7 Replies to “U Can Haz History? [Dan Collins]”

1. maggie katzen says:

   December 29, 2007 at 8:16 pm

   ha ha, love the “living cat” at the end.

2. Karl says:

   December 29, 2007 at 8:20 pm

   LOLcat Wasteland.
   IM IN UR WASTELAND BURYING UR DEAD

3. Dan Collins says:

   December 29, 2007 at 8:25 pm

   I wonder what TS Eliot would look like, translated into LOLangue.

   Well, there’s a translator:

   I. TEH BURIAL OV TEH DED

   APRIL IZ TEH CRUELLEST MONTH, BREEDIN
   LILACS OUT OV TEH DED LAND, MIXIN
   MEMS AN DESIRE, STIRRIN
   DULL ROOTS WIF SPRIN RANE.
   WINTR KEPT US WARM, COVERIN 5
   EARTH IN FORGETFUL SNOW, FEEDIN
   A LIL LIFE WIF DRID TUBERS.
   SUMMR SURPRISD US, COMIN OVAR TEH STARNBERGERSEE
   WIF SHOWR OV RANE; WE STOPPD IN DA COLONNADE,
   AN WENT ON IN SUNLIGHT, INTO TEH HOFGARTEN, 10
   AN DRANK COFFEH, AN TALKD 4 AN HOUR.
   BIN GAR KEINE RUSIN, STAMM AUS LITAUEN, ECHT DEUTSCH.
   AN WHEN WE WUZ CHILDREN, STAYIN AT TEH ARCHDUKEZ,
   MAH COUSINS, HE TOOK ME OUT ON SLD,
   AN I WUZ FRIGHTEND. HE SED, MARIE, 15
   MARIE, HOLD ON TIGHT. AN DOWN WE WENT.
   IN DA MOUNTAINS, THAR U FEELZ FREE.
   I READ, MUTCH OV TEH NITE, AN GO SOUTH IN DA WINTR.

   WUT R TEH ROOTS DAT CLUTCH, WUT BRANCHEZ GROW
   OUT OV DIS STONY RUBBISH? SON OV MAN, 20
   U CANT SAY, OR GUES, 4 U KNOE ONLY
   A HEAP OV BROKD IMAGEZ, WER TEH SUN BEATS,
   AN TEH DED TREE GIVEZ NO SHELTR, TEH CRICKET NO RELIEF,
   AN TEH DRY STONE NO SOUND OV WATR. ONLY
   THAR IZ SHADOW UNDR DIS RED RAWK, 25
   (COME IN UNDR TEH SHADOW OV DIS RED RAWK),
   AN IM GONNA SHOW U SOMETHIN DIFFERENT FRUM EITHR
   UR SHADOW AT MORNIN STRIDIN BEHIND U
   OR UR SHADOW AT EVENIN RISIN 2 MEET U;
   IM GONNA SHOW U FEAR IN HANDFUL OV DUST. 30
   FRISCH WEHT DER WIND
   DER HEIMAT ZU.
   MEIN IRISCH KIND,
   WO WEILEST DU?
   U GAEV ME HYACINTHS FURST YER AGO; 35
   THEY CALLD ME TEH HYACINTH GURL.
   —YET WHEN WE CAME BAK, LATE, FRUM TEH HYACINTH GARDEN,
   UR ARMS FULL, AN UR HAIR WET, I CUD NOT
   SPEEK, AN MAH EYEZ FAILD, I WUZ NEITHR
   LIVIN NOR DED, AN I KNEW NOTHIN, 40
   LOOKIN INTO TEH HART OV LIGHT, TEH SILENCE.
   OD UND LER DAS MER.

