1) Give me an atomic wedgie — an exercise in which I’m pinned against a gym locker while you yank the waistband of my undies up over my head, nearly severing one of my testicles in the process — please press the # button.

2) Corner me in the school lavoratory and herd me into a stall, then force my head into a shit-filled toilet — forcing me to close my eyes, nose, and mouth, lest I contract some vile bacterial disease from fecal matter swirling about my face once you decide to flush — please press the * key.

3) Insist that you’ve each had my mother sexually at one time or another (or in concert) — and that she, in the throes of passion, has begged for your various manhoods to be shoved into any number of unusual orifices — please push 1 plus the # button. For all other communications, press 2 plus the # key.