[Enter the Ghost, and Bill O’Reilly following]

O’Reilly: I’m not one of those pinheads who believes in ghosts, but go on.  I’ll give you the last word.

Ghost: Mark me —

O’Reilly:—But no spinning.  Or I’ll have to cut you off.  For the folks.  Go.

Ghost: My hour is almost come

When I to sulph’rous and tormenting flames

Must render up myself —

O’Reilly:—Yeah, it’s called a hard break.  By the way, did I mention that I used to be a teacher?  Because I was.  So I understand about sulph’rous and tormenting flames.  But go.  I’ll give you the last word.

Ghost: Pity me not, but lend thy serious hearing

To what I shall unfold —

O’Reilly:—C’mon!  You’re not being straight with the folks, Ghost!  And the folks want answers.  Why come back from the dead?  To militarize the borders?  Are you gonna stop pinheads like Ludakris from poisoning our kids?  What?

Ghost: So art thou to revenge when thou shalt hear —

O’Reilly: —Right.  Ask France about the power of the Factor.  Ask Florida.  Ask Sami Al-Arian.  I’ll give you the last word. Go.

Ghost: I am thy father’s spirit,

Doomed for a certain term to walk the night,

And for the day confined to fast in fires

Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature

Are burnt and purged away. But that I am forbid

To tell the secrets of my prison-house

I could a tale unfold whose lightest word

Would harrow up thy soul, freeze thy young blood,

Make thy two eyes like stars start from their spheres,

Thy knotty and combined locks to part,

And each particular hair to stand on end

Like quills upon the fretful porcupine.

But this eternal blazon must not be

To ears of flesh and blood. List, O’Reilly, list, O list!

If thou didst ever thy dear father love —

O’Reilly:—My father was a blue collar guy, a regular ordinary working stiff from Levittown.  And in my neighborhood, life on the streets was tougher than any foul spirit walking the earth, I can tell you that much.  You had to learn to fight to survive in Levittown. 

But at the end of the day, we were a close-knit community—a regular blue-collar, working-stiff community of folks who would fuck some wandering ghost like a spectral blow-up doll should he try to haunt our neighborhood. Not like today, where nobody’s looking out for the kids.  Except for me and the folks.  But I’ll give you the last word, go.

Ghost: Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder.

O’Reilly: Murder? C’mon –!

Ghost:—Murder most foul, as in the best it is,

But this most foul, strange, and unnatural —

O’Reilly:—No, stress killed my father. The stress felt by a working stiff.  My father was just a regular guy trying to take care of his family in a regular-guykinda way.  And that’s a fact, Ghost!  His death was no more unnatural than the death of millions of other regular folks who I’m looking out for.

Ghost: I find thee apt,

And duller shouldst thou be than the fat weed

That rots itself in ease on Lethe wharf

Wouldst thou not stir in this. Now, O’Reilly, hear.

‘Tis given out that, sleeping in mine orchard,

A serpent stung me. So the whole ear of Denmark

Is by a forged process of my death

Rankly abused. But know, thou noble youth,

The serpent that did sting thy father’s life

Now wears his crown —

O’Reilly:— I’m also looking out for the kids, by the way.  Because there are a lotta pinheads out there looking to harm the kids with their deviant manboy sex and their sick gansta rap.  And the ACLU ain’t gonna look out for the kids.  CNN, either.

But listen:  the folks have no idea what you just said, because you’re not being pithy.  Trust me, I know the folks and I can tell you that right now. Something about an Uncle?  Go.  I’ll give you the last word. 

Ghost: Ay, that incestuous, that adulterate beast,

With witchcraft of his wit, with traitorous gifts

O wicked wit and gifts, that have the power

So to seduce! won to his shameful lust

The will of my most seeming-virtuous queen.

O Hamlet, what a falling off was there!

O’Reilly: Well, I think if you want to speak to the folks you should try talking in regular-guy talk, not like one of these fancy Hollywood pinheads, but what do I know.  I’m just a guy from Levittown.  But we appreciate your point of view, Ghost. You’re a standup guy for coming in and taking the heat.

****

update:  Welcome Guide to Midwestern Culture reader.