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The "because I have to run out to the doctor's office soon, I'll leave you with this short one act play that seeks to examine the travails of an existentialist life from the point of view of hardened realism and social pragmatism, using corn as a kind of extended metaphor" post

WAITING FOR DELICIOUS BUTTER SPREAD

Espadrille

Val

ACT I

A country road. A tree.

Evening.

Espadrille, sitting on a low mound, is staring at a shucked ear of corn. He pulls it close for inspection, turning it over and over.

He gives up, exhausted, rests, tries again.
As before.
Enter Val.

ESPADRILLE:
(giving up again). Nothing to be done.
VAL:
(advancing with short, stiff strides, legs wide apart). I’m beginning to come round to that opinion. All my life I’ve tried to put it from me, saying Val, be reasonable, you haven’t yet tried everything. And I resumed the struggle. (He broods, musing on the struggle. Turning to ESPADRILLE.) So there you are again.
ESPADRILLE:
Am I?
VAL:
What is that, corn? I love corn.
ESPADRILLE:
Me too.
VAL:
Of course you do. Who doesn’t love corn? And there it is, in your hand, corn. Corn that we love — that everyone loves! We’ll have to celebrate this. But how? (He reflects.) Butter. Spreadable butter. That’s what is needed.
ESPADRILLE:
(irritably). Good luck finding that around here. On a country road. Evening. Near a tree.
VAL:
(hurt, coldly). Wow. No need to be a dick.
ESPADRILLE:
‘Need’ is irrelevant in that formulation.
VAL:
(admiringly). Ah. A man who truly knows himself and doesn’t run from it. I like that!
ESTRAGON:
(without gesture). You’re welcome.
VAL:
I should hope so. Speaking of which, you have this corn. And it looks delicious, as I say. Because honestly, who doesn’t love corn? The question is, what to do with it. Without spreadable butter, I mean.
ESPADRILLE:
Lesser men might eat it. Just as it is. I suppose.
VAL:
Lesser men.
ESPADRILLE:
Those who can’t wait.
VAL:
Those who haven’t experienced spreadable butter. Or perhaps even those who have, but who see no point in fantasizing about what might be. Corn is delicious even so, after all. Without spreadable butter.
ESPADRILLE:
Though better with, of course.
VAL:
(gloomily). Of course. But it is what it is. (Pause. Cheerfully.) On the other hand what’s the good of losing heart now, that’s what I say. You found corn, didn’t you? What’s to say, if we put our minds to it, we can’t together find spreadable butter?
ESPADRILLE:
The ‘finding’ is the least important of our concerns. The looking is what will pass the time.
VAL:
To be sure. Of course, it is rather warm this evening. Perhaps tomorrow?
ESPADRILLE:
Perhaps.
VAL:
Or perhaps corn isn’t terribly delicious, when one stops to think about all the steps involved in readying it.
ESPADRILLE:
(feebly). Okay. Now you’re just depressing me.
VAL:
Truth hurts, my friend?
ESPADRILLE:
(angrily). Hurts! Yes, it hurts!
VAL:
(angrily). No one ever suffers but you. I don’t count. I’d like to hear what you’d say if you had what I have.
ESPADRILLE:
It hurts?
VAL:
(angrily). Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts!
ESPADRILLE:
(pointing). If that ain’t a stick of spreadable butter in your pocket, I don’t much care. Frankly.
VAL:
(stooping). Ah, I can’t blame you. (He buttons his fly.) Never neglect the little things of life.
ESPADRILLE:
Perhaps we should just throw the corn away.
VAL:
(musingly). And not eat it at all . . . (He meditates.) And no need to search, then, either. Interesting.
ESPADRILLE:
Problem solved. Just like that.
VAL:
Just like that. Nothing to be done. (ESPADRILLE again examines the corn closely. He turns it over and over, feels it, turns it upside down, shakes it, looks on the ground to see if anything has fallen out, finds nothing, turns it over and over again, staring sightlessly before him.) Well?
ESPADRILLE:
It isn’t going to butter itself, not even with prayer. So much for faith. And miracles.
VAL:
On demand, at least.
ESPADRILLE:
So do we eat it? Or do we ditch the unsatisfying piece of shit. Let the perfect be the enemy of the good, as they say?
VAL:
Shake that bitch one more time, see if it butters itself.
ESPADRILLE:
(examining the corn) Perhaps miracle butter takes a few moments to appear…
VAL:
Perhaps. But then, that would be the case even if you had a cow, a churn, and some Amish dude.
ESPADRILLE:
What?
VAL:
The point being, either way you wait. So why not bet on the sure thing? Wishes have not the same physicality as cows and churns. Or the Amish.
ESPADRILLE:
And?
VAL:
And . . . (He reflects.) And, I guess that means we should probably throw the corn away and save ourselves these tired examinations.
ESPADRILLE:
So we’re decided?
Val breaks into a hearty laugh which he immediately stifles, his hand pressed to his pubis, his face contorted.
VAL:
Yes, but. Want to know a secret?
ESPADRILLE:
Not if it’s going to rub against my leg.
VAL:
I despise corn. (He smiles suddenly from ear to ear, keeps smiling, ceases as suddenly.) Not even spreadable butter can make it palatable to me. Nothing to be done.
ESPADRILLE:
(gently puts down his ear of corn and, reaching for a shovel, he beats VAL about the head and shoulders, until his friend falls, twitches, stops moving altogether. ESPADRILLE pauses, staring over the body)
Who doesn’t like corn? Or having options. It’s unnatural. Purist.

