I think I’m coming down with the same sort of ferocious bug that plagued my wife this week— one that begins as a mild scratch in the throat before working its way into the chest and lungs, where it quickly settles in and makes itself right at home, running around shoeless, misusing the appliances, charging Thai takeout on your credit cards and throwing keggers at which a clatch of sluttly little teenage-girl germs get stupidly drunk and dance topless on the coffee table to old Spin Doctors tunes before becoming wildly disoriented and throwing up Taco Bell Santa Fe gorditas all over the carpet on their way to passing out on the bathroom floor…
In an effort to head off this hellish bodily takeover I plumbed the medicine cabinet this morning for zinc tablets, but not finding any, I settled on eating three post-1983 pennies—copper-coated, to be sure, but minted on thin zinc wafers that I’m hoping will leach through the copper shell and into my system before I pass them.
To that end, I’m taking it easy on the coffee and prunes today. Wish me luck.
Didn’t we talk about Vienna Fingers with Vienna Suasages at the same time? I think you gotta hurl ‘em now.
You also need your iron and Vitamin C, so stuff a rusty razor blade into an apple slice and gulp that down.
You’ll be amazed at how you’ll feel a few minutes later.
(You know I keed…)
Get better soon.
That’s why tequilla helps, it makes the little sluts pass out quicker.
Did you need to EAT the pennies? Couldn’t you just suck on them? Too late now, of course.
You make my day. You are the first blog I check in the morning and the last I check at night. Thanks for making my days go a bit easier.
Love the visual, Jeff. Thanks.
Jeff, do you think “clatch” is the proper collective noun for slutty little teen-age girls (or girl germs)?
How about a “snatch” of slutty little teen-age girls?
Forty or fifty bloggers
Lying in a lot.
Red raincoats and rifles,
An epidemic has been stopped.
Better than flujo.
Just saying….
Wow.. Couldnt foresee that coming could you..?
You go out swimming in Lake Cock without any protection and now youve caught something..
Big surprise…
a clatch of sluttly little teenage-girl germs get stupidly drunk and dance topless on the coffee table to old Spin Doctors tunes before becoming wildly disoriented and throwing up Taco Bell Santa Fe gorditas all over the carpet on their way to passing out on the bathroom floor…
Wow. Your respiratory system has better parties than I ever could dream of throwing.
If it’s Dusty-brand girls who are doing the hurling, all the better.
An Ode to the Porcelin God
“One, two, princes kneel before you
Princes, princes who adore you
One has diamonds in his pockets
This one wants to hurl on your tennis shoes”
(With appropriate apologies to The Spin Doctors”
Turing word: now
As in “If you want to call me baby, well go ahead now.”
Swallowed pennies are just as accurate as corn for timing one’s digestive system function.
There’s nothing but germs out there, which is why I never leave the house
You must have your neti pot water delivered. There’s probably a service for that in CA.
A gram of Vitamin C every few hours.
That home remedy might work just a little bit too well, methinks:
http://www.scienceagogo.com/news/19981030165915data_trunc_sys.shtml
The researchers conducted a series of experiments in which they bathed pennies in a solution of stomach acid (hydrochloric acid). Pennies minted before 1982, which are 95 per cent copper and 5 per cent zinc, showed no erosion. However, those minted after 1982, which are nearly all zinc, with a thin copper plating, began eroding immediately. By the second day, they had holes in them. The researchers found the zinc in the coins reacted with the acid to form hydrogen gas and zinc chloride. The reaction, similar to the chemical process that occurs in car batteries, can erode the stomach lining, causing an ulcer.
well, pennies are all well and good, but nothing beats corn as a bowel-tracer. once a month is what i recommend. and, while i’m not a doctor, it is a hobby of mine…
Olive leaf extract. It’s the only way. Tastes like hell but it’s anti viral/fungal/bacterial. So it’ll cure the flu, athletes foot, and strep all at once. That and drinking three or four gallons of water during the day and taking a dose and a half of Nyquil at bedtime. I’m a mother. These things I know.
Mrs Goldstein: Geez Officer, I dont know what could have happened to him… He ate some pennies earlier. then he said he felt bloated.. then Bloweee! One minute he was sitting at his computer smoking a cigarette..the next minute all thats left of him is a few bits of corn stuck to the walls.
Do pennies make your pee-pee stink like asparagus does? Makes cents to me.
There was a character in a Dickens novel who spontaneously combusted.
So that’s what happened to him! He ate pennies.
What? You say a character in a novel’s dick spontaneously combusted ? I hate when that happens !
-Dyslexic_Baboon
Damn! Damn! Damn! It hasnt even been 1 full day yet and already I’ve broken my pledge not to go for quick cheap laughs using dick and fart jokes.
Well.. at least I havent used a fart joke yet.. thats something.
Stop it, JW. Immediately.
I recommend medicinal scotch
Hope it doesn’t turn out to be too bad.
That’s Islexdic Aboon if you’re going for authenticity.
Isnt that what I said?
Utilize an old jungle remedy, bud. Shot glass. Sprinkle of sand. Shot of bourbon. Swirl. Down. The little buggers will get drunk and stone themselves to death.