: Twenty Eight Years Later”
The Plot: The movie starts with Billy Jack waking up from a coma where he’s been for 28 years. No sign of life at the hospital, but a care package of granola bars and a 100% hemp suit is left at his door.
Billy Jack begins to wander around for the duration of the day until night falls and a television screen begins to show a Fox News report. Then a bunch of rabid right wing zombies attack him. Billy Jack fights them off at first, but is soon overwhelmed and has to be rescued by 2 resistance fighters, named Naomi and Hitch. Shortly thereafter, Hitch is himself bitten by a right wing zombie and is quickly dispatched by Billy Jack.
Billy and Naomi soon hear a radio broadcast telling all survivors of the infection to head to a commune in Vermont. But things are not as they originally appeared…
“Billy Jack’s Crusade to End the War and Restore America to its Moral Purposeâ€Â
Ummm…. shouldn’t that be “Billy Jack’s Jihad to End the War and Restore America etc.”?
Crusade is such a rascist term.
Billy Jack Reacts.
3ree already touched on this, but here we go: Billy Jack Gets Tenure
Old Jack City
Jugs 3D
…and now back to our Tea-Time Movie…
Billy Jack, Robert Stack, Roberta Flack, Mack David and Rex the Wonder Snail Darter in…
Ward Churchill Pops A Quaalude
Billy Jack IV: The search for Dr. Scholls
Billy Jack Reloaded: We Ain’t Talkin’ About Guns Here, People.
How about this:
Billy Jack: Damn, I Thought He Was Dead
Touched by Billy Jack
From Billy Jack’s website:
They forgot to mention unintentional hilarity.
Billy Jack: Guantanamo Geronimo
Billy Jack: YEEEAAARRRGGGHHH!!!
Billy Jack: The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, and now Sith
Billy Jack: Zeeble bop fickle fackle bush Bush BUSH!!!
Billy Jack: I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up
Billy Jack and the Prisoner of Abu Ghraib
Billy Jack and the Goblet of Cholesterol Lowering Drugs
Billy Jack: It All Depends
Hmmm.
Most of the stuff here is going to be a lot more entertaining that the BJ movie itself.
That’s sad.
Billy Jack: Ten Little Eichmanns
Billy Jack: Older, Louder, and Uncut
How about:
Billy Jack’s Crusade to End America and Restore the War to its Moral Purpose
Billy Jack IV: Red Skin, Grey Hair, Orange Levitra Capsules
Billy Jack 9/11
BJ Blows Washington (Why should Clinton have all the fun)!
Billy Jack: Not Without My Metamucil
Billy Jack: Showdown At Red Lobster
Billy Jack: Aluminum Walkers of Fury
The Born Bingo Losers
Billy Jack: Dinner at 4:30
Billy Jack: Slouching Tiger Hidden Poltroon
Billy Jack Episode IV: Some New Dope
Alzheimers On the Western Front
Bring Me the Head of Alberto Gonzales
The Little Injun that Couldn’t
Billy Jack: The Mild Bunch
Billy Jack: Silverhairdo
Billy Jack: Urbane Cowboy
Billy Jack: High Plains Grifter
Billy Jack: For a Few Dollars More
Billy Jack: Once Upon a Time in the Left
Turing word: direct
Acting!
Geezer Jack.
Desperately Seeking Sioux Zen
Billy Jack Emigrates to Canada: The Born Hosers
Kung Fool
Sense and Senility
How about “Splendor in the Ass” or “Backdoor Lovin”? Those would be…..hey wait, this isn’t the Washingtonienne thread…..who?……Billy Jack? Dude, is he still in the league? I’ve got nothing that would be funnier than whatever will come out of his diseased mind.
Ishtar
Billy Jack in “Dude, where’s my Hat?”
or
“The Rump Ranger” with a special appearance by Ward Churchill as “Rauncho” (with apologies to Tim and Mark on KDKB in Phoenix)
or
“Passion of the Has-Been”
or
“One Tin Walker”
or
“Let’s party like it’s 1969”
or
“Dr. Black Hat or how I learned to love protesting for things just to get laid”
Next to Jeff’s most excellent initial title suggestion, Fake-Fake BKWillis titles are killing me. Who are you, Obe Wan BKWillis?
Congratulations on the Instalanche, Jeff!
Turing = power, as in Hey, that was my T-word last time, too.
Billy Jack: “The right-wing fascists of the BushCo junta are a superstitious, cowardly lot, so I will become a creature of darkness…an Indian in a silly-looking hat!”
And thus, Hatman Begins.
Me First and the Gimme Gimmes does an excellent cover of ‘One Tin Soldier’
http://www.gimmegimmes.com/
Always brings me back to seeing Billy Jack in my parents Buick Stationwagon at the drive in.
Billy Jack: Cut and Uncut, the Foreskin Papers…
Soon after his last film, Billy Jack converted to Judaism and was circumcised. What can we say? It was just iconoclastic chutzpah.
Since then, he has discovered the evil tryst between the AmerNeoCons and Zionists to steal the world’s oil and reap all the opium profits.
So he goes to Washington to have his foreskin re-attached. Comes to find out it has been appropriated by one JG Armadillo, secret agent, and provocateur, who recently had a horrible experience with his own petit man-hood, some rubber cement, and a beer bottle.
So ensues one of the most remarkable films of all time … intrigue, bullets, kung-fu fighting, and the most intense foreskin scenes you have ever seen.
[Sorry Jeff, I saw your post and pulled out my old VHS copy of Billy Jack – there was a little sliver of dried peyote in the jacket – I thought, what harm could come of cooking this up? Well, there you have it …]
I swear the spam buster is: “chief”
One Tin-Foil Hat
The Good, The Bad and the Totally Forgotten.
Billy Jack: The Viagra Monologues
Billy Jack IV: Maybe This One Will Actually Get Released
(Explanation here: http://www.badmovieplanet.com/unknownmovies/reviews/rev256.html )
Billy Jack: Unhinged
Billy Jack’s Smirky Buffalo Jump From Sanity
Billy Jack IV: The Tatanka of My Granola Bowl
Billy Jack in Jesus, I really didn’t break the UK market. Most British readers have no fucking clue who I am. Still, you gotta love this hat.
The Coot in the Hat
Billy Jack Goes to Washingtonienne (subtitle: The Ass Menagerie)
The Unbearable Lightness of Being Irrelevant
The Hip-Replacement Killers
Snort.
Promoting pacifism by whooping up on everyone
War is evil, because violence solves nothing. Agree with me or I’ll kick you in the face