(lights fade as ESPADRILLE retrieves the corn and begins turning it over and over, examining it, his hands now soaked in blood spatter)

49 Replies to “The "because I have to run out to the doctor's office soon, I'll leave you with this short one act play that seeks to examine the travails of an existentialist life from the point of view of hardened realism and social pragmatism, using corn as a kind of extended metaphor" post”

  1. Ernst Schreiber says:

    Didn’t understand a damn thing. But I giggled a bit when the one dude gave his buddy the whatfor with the shovel.

    Just another groundling I guess.

  2. If Albee had written Godot, the world would be a far more interesting place.

  3. Silver Whistle says:

    I thought it was going along a Last Tango sort of direction, and was kind of relieved when it ended in mere homicide.

  4. […] The “because I have to run out to the doctor’s office soon, I’ll leave you with this short one… The “because I have to run out to the doctor’s office soon, I’ll leave you with this short one act play that seeks to examine the travails of an existentialist life from the point of view of hardened realism and social pragmatism, using corn as a kind of extended metaphor” post […]

  5. A fine scotch says:

    Seriously OT but timely given O’s likely request for “investment” in green jobs tonight:

    FBI and DoE currently raiding Solyndra .

    Think anyone will ask him about that before the speech?

  6. Squid says:

    I was horrified at the thought of them boiling water in which to cook the corn, and using non-renewable Gaia-poisoning fuel with which to do so.

    How relieved I was that such measures were not taken.

  7. serr8d says:

    Espadrille, he was a walrus or a carpenter I wonder?

  8. dicentra says:

    The highlight was Estragon’s cameo. Good work embargoing the appearance until the reveal. Good work indeed.

  9. DarthLevin says:

    This corn is more suited to a weapon, being concrete and really big. But its main danger comes from interpretation by way of intelligentsia.

  10. sdferr says:

    Confidence that one possesses the complete and final understanding of morals and politics can encourage a politician to think of himself as a transformer and redeemer rather than as a statesman. It can impel a president confronting dramatic electoral backlash to attribute opposition to his party and his programs to a fear that blinds voters to “facts and science and argument.” And it can drive him to rouse loyalists to adopt the ancient warriors’ ethic and declare, “We’re going to punish our enemies and we’re going to reward our friends who stand with us on issues that are important to us.” One reason that progressives under pressure so readily succumb to the common temptation to deride voters who disagree with them as frightened and foolish and to portray fellow citizens as adversaries to be vanquished is that progressive assumptions about knowledge and politics make such conclusions about those who decline to follow their lead hard to escape.

  11. happyfeet says:

    corns! I have been enjoying the tasty arepas from Goya – I been getting the frozen kind – they come either sorta plain with yellow corn or with cheese using white corn – so far I just butter them and drizzle on a little honey… they’re like 200 calories each. Plus the butter and the honey. For spreadable butter I just put a stick of butter in the microwave and run it on thaw for 18 seconds.

    I can’t find a link but here is how to make your own – I might could try and do that one day I guess but I haven’t been in a cooking place lately

  12. geoffb says:

    Put the butter pats on a heel slice of bread. Wrap bread around the corn with one hand and rotate the corn till buttered, salt and devour.

  13. happyfeet says:

    brilliant

  14. pdbuttons says:

    rachel ray has big man hands and could probably
    win a corn husking contest [or de husking] u know what i mean
    jelly bean

  15. geoffb says:

    Lileks goes long.

  16. serr8d says:

    A Good Man…

    @fredthompson L.A. considers banning plastic AND paper bags. Fine. If I ever shop in L.A., my bags’ll be made from fur of animals I killed myself. #tcot

  17. B. Moe says:

    Needs a car chase.

    Maybe use the corn to make some ethanol?

  18. Sterling Archer says:

    It was weak. I was never interested… although the part of the corn was played with verve and panache. A puckish satire of contemporary mores! A droll spoof aimed more at the heart than the head!

  19. Squid says:

    One reason that progressives…deride voters who disagree with them as frightened and foolish…is that progressive assumptions about knowledge and politics make such conclusions…hard to escape.

    To be fair, progressives regard their own allies as frightened and foolish. Just see Jeff’s mail from the previous post. If they couldn’t appeal to their herd’s fear and greed, and take advantage of its ignorance and parochial worldview, they’d have nothing to sell.

    “Progressive assumptions about knowledge and politics” are that politics is a lot easier when knowledge is limited and controlled.

  20. ThomasD says:

    Bravo. Maybe I’m mistaken but it seems like we haven’t seen something like this in quite a while.

    Augers well, if you ask me.

  21. McGehee says:

    Corn always gets to be the metaphor. Zucchini is getting jealous.

