Here’s a list of this summer’s blockbuster wannabes, and if anything, it looks worse than usual. Setting aside the few that already have been released, feel free to prognosticate which will be the greatest craptacle of all.
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So bogus, Collins, not even one preview-download of upcoming female on female electro-shock torture flicks.
Cattle Prod XIII, dude, I won’t tell you how it ends but the Polanski influences are in your face.
Some of the commenters over there seem to think a lot of these will be awesome movies… wtf.
Ironman – Was badass I’ll admit.
Speed Racer – Who even thought this was a good idea? Part of the nostalgia is remembering how awful the original show was.
Narnia – Was really good.
Indiana Jones – Is about what you’d expect from a movie starring a geriatric explorer and Shia Lebeouf.
Sex and the City – I predict that the whole wedding turns out to be a sham, and at the end they all decide to whore around through their mid 50’s.
Kung Fu Panda – Kung Fu has to be pretty stunning to get me interested… Pandas aren’t that stunning.
Zohan – I’ll definitely watch it. Counterterrorist Hairstylist is not something you avoid seeing.
The Happening – What’s “happening” here is another M. Night Shamylamylamylan self-parody.
Hulk – The original was pretty craptastic. It cannot have gotten better by changing all the actors and inserting some random, quasi-canon villain.
Get Smart – I’ll probably see. I like movies with the Rock but I can’t really explain why.
Wall-E – Dollar Theater movie, unless I’m really, really bored.
Wanted – Looks interesting, but I’m having a hard time getting motivated to pay $8 to see it unless a bunch of friends are already going.
Hancock – Will Smith has been in some really sanctimonious stinkers lately, but I’ll see any movie where someone throws a whale.
Hellboy II – I’m shocked – SHOCKED – that someone watched the original cinematic abortion and thought, “We need a sequel!”
The Dark Knight – Probably a blockbuster, and only 50% because of Heath Ledger’s death.
Step Brothers – If there’s extra money around I may see it, but Will Farrel movies are starting to be hit and miss.
X-Files – Really? The show’s been off the air like 10 years and we need another tedious movie about it?
The Mummy 25 – Maybe this movie is a satire and I just don’t get it… This cheap, snorefest franchise rises from the dead every few years.
Rocker – I predict terrible, tedious, and unthoughtful comedy filled with middle-school sex jokes to keep it moving.
Pineapple Express – Same as Rocker, only probably worse.
Star Wars – Why are these still being made? How many permutations can you really have of the same movie? I’m sure the Star Wars crack heads will still go see it, even though they know it’ll be mediocre… they just can’t quit the stuff.
Tropic Thunder – I don’t see anything that would get me to see another awkward Ben Stiller slumber party.
Some don’t look so bad… Hellboy might be alright.. Get Smart will probably suck but it has Anne Hathaway looking way hot in it… She’s worth the price of admission.. and cant wait to see Gillian Anderson again… I’ve been jonesin for her since the X-Files ended it’s run..
One summer movie extravaganza that wasnt on the list.. Anyone catch the craptastic miniseries remake of the excellent 1971 Sci-Fi flick “The Andromeda Strain” on A&E ? Damn that Ridley Scott.. I was looking forward to this movie.. All they did was take out all that was good about the original.. the spooky governmental sterility and painstaking scientific process..the human interaction.. and replaced them with screams, ‘sposions and slow motion glimpses of boobies in a human car wash.. (not that there’s anything wrong with the latter)
I was expecting Blade Runner with viral bad guy…
What, no Hamlet 2 review?
Yeah, Ed Morrisey didn’t have anything good to say about it.
I have been surprised so far:
I did not want to see Iron Man, but went with my 8 year old nephew because he wanted to. I really liked it, Robert Downey was terrific as Stark.
Yesterday, I snuck out of the office to see Indy. Don’t waste your time! Boring and contrived. Karen Allen and Harrison Ford have not aged well at all. No plot. Should have gone direct to DVD.
My 6 year old wants to see Kung Fu Panda, so I will see that one. Zohan looks hysterical, but is prolly a DVD rental.
The most reliable review I’ve heard was “sucks ass”.
Iron Man was surprisingly good. I’m going to see Indy tonight despite the bad press. I can’t help myself.
Probably ‘Sex in the City’. It will fail by delivering on it’s promise to be like the series… or worse.
Most of this will eventually end up at the theater down the street from me. $3 to get in, $2 before 6pm and all day Tuesday.
I can wait.
With 4 kids, seeing a movie is a major financial investment, so we choose carefully. I’ll take the youngest to Kung Fu Panda. “The Boy” and I went to Iron Man and liked it.
We’ll probably all go to Narnia. But the previews made me worry about the battle scenes. For anyone who’s seen it–is the movie too violent for an 11 year old?
Sex and the City–I predict superficiality and craptaculareity.
Cowboy, my daughter, age 12, saw Caspian and didn’t think it was too violent.
Hulk: what, was Eric Bana THAT bad in the green suit that it had to be redone, this soon?
Dark Knight: I’m on it. I used to think that Michael Keaton was STILL, inexplicably, the best Batman by a mile, until I saw Christian Bale do Batman Begins. Although Katie Holmes was just too cute to be taken seriously, the movie was mostly about Batman.
ooooh, Wanted. RTO didn’t care for the comic or Night Watch or Day Watch. heh.
This is what happens when you start judging the quality of films based on their box office take. That’s marketing, not art.
I bet Zohan, Hellboy, Hancock all do very well. The rest, they’ll be not bad but not that big a seller. Other than Iron man. And Get Smart looks really fun and clever.
Speaking of violence in film, will no one put a stop to the violence being done to the laws of physics? I mean, Hancock would have to weigh many thousands of tons for him to just derail a train like that, or toss a humpback whale nearly over the horizon.
And the effect that would have had on the whale…probably best to leave reality OUT of the movies, I guess.
Maybe he has this special infinite-inertia superpower that he can switch on and off, as needed. It’s always one kind of magic or other.
#2: Awesome run-down. I concur, but I could never have put it that cleverly.