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I get mail

Received this missive the morning after the GOP debate from one Crystal King, DSCC Political Director:

Dear Jeff,

Did you see the GOP debate last night? You didn’t need to.

You already know the candidates were falling all over themselves to toe the Tea Party line: Tax cuts for the wealthy will create millions of jobs. Social Security is a Ponzi scheme. “ObamaCare” must be scrapped and insurance companies given back the reins.

But here is the scary part: One of these Tea Party panderers will be the nominee and one step away from the presidency.

If he or she wins, and we lose the Senate, they’ll join up with Eric Cantor for total control of the government. The middle class? Abandoned. The EPA? Scrapped. Planned Parenthood? Defunded. Their agenda will pass faster than Mitt Romney can say “Corporations are people.”

September is critical. We can’t let the GOP use their debate hype to seize a fundraising advantage. [...]

I can tell you this: No way, no how, am I going to let these people determine the direction of our country. I won’t stop fighting until the moment the polls close, and I hope I can count on your help.

Crystal King
DSCC Political Director

So heartfelt was Crystal’s plea that I felt compelled to write back.

Heavens! What can I do to stave off this encroaching menace, Crystal?

Will money help? Or should I, you know, kill one of them?

Please advise!

I’ll let you know what Crystal has to say of my offer.

At which point, you’d all better hide.

27 Replies to “I get mail”

  1. happyfeet says:

    at least when the shit really hits the fan she already has her porn name

  2. mojo says:

    “Burn the polls, ye sons of freedom!”

  3. JHoward says:

    Plus, feets, evidently she uses the same Tips For Writing Convincing Marketing Lingo that Barry’s spokeswhores do.

    What a dim, mindless little country we’ve become when they aim straight for the fourth grade English crowd, knowing damn well it gleans votes.

  4. Carin says:

    Not to quibble but, perhaps:

    will money help? Or should I, you know, kill one of them son of bitches?

  5. Ernst Schreiber says:

    [T]he candidates were falling all over themselves to toe the Tea Party line[.]

    One of these Tea Party panderers will be the nominee and one step away from the presidency.

    If only we we’re so lucky. Somebody tell Peter Berkowitz to stop worrying. We’re all purists now. Dangerously so.

  6. Ernst Schreiber says:

    stupid apostrophe

  7. Matt says:

    I missed the part last night where they were advocating cuts for the wealthy. I do like the potential of scrapping the EPA and stopping federal funding for abortion, though I’m not sure that came up either.

  8. DarthLevin says:

    Now, now, Ernst. Don’t blame the arrow, blame the Injun.

    Oh, crap, now I’ve done it.

  9. Ernst Schreiber says:

    how

    er…

    heh

  10. Ella says:

    JHoward, yes, yes, a thousand yeses for hating on the fourth grade “marketing strategy.” I have a client who wanted me to do some website copy for his business book. He said he wanted it to be serious, informative, and not too sales-y even though, of course, the ultimate goal was sales. He liked my first draft, but he sent me some samples he wanted me to imitate. One was for the amazing golf secrets of a one-legged golfer and the other was for Perry Marshall’s “don’t let them think” sales writing page with a tool to make sure you kept the “you:me” ratio high and didn’t have too many big words.

    It hurt. It really hurt.

  11. A fine scotch says:

    See, the debate got Ernst “we we’rd” up! Save us, Crystal King. You’re our only hope.

  12. Pablo says:

    After one woman, who ended up being escorted out of the hall, asked Ryan, “How are you going to put food on my table and help me support my family?,“ a Ryan supporter told her to ”Get a job.”

    Heh.

  13. Ernst Schreiber says:

    If that woman wants someone else to be responsible for feeding her and her kids, then all of them had better be living on that person’s land and working in his field (shop, laundry) etc.

    Talk about back to the future.

  14. McGehee says:

    If he or she wins, and we lose the Senate, they’ll join up with Eric Cantor for total control of the government. … The EPA? Scrapped. Planned Parenthood? Defunded.

    Jeff, did she ever get around to explaining why these would be bad things?

  15. John Bradley says:

    stupid apostrophe

    It’s the crux of the biscuit…

  16. Spiny Norman says:

    The middle class? Abandoned.

    Ah, Crystal, dear, the Democrats did that decades ago.

  17. Squid says:

    From Pablo’s linked article: While some would scoff at the questioner, while others may dislike the way in which the man answered her, the woman’s point — whether right or wrong — is that Ryan, in her view, is not addressing unemployed giving other people’s stuff to the voter cattle in his district.

    I hate when political writers screw up their analysis. This woman wasn’t talking about finding a job or improving the business climate so that everyone else could find a job — it was about redistributing from the job-creators to the job-avoiders.

  18. dicentra says:

    a Ryan supporter told her to ”Get a job.”

    Oh great. Another Bruce Hornsby song on the way.

  19. Squid says:

    The middle class? Abandoned.

    Dear Crystal,

    Abandon me? If only!. Every bit of “government help” offered me over the last three generations has made me poorer and less free.

    Yours sincerely,
    The Middle Class

  20. pdbuttons says:

    crystal king sounds like a beverage i might think of buying if u could mix it with vodka cuz u cant drink vodka straight unless ur the president of russia and
    are shirtless doing some derring do

  21. pdbuttons says:

    crystal king sounds like a top end double wide trailer that might have a labratory in it

  22. pdbuttons says:

    the crystal kings sound like a rock-a-billy band where
    girls wear saddle shoes and long dresses/ guys wear white tee-shirts and dance the night away

  23. Mikey NTH says:

    The middle class would dearly like for the Democrats to abandon it as in for the love of God, please stop helping me!

  24. John Bradley says:

    Oh great. Another Bruce Hornsby song on the way.

    Or another song by The Silhouettes — ‘cept they’re probably all dead by now.

  25. Joe says:

    Did you ever get a response?

  26. […] soon before Crystal figures things out is anybody’s guess. Posted by Jeff G. @ 8:28 am Comments (0) | Trackback […]

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