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Moderately Alcoholic Irish Catholics Victimized [Dan Collins]

by nefarious behavior of radically alcoholic Irish Catholics.

I’m recurring to the quote I reproduced here:

Meanwhile, Rabbi Brad Hirschfield, a producer and host for Bridges TV who worked alongside the Hassans, said “now is not the time” to debate the cultural and religious context of the murder that appears to be an honor killing inspired by Aasiya Hassan’s desire to divorce her husband.

“There will be time for that later,” Hirschfield said in a statement obtained by FOXNews.com. “I will only say to those who leap to the conclusion that this kind of thing is intrinsic to Islam, ask yourselves if you think that drunkenness is intrinsic to Irish Catholics, or cheating in business is to Jews?”

I would like to stress, as a moderately alcoholic Irish Catholic that I in no way condone the soused activities of radically alcoholic Irish Catholics, such as bar-fighting, singing “Danny Boy” in an obstreperous voice, or accidentally setting fire to entire cities whilst attempting to re-enter their abodes after last call. As a member of the Society for Irish-American Relations, I do detest and abjure such behavior in the strongest possible terms–especially the last.

None of this is intrinsic to either Irishness or Catholicism. There is no record of Jesus (or any Pope that I’m aware of) encouraging any of these behaviors. In fact, Jesus is said to have performed a Miracle at Cana after the partying was in full swing, suggesting that he was a moderate tippler rather than a full-blown toper. (And as for his Irishness, it’s clearly suggested by the family name, O’Nazareth). In short, there is no scriptural authority in our religion for the stentorian bellowing of ballads, nor for jolly fisticuffs in public watering holes, much less unintentional arson.

Unfortunately, some pre-Christian Celtic practices seem not to have been sufficiently snuffed out by the coming of St. Patrick to the Emerald Isle, and some of these paganisms have been imported to Canada, the United States, and even Mexico, where they have been nurtured by barkeeps affiliated with radically alcoholic organizations such as Jameson’s and Jose Cuervo. So, the next time some Harrigan punches you in the eye out of high spirits or a McManus builds a small fire on the porch of the next door house in order to rediscover where the lock is, or you are subjected to all the verses of “Danny Boy,” please keep this in mind and accept our apologies for the general conflagration and/or discomfiture.

55 Replies to “Moderately Alcoholic Irish Catholics Victimized [Dan Collins]”

  1. Spies, Brigands, and Pirates says:

    Gimme that old time religion
    Gimme that old time religion
    Gimme that old time religion
    It’s good enough for me.

    We will worship like the Druids,
    Running naked through the woods,
    Drinkin’ strange fermented fluids,
    It’s good enough for me.

  2. Spies, Brigands, and Pirates says:

    (I don’t know who came up with the filk song above, btw… there are about a zillion verses to it floating around).

  3. Pablo says:

    So, the next time some Harrigan punches you in the eye out of high spirits or a McManus builds a small fire on the porch of the next door house in order to rediscover where the lock is, or you are subjected to all the verses of “Danny Boy,” please keep this in mind and accept our apologies for the general conflagration and/or discomfiture.

    Apologies, hell. If people weren’t such awful racists all the eye punching and arson wouldn’t be necessary. Respect the sacred inebriation, and Kiss me, I’m Irish. We won’t have any trouble then, will we?

  4. Joe Biden says:

    I don’t know who came up with the filk song above

    I did, thankyouverymuch.

  5. Techie says:

    What about the Scotch-Irish? We’re the radical sect, getting kicked out of not one, but two countries.

    Plus, we’re likely fookin’ orange bastards.

  6. Dan Collins says:

    I suggest you start your own grievance organization. We already have our hands full.

  7. Techie says:

    Aye….er, I mean “ok”.

  8. solitary knight says:

    I’ll have ye know we dinna put our spouses in the woodchipper “head” first. And if ye calls me a drunken coward I’ll have to thump ye about the head and burn down your patio.

  9. urthshu says:

    Scots-Irish?
    “Indian killing is in no way representative of scots-irish culture”

  10. Bob Reed says:

    Let me just say, as someone with a signifigant fraction of Irish heritage (one set of paternal grandparents were straight off the boat), what is often characterized as bar-room brawling by the eeeeeevil, knuckle-dragging, intolerant, fly-over country, holier-than-thou WASPs, is in facft an ancient form of Irish dancing

    And all that ceaseless and repetitive folk song singing? Simply good Catholics warming their voices up for, ahem, church…

    Whatever, we don’t have to justify behaviour to the intolerant majority…

    It’s our culture, Man!…So Deal!…

  11. Techie says:

    Plus, we likes the moonshine, and ye breathe nary a werd ah this to them damn revenuers, or ye’ll get the back o’ me hand.

  12. Ric Caric says:

    Hey Dan! I assume that you’re unlike Jeff in that you have some ability to interpret a text. Here’s one of the relevant biblical texts on Jesus and drinking. Have fun.

