So, I’m here in sunny Florida, visiting M&D and having a last family vacation before Brendan goes off to college, and really as family vacations go, it’s not bad, because one of the things that I learned by watching my dad closely is that it’s absurd to go into these things with any expectations or specific objects in mind, and expect to return home with your sanity intact. He’s a very driven man, always haunted by “oughts” (as I am), who simply couldn’t let go of his meticulously considered plans, and when I was 16, I told them I wasn’t interested in going on any more family vacations, ever.

So, I do what I can and don’t sweat the rest, and hope that I’m not stressing my kids out. But Dad has reason to be stressed out, right now. For 25 years, he’s been paying into these two long-term care policies, and it’s clear that Mom’s dementia entitles her, but the company is balking at paying his. Dad held out as long as he could: he’s blind, he’s got ulnar nerve damage, but you’ve got to fit 3 of 5 categories. So, they’re saying that he is capable of feeding himself. Well, yeah, if your definition of feeding yourself is being able to stab something in front of you and bring the fork to your face. He can’t shop, because he can’t read, he certainly can’t read any instructions, and he can’t read the dials on the stove, which means, since Mom’s out of it, that his timer is the smoke detector.

He had a nurse out there, after conferring with the on-staff GP at the facility, who said, “They can’t possibly deny you.” But they did. And what they said was, that feeding consisted of oral feeding, as from a container to the mouth, tube feeding, or intravenous. That pretty much covers the variety of ways that a human being can be fed, unless you’re a fan of South Park, and what their experts are saying, in effect, is that if you’re alive, this is no longer one of the criteria, though it was at the time you bought your policies.

Look: Mom & Dad are sharing the same facilities, so a second person living in the same 2-room apartment is going to cost the company about 20% more. It’s a nice place. There’s a billiard and ping-pong room, card room, library, computer room, putting greens, pool, hot tub, very nice dining facilities, etc. There was a pirate theme party going on there when we arrived to get them the other day. They’ve got some personable young people working there, some from the Caribbean, who don’t talk down to the oldsters, and who seem genuinely to like their jobs–good morale, in short. But, for crying out loud, what does it take to cash in on one’s policy?

Many, many years ago, when I was an M.A. student at the University of Virginia, I paid for my excesses by working as a copy editor at a legal firm in Charlottesville, NLRG, which had the motto, Lawyers Working for Lawyers. They quickly figured out that I had a gift for plowing through tedious shit, and put me to work cross-referencing state statutes with federal precedent, and one of the cases that amazed me was one wherein a judge asserted that of course a client of an insurance company was in an adversarial relation to the company that s/he paid to insure her/him, so they shouldn’t rely on the adjuster’s expressed estimation of damages. Fortunately, that has been superseded considerably, but here Dad is, punching at a passive-aggressive pillow. So, as much as I hate to wrangle with corporate morons who are paid good money to commit corporate moronicity, I find myself in a position where where the best, most humane, fairest thing I can do is attempt to make their lives a living hell, until they pony up and do what they are obligated to do.

So, what does this have to do with where I am? I couldn’t possibly let M&D move into their assisted living place without getting a look, since I knew that Dad would downplay any faults, and it was our last chance to have a family vacation with Brendan before he goes off to college (anyone know anyone who went to Hiram, where he’s been offered a merit scholarship?). Dad said that he’d be able to help us out, so Mary made reservations. Meanwhile, Dad found out that he had to pay out of pocket for his lodging, as well as paying into his insurance, in order to keep the policy active while all this is pending. So, on top of all this, he’s paying on the place in Naples and the one in Wisconsin that they’ve got on the market. In other words, these guys are playing the passive-aggressive game, hoping that they’ll force him to keep spending his own money, given that it’s difficult for him to arrange otherwise.

So, down we came, on a wing and a prayer, only to find that Dad couldn’t help us out, because if he misses any of his payments, he’s screwed. The fact is, he’s Mom’s primary caregiver, and it would be a lot more expensive for Northwestern Mutual if they split them up, but they’re counting on their desire to stay with each other in order to drive this financial wedge and justify the bean-counters. You can say, if you want, that your donation has permitted us to carry on in our feckless fashion, and I’m sorry if that’s your perception. On the other hand, whatever your motivations for helping us out, I can say that I’m infinitely grateful for the help, and I hope that I’ve contributed enough to your amusement that it’s worthwhile.