When the man opened his freezer with vague hopes of finding a stray Dove Bar, he was surprised to find the severed head of Jimmy Carter staring back at him, its peppery eyebrows flecked with frost, eyes wide and empathic, full pink lips glazed and heavy with ice.
“Jesus,” the man said, taking a step back. “What are you doing in my freezer, Jimmy Carter’s severed head?”
But the ex-President’s frozen dome was in no condition to respond, naturally—dislodged as it was from the rest of his body and as a consequence, very much dead. The man stared into Carter’s face—took in the unctuous liberal’s easy rural grin—before nudging the head with a forearm while instinctively reaching for a frozen Dole fruit bar he spied in the back of the ice box. For it’s part, the head reacted to the glancing blow by tipping onto its side, left ear down, and rolling slightly forward until the bottom lip grabbed the ice box floor, freezing in place.
The man unwrapped his frozen Dole fruit bar—strawberry, a welcome find—and cocked his head slightly to regard the ex-President’s new logistical aspect. “Jesus,” he said, before closing the freezer. “Now there‘s something you don’t see everyday.”
And with that, the man turned and walked back into his living room, where he sank into his couch to watch re-runs of “Everybody Loves Raymond”—deciding, for the moment at least, to ignore whatever significance there might be to finding a Nobel Prize winner’s severed head in one’s freezer. Because really. Life is too short to puzzle over shit like this.
Isn’t it?
You are one sick puppy today.
It’s times like this, that I wish I still smoked dope. Oh Well…………
… like .. um .. planting Cabbage Patch dolls in the garden. A little fertilizer and they will bloom.
Carter is a better ex-president than he was a president.
This suggests he’ll only improve with his next major life event.
I dunno about that McGehee, he’s been a pretty fuckin’ atrocious–and in many ways destructive–ex-president.
But, like, I get your joke and all, as you’re suggesting that he’ll do the world a favor when he finally gets around to arranging for his head to be placed in someone’s fridge. And that’s pretty funny.
Normally, I hate to have to “clarify” that I get a joke, but I wouldn’t want you to think I was pulling a Hawkins.
Is THIS satire?
Man, I love stories with happy endings like this.
Were there peanuts in the fridge anywhere near his head? Now that would be ironical. Or, would it be symbolic? humn …
fuck andy card
This could be the start of the next ‘American Psycho’.. a Jeffrey Dahmer that prays on old gay men that look like ex-presidents.. and keeps their heads in the refrigerator.
I dunno about that McGehee, he’s been a pretty fuckin’ atrocious—and in many ways destructive—ex-president.
Just goes to show how horrible he was as president.
Jeff, I love you man- but I’d rather hear more on Bill/ Michelle/ Hawkins than contemplate Jimmy Carter’s frozen head in a freezer.
Ewwwww.
I’m sorry, but this happening to me would freak me out. Because, if today I saw Jimmy Carter’s head in the fridge, who might be there tomorrow? Gary Hart? Mikhail Gorbachev? Hubert Humphrey?
After a few days of that, I don’t think I could cope, even with Dole fruit bars.
Spam word: Mondale. See! It’s already too much!!! Make it STOP!!!!!
I agree, the Dove bar is more important than anything Jimmy Carter is doing.
Did anyone else notice that Carter’s tongue was still moist enough to freeze to the floor? This would mean that the head wasn’t in the freezer that long, which would suggest one of two things:
1) A Jeckell/Hyde type scenario, where our protagonist somehow procured Carter’s noggin. A sudden shift in personality (ie, craving for a frozen treat), and the the shocking discovery!
Except, it wasn’t so shocking, which means that this type of thing may happen pretty frequently . . .
2) The killer is in the house! Halloween all over again!
Dude;
Thinking of moving to Wisconsin? Folks are into “icing” their loved ones ‘round here.
I dunno about that McGehee, he’s been a pretty fuckin’ atrociousâ€â€and in many ways destructiveâ€â€ex-president.
But how would he fair as a malaise-flavored popsicle?
fare, I mean.
“Did anyone else notice that Carter’s tongue was still moist enough to freeze to the floor? This would mean that the head wasn’t in the freezer that long […]”
…Or that the freezer door being open affected a slight melting of the outer layer of ice, which then interacted with the frost on the shelf…
…Or that the freezer door being open affected a slight melting of the outer layer of ice, which then interacted with the frost on the shelf…
yeah, right, unless that’s one crappy freezer in which case i don’t think jimmuhs noggin is gonna last very long.
not to mention the soon to be dole slushy.
That’s precisely why Dole was pimping Viagra – to not be slushy.
Well, I’d just wager that that particular sentence has never ever been uttered before.
That sudden fiction is some creepy (well written) shit.
That’s the creepiest.
Well yeah, that’s the creepiest–how could his lip freeze to the ice box floor if HIS DOME WAS ALREADY FROZEN??? ITS FULL, PINK LIPS GLAZED AND HEAVY WITH ICE???
Scary!
That’s what I’m saying, jsmith! Jimmy’s noggin wasn’t in that freezer long enough for saliva to crystalize. If Jeff argues otherwise, he just doesn’t understand physics. He’s got the creepiest opening to a novella there.
But the door was open! All it takes is a few seconds for the ice to begin to melt!
Or maybe it just snagged on a loose frozen pea, embedded in ice on the freezer shelf like some strange green ball bearing.
Shit. And to think, I just found Ted Kennedy’s head in my freezer last night, and assumed it was a pork roast with nasty freezer burn, and tossed it out.
Good to see you back in the groove, Jeff.
Realistically, the whole “gag” as you call it hinges on the specific type of freezer involved. Upright or Chest? The phyics of “ice melting because the door is open” favors the upright freezer, with warmer air rising from the floor to displace the colder newly-liberated subzero air when the door is opened. But, whatever. It’s your joke and all.
What a coincidence MPH, I found Ted Kennedy’s head in my freezer last Christmas, but it appeared to be a standing rib roast large enough to feed 10 to 15.. so I cooked it and served it at our holiday dinner party.. It wasnt bad if you piled on lots of horseradish.. but his eyes were disconcerting as they rolled around in a drunken manner and his breath smelled of bourbon.
I once found the mummified head of Millard Fillmore once, on my cat’s cushion. Since it was only Millard Fillmore’s head I threw it out.
A drunken severed head is running for President right now! Read about it here:
http://drunkenseveredhead.blogspot.com/
Includes a link to a TV news item about it!