    Luke 7: 31-34 (King James version) “And the Lord said, Whereunto then shall I liken the men of this generation? and to what are they like? They are like unto children sitting in the marketplace, and calling one to another, and saying, We have piped unto you, and ye have not danced; we have mourned to you, and ye have not wept. For John the Baptist came neither eating bread nor drinking wine; and ye say, He hath a devil. The Son of man is come eating and drinking; and ye say, Behold a gluttonous man, and a winebibber, a friend of publicans and sinners!”

  13. Dan Collins says:

    I’m mostly a beerbibber.

  14. urthshu says:

    “The Trail of Tears? Little Big Horn? Red Stick War? That was the work of a tiny minority of extremists!”

  15. Carin says:

    Hey Ric … so in the past few weeks you’ve found absolutely nothing else a tad more pertinent to comment on?

  16. JD says:

    The Caricature returns. Timmah is sure to follow. What an ass.

  17. urthshu says:

    Ric is a very religious man, I’ve noticed.

  18. Dan Collins says:

    Actually, he is a churchgoing man, urthshu.

  19. urthshu says:

    Its probly why he gets treated badly here. He’s like a god-bothering Jehovah’s Witness that knocks on the door at strange intervals

  20. alppuccino says:

    Wait until the Irish discover crack. What fun when they try to take it from the…………….

    There’s a man standin’ over there,
    What is his color, I don’t care.
    He’s my brother,
    Lettuce lives with peas.
    Oh oh oh oh
    He’s my brother,
    Lettuce, oh lettuce lives with peas.

  21. TmjUtah says:

    (And as for his Irishness, it’s clearly suggested by the family name, O’Nazareth)”

    Thank you for that. I will be giggling the rest of my day off…

  22. urthshu says:

    Its fine that he is, Dan. My faith is not his version, though.

  23. Dan Collins says:

    The Irish have known about it for a long time, alp.

  24. alppuccino says:

    Wow Dan, that’s ironic.

    What’s next? Schlitz Malt Liquor is brewed in Darby?

  25. Spies, Brigands, and Pirates says:

    Hey Ric … so in the past few weeks you’ve found absolutely nothing else a tad more pertinent to comment on?

    I’d be particularly interested in Prof. Caric informing us on which of his campaign promises (other than missiling the fuck out of Pockeeeeeeeeeestawn) Obama is planning to keep.

  26. Rusty says:

    I’m Scotts Irish. We like to drink, but we’re continually counting the cost.

    I Belong to Dublin
    I’ve been wi’ a couple o’ cronies,
    One or two pals o’ my ain;
    We went in a hotel, and we did very well,
    And then we came out once again;
    Then we went into anither,
    And that is the reason I’m fu’;
    We had six deoch-an-doruses, then sang a chorus,
    Just listen, I’ll sing it to you:

    Chorus
    I belong to Dublin,
    Dear old Dublin town;
    But what’s the matter wi’ Dublin,
    For it’s goin’ roun’ and roun’!
    I’m only a common old working chap,
    As anyone here can see,
    But when I get a couple o’ drinks on a Saturday,
    Dublin belongs to me!

    There’s nothing in keeping your money,
    And saving a shilling or two;
    If you’ve nothing to spend, then you’ve nothing to lend,
    Why that’s all the better for you!
    There no harm in taking a drappie,
    It ends all your trouble and strife;
    It gives ye the feeling that when you get home,
    You don’t give a hang for the wife!

    Chorus

  27. urthshu says:

    Just Reparations, SBP

  28. Dan Collins says:

    I’m surprised that nobody seems to have suggested this as the origin of the expression.

  29. Silver Whistle says:

    Can’t swing a cat in this place without bumping into some mick.

  30. McGehee says:

    I tell people I’m Scottish, but I’m 3/4 Irish. Or rather, 150-proof.

  31. Mossberg500 says:

    Hey, perfesser daddyhate is back. Do you pray that your daddy dies a horrible death at your church, perf? Father’s Day is around the corner, and I believe florists can send a dozen black roses to your dad to show your disgust. It’ll definitely stimulate the economy.

  32. N. O'Brain says:

    My wife is Scottish Kate, straight out of Glasgow, and my kids are half Scotch and half water.

  33. N. O'Brain says:

    Does anyone know what the fuck the perfessers point is supposed to be?

    Other than the top of his head, I mean.

  34. ushie says:

    Ah, I remember Dublin. Mostly. Went on a self-guided James Joyce pub tour, and never made it out of the first pub. Ah, me fellow Irish are a charming lot, especially when they’re buying for the lass returning from America.

  35. Rusty says:

    #32
    NOB. The original title is,”Glasgow Belongs to Me” My stepfather had a beautiful deep bass voice. He sang in a couple of barbershop quartets. He was raised in a little town in Northumbria. A truly dickensian upbringing. When he walked in the door after a saturday night he’d belt that song right out.

    A wee,”deoch-an-doruse” was the drink the publican gave you as you were walking out the door at closing time. For our midwest purposes pronounced, dunkindoris.

  36. N. O'Brain says:

    The only party were I ever blacked out was in Glasgow.

