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If instead of a Winter Soldier and failed Presidential candidate married to a “refreshingly candid” billionaire socialist, Senator John Kerry were a Little Debbie Zebra Cake

Kerry:  “…and the simple truth is, the Hostess Fruit Pie lied to us.  Which is why on Monday, I plan to begin presenting the case for his removal as titular head of the land of delicious snack cakes.*

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update:  “BECAUSE NO INDIVIDUAL FRUIT-FILLED PASTRY IS ABOVE THE LAW!”

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More here, here, here, and here.

26 Replies to “If instead of a Winter Soldier and failed Presidential candidate married to a “refreshingly candid” billionaire socialist, Senator John Kerry were a Little Debbie Zebra Cake”

  1. Heh.  You wrote “titular”. 

    Heh heh.

  2. Scott P says:

    Eew.  You linked to Al-Jazeera!

    It’s going to take a case of Twinkies to get the taste out of my mouth.  Bleech.

    Which is part of my Sunday morning routine anyway, but it seemed topical…

  3. Jeff Goldstein says:

    Aljazeera.com is different from Aljazeera.net, which I didn’t link to.

  4. Scott P says:

    Mmmmpphhhruummmpphhh… [gulp]

    Oh, okay then.

  5. Diana says:

    The only question that comes to mind:  “Is Kerry really that stupid?”

  6. Scott P says:

    I don’t know Diana.  I would phase mine “Why is Kerry really that stupid?”

    But I guess it’s still the same basic question, so your point is valid.

  7. CraigC says:

    I don’t know what will happen with this, but I am enjoying reading “Failed presidential candidate John Kerry” everywhere.

  8. Margi says:

    Geezsh.  Whatta sore loser.  And that’s the nicest thing I could say in mixed company.

    Captcha word:  “help” as in:  “The man needs professional help.”

  9. Alpha Baboon says:

    Jeff.. Youve slipped out of the modernist world and into the land of Dada… Just an observation.

    Kerry: “…I plan to begin my presentation of the case for his removal as titular head of the land of delic [chomp]…”

    Oliver Willis: “mmmph…mmmph.. sorry dude.. but you were the only one left…mmmph..mmph.. I already ate the other eleven..mmmmph…mmmmph..ahhhh”

  10. alex says:

    . . .you know, given that the Republican attempt to impeach Clinton put the Republican party, in the immortal words of Steyn, ‘somewhere between the Ebola virus and Robert Mugabe’ in the polls. . .and the generally good news for democracy coming from the wider Middle East had even Sullivan apologizing for his nay-saying, so this is hardly ‘striking while the iron is hot’ as far as Iraq is concerned. . .and given that foreign policy is simply the strongest thing Bush has going for him. . .

    Frankly, I hope the Democrats filibuster some of the judges and shut down the government–their transformation into the Clinton era Republicans would be complete. And the country couldn’t see the back of a more deserving party.

  11. In that much-bruited memo, Bush and Rumsfield are reported to be worrying about Saddam counter-attacking with WMD, if our military got close to winning.  Doesn’t sound like they knew there was no WMD program to me.

    Turing = walked, as in Clinton talked the talk, but Bush walked the walk.

  12. kelly says:

    I’m with you, Craig. “Failed presidential candidate John Kerry” has a nice ring to it.

    Any poets out there that can identify the meter?

  13. Mad Oilman says:

    Little Debbie Zebra Cakes and John Kerry should never be mentioned in the same sentence. Bastard.

  14. Sean M. says:

    Then you’d better make sure you’re never in the same room as Oliver Willis, Oilman.

  15. gail says:

    Kelly, it’s iambic pentameter with a trochaic substitution in the first foot and an extra unstressed beat at the end, giving it a “feminine” cadence.

  16. Doug F says:

    I never cease being amazed at how politically tone-deaf the Democrats have become.  Instead of trying to capitalize on Republicans’ mistakes, they are determined to try and top them with their own spectacularly bad decisions.

    Un-fuckin’-believable.

  17. Alpha Baboon says:

    So Kerry’s going to call for Bush’s impeachment, huh? Has someone advised this clown that the presidency isnt like the Miss America Title ? I mean, he DOES know that if the winner somehow loses his title, the second runner up does NOT step in and take over, right ?

  18. CraigC says:

    Please tell me that was gobbledegook, Gail.

  19. CraigC says:

    Last comment, AB?  Strong.

  20. Yogimus says:

    Let’s forget the whole sack of bullshit thing, and assume it is true: At least the impeachment proceedings will tie congress up for a while so they can’t screw too much up.

  21. marcus says:

    Speaking of Oliver Willis, he has dropped out of the Ecosystem Top 100 in both links and traffic…

    He has gone from being a Playful Primate to being a Large Mammal…

    of course, he’s always been a large mammal, but that’s another story…

  22. Jeff Goldstein says:

    Well, I accomplished that feat a while back, too.  But that’s just because nobody recognizes my genius.

    Yup.  Gotta be that.

    Well, that, and for some reason the Ecosystem thinks my blog name is celluloid-wisdom, and I don’t know how to change it so that it adds all the links going to proteinwisdom.com.  But really, who gives a fuck?

  23. kelly says:

    Thanks, Gail. I was leaning toward iambic pentameter myself. I was also guessing it might be you who could enlighten me.

  24. kelly says:

    Apologies as well for my ghastly grammar.

    Any poets out there who can indentify the meter.

    Post in haste, die of shame.

  25. Paul says:

    If Kerry was as charismatic and as delicious as little Debbie snack cakes, I don’t think the Republican Party would stand a chance of being elected in the next century. 

    Why pay 1.19 for five donettes, when Debbie can give you ten donettes for a dollar?

  26. kelly says:

    Um, I was told there would be no math questions.

Comments are closed.