   MADAME SOSOSTRIS, FAMOUS CLAIRVOYANTE,
   HAD BAD COLD, NEVERTHELES
   IZ KNOWN 2 BE TEH WISEST WOMAN IN EUROPE, 45
   WIF WICKD PACK OV CARDZ. HER, SED SHE,
   IZ UR CARD, TEH DROWND FOENICIAN SAILOR,
   (DOSE R PEARLS DAT WUZ HIS EYEZ. LOOK!)
   HER IZ BELLADONNA, TEH LADY OV TEH ROCKZ,
   TEH LADY OV SITUASHUNS. 50
   HER IZ TEH MAN WIF 3 STAVEZ, AN HER TEH WHEEL,
   AN HER IZ TEH WAN-EYD MERCHANT, AN DIS CARD,
   WHICH IZ BLANK, IZ SOMETHIN HE CARRIEZ ON HIS BAK,
   WHICH IM FORBIDDEN 2 C. I NO FIND
   TEH HANGD MAN. FEAR DEATH BY WATR. 55
   I C CROWDZ OV PEEPS, WALKIN ROUND IN RING.
   THANK U. IF U C DEAR MRS. EQUITONE,
   TELL HER I BRIN TEH HOROSCOPE MYSELF:
   WAN MUST BE SO CAREFUL THEES DAIS.

   UNREAL CITY, 60
   UNDR TEH BROWN FOG OV WINTR DAWN,
   A CROWD FLOWD OVAR LONDON BRIDGE, SO LOTZ DA,
   I HAD NOT THOT DEATH HAD UNDONE SO LOTZ DA.
   SIGHS, SHORT AN INFREQUENT, WUZ EXHALD,
   AN EACH MAN FIXD HIS EYEZ BEFORE HIS FEET. 65
   FLOWD UP TEH HILL AN DOWN KING WILLIAM STREET,
   2 WER SAINT MARY WOOLNOTH KEPT TEH HOURS
   WIF DED SOUND ON TEH FINAL STROKE OV 9.
   THAR I SAW WAN I KNEW, AN STOPPD HIM, CRYIN STETSON!
   U HOO WUZ WIF ME IN DA SHIPS AT MYLAE! 70
   DAT CORPSE U PLANTD LAST YER IN UR GARDEN,
   HAS IT BEGUN 2 SPROUT? WILL IT BLOOM DIS YER?
   OR HAS TEH SUDDEN FROST DISTURBD ITZ BED?
   OH KEEP TEH DAWG FAR HENCE, THAZ FREND 2 DOODZ,
   OR WIF HIS NAILS HELL DIG IT UP AGAIN! 75
   U! HYPOCRITE LECTEUR!—MON SEMBLABLE,—MON FRÈRE!

4. Dan Collins says:

   December 29, 2007 at 8:29 pm

   Karl’s translation is better. I can’t wait till the entire English corpus is translated into LOLangue, though.

5. Dan Collins says:

   December 29, 2007 at 8:31 pm

   DADDY
   BY: Fluffball

   U DO NOT DO, U DO NOT DO
   ANY MOAR, BLACK SHOE
   IN WHICH I HAS LIVD LIEK FOOT
   4 THIRTY YEERS, POOR AN WITE,
   BARELY DARIN 2 BREATHE OR ACHOO.

   DADDY, I HAS HAD 2 KILL U.
   U DID BEFORE I HAD TIEM–
   MARBLE-HEAVY, BAG FULL OV CEILIN CAT,
   GHASTLY STATUE WIF WAN GRAY TOE
   HOOJ AS FRISCO SEAL

   AN HEAD IN DA FREAKISH ATLANTIC
   WER IT POURS BEAN GREEN OVAR BLU
   IN DA WATERS OFF BEAUTIFUL NAUSET.
   I USD 2 PRAY 2 RECOVR U.
   ACH, DU.

   IN DA GERMAN TONGUE, IN DA POLISH TOWN
   SCRAPD FLAT BY TEH ROLLR
   OV WARS, WARS, WARS.
   BUT TEH NAYM OV TEH TOWN IZ COMMON.
   MAH POLACK FREND

   SEZ THAR R DOZEN OR 2.
   SO I NEVR CUD TELL WER U
   PUT UR FOOT, UR ROOT,
   I NEVR CUD TALK 2 U.
   TEH TONGUE STUCK IN MAH JAW.