  22. ThomasD says:

    Estragon we don’t need.

    A hawt Helen Mirren would be so much better.

  23. DarthLevin says:

    Don’t fuck with zucchini, and zucchini won’t fuck with you.

  24. dicentra says:

    Arepas!

    I used to buy the white-corn arepas off the street in Cali, freshly toasted over coals, with butter and a soft, vinegary cheese similar to the queso fresco (KAY-so FRES-ko) the Mexicans use.

    And then there was the woman from Bucaramanga, whose arepas were more like pancakes: sweeter and denser than the white-corn arepas, but you ate them with no topping because they were OK as they were.

    I can make them at home with this stuff. To warm water add a bit of salt, then the flour until you have a nice unsticky dough, then you pat it into arepas and toast them over your stove burner using the cookie-cooling rack placed about an inch over the burner.

    Helpful Hint: Disarm the smoke alarm, becuase little pieces of dough tend to fall between the cracks.

    Butter ’em and crumble queso fresco on the top. Your friends will wonder WTF is with such bland fare.

  25. Pablo says:

    For spreadable butter I just put a stick of butter in the microwave and run it on thaw for 18 seconds.

    There’s another way: Leave a stick of butter out. Wait.

    Why do you hate Gaia?

  26. happyfeet says:

    that takes an uncommon amount of foresight and planning

  27. geoffb says:

    that takes an uncommon amount of foresight and planning

    Or get one of these.

  28. Pellegri says:

    I laughed all the way through because I’m a terrible person.

  29. steph says:

    “Last night I spent almost the whole night shucking corn and mother said I’m not shucking as well as I used to. I guess I must be getting on.

    Mother also said I’m not getting on as much as I used to.”

    -Groucho

  30. steph says:

    Mix mayo with cayenne pepper, then slather the mixture over roasted corn. Spritz the corn with fresh lime. Thank me later.

  31. Slartibartfast says:

    I learned when I was about nine years old that when your family has had corn for dinner and when your kid brother leans out of his top bunk, pukes on the floor and plops out of bed into the puddle of puke, he’ll track corn all the way to the bathroom.

    Dunno how that dovetails with the metaphor, but I’m not really clear on what Jeff was talking about. But I’m slow on the uptake in the best parts of the day.

  32. mezzrow says:

    so I walked into this scene holding a rope with nothing on the other end. where’s my money? and what’s with the dead guy?

    I’m certainly not feeling lucky today.

    I love corn.

  33. mezzrow says:

    ooh. arepas. nature’s perfect food.

    go here. now.

    http://newyork.grubstreet.com/2011/03/how_to_make_the_arepa_ladys_ar.html

  34. Squid says:

    A guy named “Slartibartfast” wants us to believe that his little brother was the one making Jackson Pollock designs from the top bunk. Uh-huh.

  35. pdbuttons says:

    has any moron mention ” corn kernels in poo?”
    i’m not gonna but i got a kinda funny poo-kernel-farmers daughter story

  36. Slartibartfast says:

    I can’t recall why I was a bottom-bunker, Squid. My top-bunk tragedy was not to occur for several years, yet. It had something to do with rolling over too far in my sleep, a brilliant & acrobatic midair recovery, the unfortunate placement of a clock radio, and a badly displaced nasal cartilage (quickly followed by blood rolling into my eyeballs).

  37. happyfeet says:

    that’s an awesome gift for my friend T Mr. geoff I bookmarked

  38. pdbuttons says:

    my dad tried to encourage me to be a ‘top bunk’ guy
    but after three sad ladder events he kinda shook his head
    i saw dissapointentment in his eyes but
    everynite i made him read me that train story-” i think i can…i think i can”
    but i never did

  39. LBascom says:

    “Put the butter pats on a heel slice of bread”

    Not just a heel slice of bread. A regular slice works, as well as muffins, the top of a cornbread wedge, a hotdog bun, even a hunk of tasty butternut squash if you really like your veggies.

    I get great entertainment watching someone buttering a cob with a knife…

  40. geoffb says:

    #37, cool, as will be the butter.

  41. geoffb says:

    Lee,

    I use others like that too but like the heel slice because the butter doesn’t soak through as much and I never eat them anyways.

  42. serr8d says:

    I’d pay extra for end pieces (the ‘heel slices’ of which you speak).

  43. McGehee says:

    Nobody ever tracks zucchini all the way to the bathroom. Just saying.

  44. LBascom says:

    I’m with serr8d. We fight over the heels at my house.

  45. happyfeet says:

    i eat all the bread but it’s such a clever scheme to use it for to butter corns!

    here is how we do the corns en mi barrio

    it’s muy delicioso for reals and you can call it lunch from a caloric-intake perspective

  46. John Bradley says:

    The mayo I can see, and everything is better slathered with cheese, but the mustard and ketchup just seems goofy.

    Then again, barbeque sauce is great on corn, so…

  47. McGehee says:

    If I see one more positive comment about mayonnaise on this thread, I’ll… I’ll…

    I’ll stop reading this thread.

    Then you’ll all be sorry!

  48. geoffb says:

    Mayo, on fries, yum!

Comments are closed.