for Shannon Elizabeth
If I were a garden hoe
I’d be an independent
contractor.
It’s bad enough banging
rakes and manual sprinklers
for chump change —
You think I want to share
my hard-earned bread with
some asshole
garden
pimp?
Does Wayne Spade-y have to choke a bitch?
And also she could assist in cultivating locally-grown produce which is sustainable and also the polar bears would maybe not die so much. This is another one of those so much depends things I think.
I love you Shannon.
I’d characterize the poem as being somewhat, ah, . . . countrified.
And the nipples. You cannot forget the nipples. They could cut glass.
So much depends
“So much depends”…? Early onset incontinence a problem?
What’s McCain got to do with this?
Nice. But what about the flying penises, Jeff?
Unavailable for comment
Interesting idea for a screen saver, but I’ll pass.
If I were a garden hoe, I would go on strike until my wielder got a clue and hit the freaking weeds with RoundUp®.
Oh, wait…
Dicentra, every time you spray a dandelion, a polar bear gets to sink.
Whenever I spray a dandelion, a hundred other dandelions come and rub up against my leg with their open petals.
I think I’m doing something wrong. Is peeing on the things suddenly bad?
a hundred other dandelions come and rub up against my leg with their open petals
Sounds like they are enjoying it. Sounds like you are enjoying it too, for that matter.
Just don’t start drinking herbicide, even if it might work.
I don’t particularly enjoy it, Lisa.
Though on a slow day, I’m not going to complain much. The funny feel is the funny feel.
It’s the urea. Dandelions are a sucker for it, so to speak.
#10: Heh.
What’s with the flying penises? Are they doing a reunion tour or something?
Gram Parsons is dead, let me remind you.
#19: That would be a great band name.
Apparently, a political rally in Russia was disrupted by a flying penis (perhaps more than one – there are conflicting stories). I have been waiting (with baited breath) for you to opine upon this revolutionary new form of heckling.
If they spin without slapping, I’ve got no use for them.
If Jason and the Scorchers had done a cover of “I can’t Dance” (I never could), and done a video with Warner a whirling and Jason a spasticating, they would be bigger than US Steel (Are they still in business?), well anyways…
i lurv Shannon the best of all your constructs, Jeff….she expresses my inner repressed slut so perfectly.
;)
Ya ha deedle deedle, didle didle deedle deedle dum.
Sorry, but corn syrup for brains ain’t sexy.
…with baited breath…
Well, there’s your problem right there, sweetie.
Lay off the sardines. A word to the wise.
I’d rather be a Sears Craftsman Model 358795790 Big 19 Inch Hedge Clipper
.. and spend my days trimming one hirsute bush after another..
omg did i say that?
its bated breath….i make lotsa mistakes but that usually isnt one of them.
You know who makes a lot of mistakes is that Barbra Streisand. I think she might could be functionally illiterate.
If I had a garden hoe,
I’d hoe it in the morning
I’d hoe it in the evening,
All over this land
I’d hoe out danger,
I’d hoe out a warning,
I’d hoe out love between my brothers and my sisters,
Hoooooeeeeee
All over this land.
She is not a garden-variety hoe. You got to special order one like her. I bet the blade would be a titanium alloy with laser-sighting and auto-stabilization for the perfect swing.
What life would be like if Martin-Marietta went into the garden tool business.
Is peeing on the things suddenly bad?
Well, urine contains ammonia, which contains nitrogen.
So, no, it was never bad…
Maybe next time you want to kill a plant you can have your cow take a dump on it (carnivores produce poisonous estiercol).
If you really want to kill plants, a little diesel fuel helps. When I worked at the Youth Camp we would apply diesel once a year along the lines for the football field and the soccer field. Kept those lines visible so they could be painted in the next year.
The fact that oil and gas was found under the camp was just a coincidence, just like oil and gas was found under the GM proving grounds.
Coincidence!
Or you could get a Labrador Retreiver, one of the more enthusiastic dogs. Ours killed most growth in the backyard, but had the trait of being highly entertaining. Like when a squirrel fell off of a wire and landed in front of our dog. They made the fastest loops about the backyard that I had ever seen until the squirrel hit a tree and got up it and old Cinder went to follow. Cinder got four feet up before, bark flying (and barks flying), she lost traction and landed on her rear.
I gave Cinder an A for effort but an E for planning. C overall.
Labs are enthusiastic; they’ll chase snowballs, snap at waves when one hits them in the nose, and leap off of a moving boat in deep water to chase seagulls. Never a dull moment when a Lab is about.
So, you’re saying a Labrador Retriever’s got about 50 IQ points on Nishi?
Something like that. The Lab brings teh funny in a goofy, tongue-lolling, friendly sort of way. Like a bullet-and-fire-proof drunk cousin. Without the beer, and without the call to the fire department and EMS every family reunion.
Watched a couple bringing a Lab on a canoe outing, and watched from a safe distance both predictable events: the Lab hopped into the water to chase a crane with the couple following after in the canoe, and when they finally got the dog back into the canoe, it spent about 10 seconds shaking the water off. The couple was not prepared for it.