Dr. Helen, in an interesting post about why she’s ditching her purse, asks the following (not rhetorical) question:
And are there any other man-traits that might make women’s lives easier? Help me out, guys!
Um, okay, Helen. Be careful what you wish for, though.
My husband’s trick to managing all of his stuff is to ask me to put it in my purse. If Helen can get Glenn to carry a purse, she’ll be fine.
There you go, MayBee. Go suggest it!
My trick is to stuff everything into my codpiece. That way, nobody tries to pick my pocket.
If it itches, scratch it.
I used to stuff things in my bra, but I ended up losing my lipstick every time I flashed someone.
I’ve often found having a length of urethra external to my abdominal cavity useful.
But I keep my Chap-Stick in my gun.
Usually.
Learn to pee standing up.
I love MayBee.
Enjoy farts.
Pron.
Drop grudges.
I recommended one of these. All the cool guys are wearing them.
I’m going to give my two cents and take umbrage at this ….
Ooops, wrong thread. Carry on!
Enjoy farts.
Who says we don’t? Whether you all enjoy our farts is another story.
MOPP Level !!!
Next thing you know, Dr. Helen is going to bob her hair.
er, MOPP Level 4
The whole giving up menstruation thing seems to be working out well for a number of young women.
Your farts are ambrosial, Juliette. I’m certain of that.
not to mention the lumpy-ness. well, um, maybe some have larger pockets.
uh
nipples
I’ve got some of those plastic gizmos for peeing standing up, but I carry them in my purse (I don’t remember where I got them, try camping-supply stores).
Male traits I’d add:
* ability to use the restroom alone
* ability not to see microscopic dirt
* grasp of math and logic
* not using PMS as justification for being an asshole
Women get really pissed at those last two.
Pockets? Good luck getting women to voluntariy widen their hippo regions.
Meaning pockets on outergarments, of course.
yeah, SarahW, what woman is wearing baggy pants?
Radish, PMS is the realest thing, mine peaked in my thirties. My frontal lobes dissolved and had to regrow.
Are the kids doing that? I’m still doing the lame skinny thing. I’ve seen wide-leg jeans, but that’s new leg room and high waists, no berm widening.
SarahW, there’s two days a month I can barely get out of bed without overdosing on Vicodin. But I don’t expect people to give me sympathy because when I bite their heads off, call them names, or kick their dogs, I expect them to tell me I’m being an asshole.
I do have a set of these, however. I’m hoping for a comeback.
Hey, babee, are those hip pockets you’re wearing or are you just … um … ah … fat?
For some reason I never had significant success picking up girls and I never could figure out why…
So. Much. Estrogen. Must. Escape. Feels. Like … my home.
Radish, your expectations seem reasonable, even though you *deserve* the sympathy.
SPEW INDUCING
Hey, babee, are those hip pockets you’re wearing or are you just … um … ah … fat?
“Do these pants make me look fat?”
“No. Your fat makes you look fat”
That blind date did not last long.
JD–
Channelling Bill Shatner?
JD: What’s up with the impending birth?
Try Cutting Off Your Hair, Doc
After having someone steal money out of her purse, Dr. Helen wants to give up carrying purses altogether and, perhaps, adopt a few more peripheral guy traits.I could at least steal some guy traits that might make my life a
Understanding the concept of buying a round.
If peeing standing up is beyond you, learn to look before you sit.
Either that, or grow your butt big enough that you don’t need the seat.
[…]
What?
BJ – It is still impending. Better half’s OB, named Dr. Box I shit you not, is planning on inducing on the 6th if Madeline Grace has not yet graced us with her arrival.
They could learn to drive. That would be awesome.
Understand why betting on golf is acceptable.
Understand why Sundays in the fall are for football.
Understand the pure beauty of boobs. And female nipples :-)
Learn to say fine, and mean it.
Learn when a fight is over, it is over.
Learn that boys being boys is a good thing.
Learn that guys forced to watch The Bachelor will grow tits.
Learn that Dancing With the Stars makes your eyes bleed, except for Shannon Elizabeth’s nipples.
“* not using PMS as justification for being an asshole”
The best definition of PMS: the point in her cycle where a woman acts like a man acts all the time.
So I guess men ARE assholes.
Purses: I’m convinced that my wife has enough stuff in her purse to survive after a nuclear strike.
I think my better half has enough purses to build a small fortress to protect against a nuclear strike.
Learn how to get at least to the end of the driveway before becoming hopelessly lost.
Learn to stop bitching.
