Here’s a brief, two-word review of Moulin Rouge! by The Weekly Standard’s David Skinner:
— “It sucks.”
Got a backup review, Dave…?
— “Crapalicious pseudo-musical.”
Okay, then.
I didn’t much care for the movie, but I wouldn’t say it sucked, necessarily. I mean, my wife loved it. So did several of my friends (though one such friend defended Patch Adams — the single worst American movie every made — and so has no credibility to speak of).
I don’t know: I think I could enjoy it, given the right context (say, were I a drag queen hittin’ the pipe too hard, or were I able to convince myself that I wasn’t watching a movie at all — but rather some sort of oddly fascinating religious festival involving exploding peacocks and colorful, singing dwarves in finely tailored formal wear).
But to be honest, I can’t get worked up over this stuff anymore. Once Robin Williams (Good Will Hunting) beat out Burt Reynolds (Boogie Nights) for Best Supporting Actor a few years back, I became convinced that some sort of schlock-sponsered Oscar® conspiracy was undergirding the whole of adult dress up night. I mean, “Don’t push it, Chief” — delivered in an odiously bad Beantown accent — that’s Oscar® worthy? You’re freakin’ kidding me, right?
Were I given a vote, The Bad News Bears would win Best Picture every year, and Al Pacino would win Best Actor in perpetuity for his work in Dog Day Afternoon.
Lifetime Achievement Award? To Tom Laughlin — who’s managed to parley Billy Jack into a forty year career… (Eat your heart out, Tim Blair…)
Now if you’ll excuse me for a bit, I’m gonna run down to Blockbuster and rent Donnie Darko
<i>Patch Adams</i> the worst movie? Surely you jest: how about <i>Flesh for Frankenstein</i> or <i>Dolemite</i>?
Without any budget to speak of—and with its drug-addled and pimp-slapped cast hardly capable of coherent speech—<i>Dolemite</i> is <b>still</b> a far better picture than that Robin Williams pap.
In fact, I felt the need to spray my screen with Lysol after watching five minutes of that <i>Patch Adams</i> treacle. Uggh! The only thing worse than Robin Williams acting earnestly is my having to <i>watch</i> Robin Williams acting earnestly.
No. Give me <i>Dolemite.</i> Or <i>Sweet Sweetback’s Baaaadaaaassss Song</I>, anyday…
What is it with the colourful dwarf fetish, anyway
? And now they’re singing and wearing finally tailored formal wear? Sigmond is spinning in his grave…
Good Will Hunting did suck blue iguana eggs. I mean, give us a character that urinates on just about everyone and everything around him and we’re supposed to root for him? I don’t think so. After the scene where he trashed his girlfriend I was hoping someone would drop a truck on his worthless behind.
Myria
I <i>have</i> been, er, “a bit on the dwarf” lately, haven’t I, Myria. (So to speak, I mean).
I think I know the reason, though: Within the last couple of weeks I’ve blogged a story on dwarf tossing, seen <i>Time Bandits,</i> seen clips of Leguizamo in <i>Moulin Rouge</i>, and read something on Sgt. Stryker’s page about <i>Willy Wonka</i> and the Oompah Loompahs.
No need to bring Siggy into this, by the way. At least not until I get into an Austrian Jew groove (just a matter of time, that).
Oy, I’m repressccching, I zink
I am with Skinner on this one. It sucked.
Although the worst movie ever was “Stop or my Momma Will Shoot.’
Dolemite ruled Kinen.
Are you aware, John, that there’s a <i>Dolemite</i> collectors DVD set on the market?
I shit you not.
Tut-tut and pfui. Easily the worst movie ever made costing more than US$2,359.00 was Sylvester Stallone’s “Driven”. Worst Plot, Worst Dialogue, Worst Acting, Most Audience ‘Driven’ From Theatre.
Haven’t seen it, Don. (Tonight, I’m watching <i>Jeepers Creepers</i> and <i>Donnie Darko</i>, by the way; the wife, bless her, don’t like “horror” films, but she’s businesswoman it up in Deutschland, so the teevee is mine!).
Still, at least <i>Driven</i> had car crashes and explosions. <i>Patch Adams</i> just had manipulative and preachy dialogue, strawman opposition characters (that’s right, the movie was an argument <i>against</i> medicine), and lots of close-ups of Robin Williams looking concerned.
Diabetics who watched this died.
Jeff – with the current audit scandal, and your suggestion that there’s some fixin’ a da results, I ujst gotta wonder: which accountancy is it that the Motion Picture Association uses to audit the vote?
Am I reeeaaaching!
Diry Price Waterhouse fucks. I don’t trust ‘em as far as I can throw ‘em, Tony.
You’re never gonna convince <i>me</i> that <i>Out of Africa</i> won Best Picture fair and square…
You’re right: <i>Dolemite</i> had its moments. There was that stray boom mike that kept showing up on the film, and the best curse in cinema: “You no business-havin’ honkey muthafucka!”
The best–absolute best–bad movie is <i>Death Wish Three</i> with Charles Bronson. Pure genius. It even had Dianna Troi in her earlier role as a Puerto Rican…
Now you all <i>talkin’</i>!
Don’t forget Jeff Goldblum’s appearance in the first “Death Wish,” though, Harvard. And Lawrence Hilton Jacobs, who played Freddy “Boom Boom” Washington in “Welcome Back, Kotter” (theme song by John Sebastian, of “Lovin’ Spoonful” fame).
Worst movie, Jeff? <I>The Frighteners.</i> with Alex P. Keaton.
Now.
I thought that the worst movie I ever would see in my entire life was <i>The Lonely Lady</i>, starring Pia Zadora.
Then I saw <i>Dungeons in Dragons</i>.
Ack! I screwed up your page with my dumb HTML mistake. Sorry, Jeff. :
No worries, Andrea. All fixed.
<i>The Lonely Lady</i>, huh? Notable as an early Ray Liotta piece, but nowhere <i>near</i> the Golden Globe winning performance Pia offered us in <i>Butterfly</i>.
Still. That movie just sucked, whereas <i>Patch Adams</i> thought itself <i>meaningful</i>. Blecchh!
Boja: Lawrence Hilton Jacobs? You’re shitting me, right?
Alright, new nominee for worst movie–and surely worse than <i>Patch Adams</i>… this awful flick <i>Deep Rising</i> about a giant squid that takes over a cruise ship.
Favourite: The Secret of NIMH
Worst: The Little Mermaid
(Yes – I’m an adult, but I’m not allowed to watch adult movies ever since that little episode during an non-intermission viewing of Gandhi)
Hey Jeff – I’m sure glad I exited employ at Deloite when I did. Bean counters gonna hafta start eating their beans…