what follows is an excerpt from the transcript of Chris Rock’s Oscar™ monologue, glossed for your convenience.
When Bush got into office he had a surplus of money. Now there’s like a $70 trillion dollar deficit.¹ Now, just imagine you worked at the Gap. [laughter]
You’re closing out your register, and there’s $70 trillion dollars short. [laughter]
The average person would get in trouble for something like that, right? Not Bush, no.² [laughter, applause]
“He started a war,³ that’s cool, support the troops, he started a war. Now just imagine you worked at the Gap. [laughter]4
You’re $70 trillion behind on your register, and then you start a war with the Banana Republic… ‘cause you say they got toxic tank-tops5 over there.
You have the war. People are dying. A thousand Gap employees dead, that’s right, bleeding all over the khakis.
You finally take over Banana Republic and find out, they never made tank-tops in the first place.6
¹ There is some discrepency here about the nature of the “surplus,” but the deficit number—given by Rock as $70 trillion—is clearly excessive, leading one to believe that Rock simply pulled that particular number out of his ass. In his defense, however, “$70 trillion” is a funny number.
² There’s an easy explanation for this, namely that the majority of Americans—the “GAP managers” in Rock’s analogy—are evil and stupid and like NASCAR and Jesus. And eat Oscar Mayer products. And consider macaroni and cheese casserole a “supper.”
³ Well, in the sense that he ordered the invasion, Bush certainly started the fighting, though to say he started the war is a stretch. To wit: what Rock neglects to mention is that GAP employees had been fired upon daily in the employee parking lot by Banana Republic staffers for twelve years following the GAP’s repulsion of Banana Republic from Abercrombie and Fitch (which it tried to take over by force in 1991. After the GAP and its allies from Cinnabon, Panda Express, Bed Bath and Beyond, etc repelled the invading Banana Republic volley, Banana Republic signed a cease fire agreement, which it then almost immediately violated; additionally, Banana Republic’s longtime CEO tried to have a former GAP president assassinated—and that former GAP president just happens to be the father of that same George Bush who supposedly “started” the war).
4 Actually, only Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon laughed, albeit uproariously. Whereas Warren Beatty kind of smiled. And Barbra Streisand nodded knowingly. Beyond that, not much.
5 Testimony from a host of store owners suggest that it was widely believed, by mall employees, that Banana Republic did indeed carry toxic tank tops—a belief that was furthered by instances years earlier in which thousands of Banana Republic employees were found dead wearing them, their skin blistered and pocked and often burned completely off.
6Again, this suggestion that Banana Republic “never made tank-tops in the first place” is patently false. There is some discrepency over whether or not they had stockpiles of toxic tank tops at the time of the GAP invasion, but that speculation was fueled by a reluctance, on the part of the Banana Republic, to allow competitors to see their inventory.
Further, after the invasion, GAP employees DID find several hundred-thousand dead former-Banana Republic employees buried in the stock room, evidently killed by the Banana Republic management.
****
transcript here; video here. (h/t Talkleft)
Bastards! I will never shop at Banana Republic again!
So who will be France ?
Sears
Build a Bear
or Restoration Hardware ?
As stupid as that tirade was, he did have a good one liner about Oprah though…..
“Oprah is so rich I saw Joh Kerry proposing to her before the show….”
classic…..
There is a huge discrepancy between Chris Rock’s monologue and this version of yours Jeff.
Yours was funny.
Rock bombed.
Alien Grey
who will be France?
Hmmm…let’s see … A store with a ‘tude, snooty sales people, and a product that would be rather ordinary save for the same snooty ‘tude of sticking its name in (usually in rhinestones) over everything, upping the price and trying to make you feel grateful they allow you to buy the stuff.
Ah! That would be Bebe
Now, who do we get to be Germany in the Mall of the World?
That, Jeff, was frickn’ hillarious.
Jeff, your analysis is brilliant—much better than the program, which seemed really lackluster. I miss Billy Crystal…BTW, did anyone else think Dustin Hoffman looked hammered?
Hey, if I was working at a GAP store and my register was $70 trillion short, wouldn’t that mean we had a pretty good day? I mean, sales-wise? You know, before, I, like pocketed the cash? I mean, think what the credit card sales must’ve been.
Man, I get all tingly in a GAY PORN kinda way when I think of that many financial instruments.
Lyndsey, I agree. Hoffman looked like he was snockered.
If there are dead employees in the stockroom, aren’t you at Wal-Mart? Of course, no one seems to care about that since the dead aren’t from the mall, but the strip mall.
Why are you ignoring the genocide at Wal-Mart, Mr. CITIZEN JOURNALIST? Are you waiting for the mall management to declare it a genocide? Or do you hope they’ll issue a statement regarding leases and employment issues, so you can wring your hands but continue to do nothing? Pansy-ass, I hope you get short-changed at Cinnabon!
Again, this suggestion that Banana Republic “never made tank-tops in the first place†is patently false.
If I recall, some of the toxic tank tops may have found their way out the back door and are now stored in a nearby rogue Hollister. Also, there seemed to be a large cover-up within Banana Republic among mid-level managers who didn’t want to tell the CEO that they didn’t have huge stockpiles of toxic tank-tops.