Oh wait…
Learn that a deep, loud, gurgly burb in public is deeply satisfying.
Learn that comprehension starts the first time something is said and does not improve with 18 repeatings.
Learn that “The First Wives Club” is the worse movie ever made and paying to watch it in the theater was an abomination.
Yup, I gots me some issues! :-)
Learn to raise the toilet seat.
The toilet seat thing, have mercy. Be advised that backwards and in high heels are disadvantages are not reserved just for dancing.
You are not going to fall in yourselves, gentlemen, if the seat is left down or up, but women will if the seat is not left in default postion; men always have the option of sitting themselves and are never at disadvantage.
Even when there is a nightlight, or a well-lit powder room, a lifted seat is not the default position, and is ugly.
So mercy.
Plus there’s the sink, right there.
Hah, Sarah! You learned that one!!!
When you know we’re pissed off , you have to keep guessing why until you get it right .
Dr Helen’s ditching her purse? Where is she gonna put her tampons?
Yes, I said it. TAMPONS. HERE on PW.
Carin: Stop masticulating the menstruation.
How about making the default toi-toi seat position having the lid down? That way every suffers equally, and fewer things get dropped in accidentally.
Shampoo is shampoo is shampoo. Not something you generally tote around with you, but think of the money you’ll save!
and you never have to worry about the answer to, “cat, why are your paws wet?”
and you don’t have to listen to the sound of the dog drinking in the bathroom… ugh.
Only if they unwisely fail to secure the toilet seat in the down position, first. Try putting the lid down a time or two and see if the man of the house pees all over it.
ALWAYS COMPLETE THE PREFLIGHT CHECKLIST!
The urologist who did my brother’s vasectomy was Dr. Blank.
Use the same drinking glass, if you use one, for days on end. Why wash or rinse more dishes.
Drink milk, juice, etc. right out of the jug when no one is looking and water out of the tap.
Put off until tommorrow what you can do today.
I like to wait until I have a solid quarter-inch of orange Cheeto build-up then I suck on my finger tips for a good minute or two. Tastes almost as good as picking a chunk of steak from your teeth, inspecting it then tossing it back down hatch where it belongs. Chicks don’t re-morsel their morsels.
Don’t nag someone into submission. Ask, and if it doesn’t get done, do it yourself.
If you need things done a certain way, do them yourself.
Say what you really mean.
Take what other’s say at face value. Don’t try to read the “hidden meaning.”
And don’t use an apostrophe for a simple plural.
The shower rod is not another closet. Learn to use one shampoo, one soap, one towel. If you have to spend more than an hour in any store, you don’t need what they got. Shopping is a chore, not a career. I haven’t forgotten to move that cabinet into the laundry room, but the more you bring it up the longer it will take to get done. Learn to read a map. Learn to change the oil in the car. Put air in the tires, and check the AT fluid.
Slarti, I presume males don’t micturate over their shoulders. but face the toilet. You can deduce why women would be at a relative disadvantage.
A woman can risk sitting on a closed lid, fair enough. But it’s not nice to leave the seat up, because she is used to turning around and facing away, in the dark, or when in a great hurry. Which she is more likely to be than a man, for various reasons.
Take what other’s say at face value. Don’t try to read the “hidden meaning.â€Â
Just what are you trying to say?
Guess.
And don’t use an apostrophe for a simple plural.
:Whistle’s:
Are youtrying to say I’ve put on weight?
Because that’s just water weight.
What’s hilarious is that there always is a secret meaning, and the only man’s who every understands is Gleen’s.
ever.
oh, also you never know when there might be critters in there
Well, poofy.
maggie, I figured it would be snakes, not an oppossum.
SarahW, you’re skinny as a rail. In fact, you should eat more.
Wait, what? You mean it’s just me?
Slarti, I presume males don’t micturate over their shoulders.
Depends on whether or not it’s the first visit in the morning.
Dr Helen’s ditching her purse? Where is she gonna put her tampons?
Ooh, I thought of a place!
When arguing with your S.O. don’t bring up old shit from years back. Stick to the topic at hand.
Arguments are self contained, like Simpson’s episodes.
Nobody else keeps their wallet in their ass-crack?
Enjoy the Three Stoges.
If I’m in a hurry into the bathroom and the seat is down, I won’t put it up. And when I’m in a hurry my aim, not so good.
If I am trying to figure out what is wrong with the car and I have not diagnosed it yet, it does not help to ask “How long will we be here?”.
– If you own male adolescents, aim is a random concept.
More Inventions, 2008 from the Women in Engineering Museum:
* A fem designed carlot with two large sections for the display area: “Blue cars” – “Red cars”.
