Every morning I climb out of bed, have coffee and a light breakfast, feed and change my little boy, and then—quite refreshed—I say to the universe, “universe? Whom shall I piss off today?”
This is generally a rhetorical question—though on one occasion, my neighborhood was subjected to a sudden deluge of Bowling for Columbine DVDs. But that was likely an anomaly.
Huh, and here I thought I was the only person who did that… of course I am no where near as good at it as you are, but hey, practice practice practice.
Yes! Exactly! Practice! And then you, too, could be a dick like me.
Universe: Everyone!!!
Considering how well you’ve been doing at your mission lately, a hearty, “Good show, lad,” seems to be in order.
I usually wake up in the morning with the hopes of thinking about pretty things, like puppy dogs, open meadows, graceful women and serene mountain landscapes.
However, when I get to work and start reading through all my emails in the morning, all I can think of is @*^$, @#($, *&@#!!!!!
Might the list be shorter if you asked “whom shall I not piss off today”? Seems to work for me.
Every morning I wake up screaming in horror.
Every evening, as the sun goes down, I climb out of my crypt and decide who to bite.
Bite me, Count.
Sorry.
Bite me, Count.
There’s a difference.
I wondered why the whole “nobody gets up in the morning and thinks, ‘who can I screw over today?’ rhetorical schtick wasn’t working in arguments anymore. I thought it was the insidious PoMo mentality. I need my rhetorical props man. Just, thanks. Let me know when you’re going after “two wrongs don’t make a right.” ‘Cause then I’m packing it in.