All. of. this. posting.
Feels. like. drinking. from. fire. hydrant.
Aaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiii glub.
Don’t forget the jobless, trustafarian mall rats, who line up to protect Banana Republic from GAP, but get lost faster than a belch in a gale when it comes times to protect Banana Republic’s union drive against the old management’s vicious strike breakers.
I thought Rock’s riff was too clothes-minded.
The same company that owns Banana Republic also owns the Gap. So if America is the Gap, and Iraq is Banana Republic, then that holding company must be—you guessed it—the Jews.
I was going to say “God,” but okay.
None of this would be an issue if we would put Chess King back on the throne.
We’re forgetting about the mall management’s involvement in the “Belts-for-Burgers” scandal. The Assistant Manager and the Manager’s son, it seems, were skimming profits from Bananna Republic and the food court. Claudia Rosett has been all over this angle.
I’m a new reader. I think your stuff is fantastic.
*linked.
Christ, JayDub, if it’s not puns with you, it’s GAY PORN or…something. OK, maybe it’s the puns.
Do they still have Orange Julius at malls these days? They were a big hit the last time I went to the malls.
I’ll have you know that the Banana Republic is an excellent store with a wide selection, and wouldn’t ever sell any toxic clothing. And I very much enjoy shopping there.
I’ve moved on. My mutual funds are now given boozy hugs by Janus.
You know I don’t do “me too” posts, but nice job, Jeff. As for Mr. Hoffman, this isn’t the first time he’s been hammered at the Oscars. Makes you wonder if maybe he has issues. You know, issues.
Keyword, “law,” as in Jeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwde Law.
It appears that with Banana Republic going GAP, American Eagle, Eddie Bauer, Wet Seal, and Limited Too are starting to change their window dressing. It is yet to be determined if they will fire their CEOs and give their burka-wearing sales chicks any rights at all. Still, with Rove in control of, well, of practically everything on the earth, I think there’s a sea change here.
Craig, Of course he has issues, he made this scummy sick movie decades ago that affected him mentally I am sure, and he has never recovered.
I have nothing to add, save applause, but I had to post something: the Turing Word was ‘progress’.
Yes. There has been quite a bit of that, lately.
Jeff, that was good. And I don’t mean just ha-ha good. I’m talking a tall pint glass of Guinness chilled to forty-five degrees and some warm shepherds pie good. You know GOOD good. That satisfying good that makes your belly heavy and your head light.
Now, who do we get to be Germany in the Mall of the World?
Wetzel’s Pretzels. Pretzels are German.
Bonus: Wetzel’s Pretzels is more fun to say.
Sbarro = Italy
Janus? You should know better than allowing your funds to be hugged by a two-faced deity.
Especially if he’s got a huge buzz on.
Larry: Who’s Old Navy, then?
As long as the Arthur Treacher’s and Outback Steakhouse out on the access road keep sending guys over, the weenies from Wetzel’s Pretzels and Au Bon Pain can sit in the food court till they rot.
Old Navy? Gotta be England.
“There is no cannibalism in the British Navy, absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount.”
Belgium = Godiva Chocolates. Snotty salespeople, overpriced product, and generally a triumph of style over substance.
Like Chris Rock, now I think about it.
Turing word = ‘World’.
As in the mall. . .
Freaky.
So, Canada would be the Bay, meaning that it just isn’t there . . .
The kiosk in the middle of the aisle which sells die cast school busses can be Andorra.
key word – end
Wet Seal
I’ve always wondered about that place. I’ve never been young enough to wear their clothes, not even as a child. But, why the name? I mean, seals are cute and all, but what do they have to do with women’s wear? And why a wet one, specifically? Why not Oh So Precious Baby Seal Threatened by Cruel Fur Hunters, if you really must associate your clothing with pinnipeds?
And then a couple years ago (this is true), it occurred to me that it’s “wet seal” as in “Application of an elastomeric sealant”. So now I’m wondering: Is that meant to be dirty?
Angie, always assume filth. That way it won’t surprize you.
Wet Seal
Maybe because “Naked Beaver” would have been disgusting?
I always new Banana Republic were evil. And tank tops are toxic. Especially when worn by overage females whose underarm dewlaps flap like pennants at a Yankees game. That sight can kill. :spongg:
Let us not forget the so-called surplus was a projection by the previous management if the then fad for buying anything associated with the Gap, regardless of any genuine value just so long as it had a URL stitched on it, continued without end.
I have a better idea for next year.
What if you don’t buy any of your clothes at the mall? What if you shop online? What if you wear nothing but Jeff’s t-shirts? I like the one that says “nipples”. It’s fun to say “nipples”.
Well, actually Bush was the one who started the current war with Iraq. He made a presentation to Congress in order to get authorization to start the war. after that, he sent troops to the country. I think that is a war. Generally when a country sends troops into another country it isn’t for tea and biscuits. You mention that the Gap employees had been fired upon daily by Banana Republic. Yet I don’t recall any stories of Iraqi troops invading downtown Atlanta. Did I miss all those Iraqi troops in the US thing? Was I not watching the right television channels?
Evidently.