   IT STUCK IN BARB WIRE SNARE.
   ICH, ICH, ICH, ICH,
   I CUD HARDLY SPEEK.
   I THOT EVRY GERMAN WUZ U.
   AN TEH LANGUAGE OBSCENE

   AN ENGINE, AN ENGINE
   CHUFFIN ME OFF LIEK JEW.
   A JEW 2 DACHAU, AUSCHWITZ, BELSEN.
   I BEGAN 2 TALK LIEK JEW.
   I FINKZ I CUD WELL BE JEW.

   TEH SNOWS OV TEH TYROL, TEH CLEAR BER OV VIENNA
   R NOT VRY PURE OR TRUE.
   WIF MAH GIPSY ANCESTRES AN MAH WEIRD LUCK
   AN MAH TAROC PACK AN MAH TAROC PACK
   I CUD BE BIT OV JEW.

   I HAS ALWAYS BEEN SKERD OV U,
   WIF UR LUFTWAFFE, UR GOBBLEDYGOO.
   AN UR NEAT MUSTACHE
   AN UR ARYAN EYE, BRIGHT BLU.
   PANZR-MAN, PANZR-MAN, O U–

   NOT CEILIN CAT BUT SWASTIKA
   SO BLACK NO SKY CUD SQUEAK THRU.
   EVRY WOMAN ADOREZ FASCIST,
   TEH BOOT IN DA FACE, TEH BRUTE
   BRUTE HART OV BRUTE LIEK U.

   U STAND AT TEH BLACKBORD, DADDY,
   IN DA PICCHUR I HAS OV U,
   A CLEFT IN UR CHIN INSTEAD OV UR FOOT
   BUT NO LES DEVIL 4 DAT, NO NOT
   ANY LES TEH BLACK MAN HOO

   BIT MAH PRITEE RED HART IN 2.
   I WUZ 10 WHEN THEY BURID U.
   AT TWENTY I TRID 2 DYE
   AN GIT BAK, BAK, BAK 2 U.
   I THOT EVEN TEH BONEZ WUD DO.

   BUT THEY PULLD ME OUT OV TEH SACK,
   AN THEY STUCK ME TOGETHR WIF GLUE.
   AN DEN I KNEW WUT 2 DO.
   I MADE MODEL OV U,
   A MAN IN BLACK WIF MEINKAMPF LOOK

   AN LUV OV TEH RACK AN TEH SCREW.
   AN I SED I DOEZ, I DOEZ.
   SO DADDY, IM FINALLY THRU.
   TEH BLACK TELEFONEZ OFF AT TEH ROOT,
   TEH VOICEZ JUS CANT WORM THRU.

   IF I HAS KILLD WAN MAN, I HAS KILLD 2–
   TEH VAMPIRE HOO SED HE WUZ U
   AN DRANK MAH BLOOD 4 YER,
   7 YEERS, IF U WANTS 2 KNOE.
   DADDY, U CAN LIE BAK NAO.

   THARS STAEK IN UR FAT BLACK HART
   AN TEH VILLAGERS NEVR LIKD U.
   THEY R DANCIN AN STAMPIN ON U.
   THEY ALWAYS KNEW IT WUZ U.
   DADDY, DADDY, U BASTARD, IM THRU.

6. McGehee says:

   December 29, 2007 at 10:46 pm

   4SCOR N 7YEER AGO
   OUR FAHDAHS BRUNG 4TH ON DIS CONTIN–
   CON–
   BIG PLACE A NATIONZ!!1!

7. Spies, Brigands, and Pirates says:

   December 30, 2007 at 9:27 am

   Well, you can already use it to write code. English in general may take a bit longer.

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