* A cell phone which opens to reveal a compact with mirror, powder puff, and a single button marked “talk”.
* Fem parking spots at malls, which start out three car widths and come equiped with airport landing lights, warning sirens, a set of guide rails that “vee” down to the exact width of the car, and a locamotive shock absorber bunper mounted on the curb.
* A womens home repair kit that consists of a high heel (hammer), a butter knife (screwdriver), and a nail file (saw).
* A car designed for fems that comes equipped with keys that have a GPS locator built in, a mirrored makeup set in place of the dashboard, 15 inch red arrow holegan turn signals that follow the direction of the front wheels, and a miniature crtowbar for opening the glove box.
* A home bathroom improvement kit, including a toilet seat with wielded eye bolts, floor mounted cleats, and two industrial weight 2 inch steel chains.
Avoid underpants. Chew instead of smoke. Stop wearing make-up. Always follow five paces behind me.
Assume, as a close first approximation, that when somebody else says something the intended meaning is carried in the simple denotation of the words, rather than including “hints” or innuendo. Use the language that way. This procedure alone will simplify your dealings with men to a degree you won’t believe until you try it.
Anybody who gives a damn what you are wearing is not trustworthy, except of course in special situations like theatrical costuming.
Regards,
Ric
Very little depresses one more than seeing the great questions of human existence reduced, decade after decade, to that mother.fucking.toilet.seat.joke. How god damned clever we all are. Let me tell you a little story. After the first few times I heard this, in college, as the male’s greatest outrage, I resolved to get past it. I got myself into the habit of always sitting on a toilet, thereby avoiding any possible offense to females, since we now shared a perspective. Fast forward 20 years. After the first four kidney stones, the urologist informed me my bladder never emptied completely, leaving little acid shards. Who knew? During treatment for that, they discovered the cancer. I’m losing my kidney later this month.
Woman vs. man jokes are the funniest thing in the world, and keep us from having to think about anything really important. But, males, no matter how nice a guy you aspire to be, stand up to micturate. It’s how you are built, and what you are meant to do. I know. I’m dying.
Having said that, the next time some vapid twit bitches about her toilet seat, piss in her face. As oft as ye do it, in remembrance of me.
Well, thinker, I’m sorry to hear about that. I hope they find a way to help you.
I do wonder if piss in someone’s face would lead to any medical problems, though.
My dad died of renal cancer. Kdney stones are not a risk factor; in fact, early discovery of a still-localized renal cancer is the only hope of survival, generally a stroke of luck to find it when evaluating some other condition.
thinker,
So sorry to hear that. I don’t even sit down anymore to shit for that reason. Well, that, and I just don’t feel like stopping whatever I’m doing at the time. Mind over matter and all that.
Happy April 1st.
– Prior to the John Ritter screw-up, exploratory
full body CATS were not even considered a part of the medical maintenance platform. Now they are, and were almost immediately following his case, because I can guarantee you his doctors knew very soon after his death what had happened, in spite of the BS way they were able to wiggle out of it.
– I know because the industry wide change in procedures, obviously low keyed for CYA reasons, saved My life, and because My surgeon told Me point blank that post mortus there was no way they wouldn’t know they fucked up royally.
– Anyway, be that as it may, I am eternally grateful to him, since those same procedures led My doctor to discover My descending aortic aneurysm during a routine kidney stone scan, a condition that has since been remedied via surgery.
– Arterial aneurysms, if left untreated, are generally ~96% fatal. The good news is that if treated properly, and assuming good health and heart/arterial condition otherwise, the patient can expect almost the same life expectancy as if they had no such problem. This is true because this type of condition is often isolated in patients that show no other physical problems. That’s what makes this sort of condition so insidious. Modern life pace, stress, and certain types of physical exertions, are the chief suspects, not weight or sclerosis as was originally believed.
– All of which leads to the conclusion that this sort of after 35 exam is at least as critical as heart/circlutory exams.
Hey, you know that fat guys are more likely to sit on the pot, right? I only ever stand at urinals. Besides, it’s easier to read when you’re seated.
Of course, I’m in Malaysia, where it’s hot all year round. If I had to put my ass on a freezing cold seat, I think I’d rather stand.
#74 – ooh, tell our *mothers* that! I swear, my mom remembers stuff I did 25 years ago!
“Learn that comprehension starts the first time something is said and does not improve with 18 repeatings.”
Preach, brother.
Also, consider that if you say something and don’t get a response, it is because what you said is not very interesting.