  37. Cowboy says:

    My ancestors were from Orkney: Scottish-Norwegish—they majored in pillage and plunder and wore pointy metal hats mostly.

  38. Silver Whistle says:

    If you fancy bumping into some moderately alcoholic Irish Catholics, the Oyster Festival in Galway is a pretty good place to start. I was there in 07 and the tickets were around 70 euro. Once inside, the Guinness was free (!), and so were the oysters. I had 4 doz. What an unbelievable rumpus, what with all the free stout, dancing and chatting up going on. I don’t think many of them felt victimized by anything other than excessive drink.

  39. ThomasD says:

    (other than missiling the fuck out of Pockeeeeeeeeeestawn)

    Anyone catch ObaMao’s Canadian adventure the other day? When he referenced his upcoming trip to Denmark he pronounces it Co Pen Hah Gen like he’s some sort of sooperjenyus world traveller Presentdent.

    It’s Co Pen Hay Gen. Or, at least so says Mirriam Webster.

    http://tinyurl.com/apwsr2

  40. Patrick says:

    My ancestors were from Orkney

    Hide the sheep!

  41. Silver Whistle says:

     When he referenced his upcoming trip to Denmark he pronounces it Co Pen Hah Gen like he’s some sort of sooperjenyus world traveller Presentdent.

     In Danish, it’s spelled København, and unless you speak Danish, I wouldn’t bother trying to pronounce it. Co Pen Hah Gen is OK.

  42. TmjUtah says:

    In the last week, Hillary Clinton has met with the Norks, John F. Kerry has delivered Obama’s mail to the butcher Assad, and our AG has labeled America a nation of cowards.

    I’d love to see the message traffic going back and forth between the worlds bad guys.

    The giddy factor would probably make a high school girls’ dating conversation look absolutely Churchillian.

  43. Silver Whistle says:

    TMJ,

    Where the devil have you been, old boy?

  44. McGehee says:

    Yeah, Ko Pen HAY Gen is a chewing tobacco, not a city.

  45. The Monster says:

    The confusion on pronunciation of vowels comes from the fact that most Germanic languages treat pronounce “long a” as in “father”, not as in “fate”. English is considered part of the Germanic family by linguists, but due to cross-channel pollution from the Normans, it’s really a bastard child of the Germanic and Romance families. I’m not sure either wants to claim it.

  46. Spies, Brigands, and Pirates says:

    Yeah, Ko Pen HAY Gen is a chewing tobacco, not a city.

    [foxworthy]

    If you think the Copenhagen Interpretation has something to do with chewing tobacco, you might be a redneck.
    [/foxworthy]

  47. TmjUtah says:

    Silver –

    Still in Utah, just spending about sixty hours a week in a hole up in Salt Lake.

    I regret the time away from my family but acknowledge that the job has probably kept me sane by insulating me from most news. And without people like me the Federal government would be powerless to prevent credit deadbeats, house flippers, and politicians from suffering the consequences of their actions.

    Forgive me, but sometimes I do feel like a fool.

    Life is good, end of empire, rise of communinism, and coming of the second Great Depression aside. Food in the basement, good neighbors, family is relatively healthy, and The Job. Could be worse.

    Probably get that way by spring. I give thanks I don’t live on a coast. Every day.

  48. Greg Q says:

    And as for his Irishness, it’s clearly suggested by the family name, O’Nazareth

    Oh, come now. There’s much more than that to tell you Jesus wsa Irish,

    1: At age 35, he was still unemployed and bumming aroudn with his buddies.
    2: He died after a night spent drinking with his buddies
    3: His mother thought he was God
    4: He thought his mother was a virgin.

    :-)

  49. Silver Whistle says:

    It’s good to have you back, TMJ. Sixty hours a week – that must be one hell of a hole by now.

  50. TheGeezer says:

    My ancestors would get all gassed up on warm beer, shoot a couple of rounds into the ceiling, and then try to march into Poland or Russia. Fortunately, they were not Catholic nor even Christian; they were pagans with a bad case of the runes.

  51. B Moe says:

    In Danish, it’s spelled København, and unless you speak Danish, I wouldn’t bother trying to pronounce it.

    Which is true of pretty much any Danish word. A Danish lass tried to teach me the proper pronunciation when I was there awhile back. Something that sounded sorta like cope-NOGGIN was as close as I could come. You gotta smash the syllables all together and say it way back in your throat. It was a bit disconcerting trying to chat up pretty Danish girls when they are sitting there smiling away but keep sounding like they are about to spit on you.

  52. Silver Whistle says:

    B Moe,

    The ø is kind of like the German ö, but more in the back of the throat and guttural, and the havn, well, the v is pronounced as a w, and like you say, the whole thing is kind of like hawking before spitting. I went to school here and here, where they tried, with limited success, to get me to speak Danish.

  53. Ric Caric says:

    I like to visit every now and then to see Protein Wisdom’s version of the right-wing freak show. In many ways, Jeff and Dan have become even more entertaining than Rush, Sean, Alan Keyes, Glenn Beck, and other blowhards. Keep up the good work.

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