Proving that no premise is poochscrewproof:ÂÂ
  Why it sounded good- Jesus teams up with a Mexican wrestler named El Santos to protect the lesbians of Ottawa, Canada from a group of vampires that are terrorizing them. Along the way he meets up with a motorcycle riding, ass-kicking woman that is pun-centrically named “Mary Magnum.” This movie doesn’t just sound good. It sounds like the best thing ever committed to film. Adding to its must see quality is the tagline: “The power of Christ impales you.”
Why it sucked- When we first see Jesus he has the trademark Jesus look and fights some scantily clad vampires when they interrupt the baptisms he’s doing in a dirty river. Brilliant start. But as soon as Jesus decides to go Rambo on the vampires he ditches the robes for street clothes, cuts his hair, and even shaves. There are the occasional biblical references, but from that point on Jesus just looks like some dude in a sweater. Coupled with a screaming narrator and badly dubbed audio, the movie becomes nothing more than a bad horror movie in no time. Though the insanely catchy theme song, performed by the Hammerheads, over the final montage makes sticking through the whole thing worth it.ÂÂ
I don’t care about him. Were the chicks hot?
Am I the only one who strongly suspects that a lot of drugs were involved in the making of this movie?
For real?
Is this one of Jeff’s scripts?
It’s interesting that this disgraceful movie named “Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter” comes out AT ALL and especially during the Christmas season. I hope the memories of people like John Lennon, Mother Teresa, John Wayne, Golda Meir, Merv Griffin, and Pope Benedict XVI…to name a few…are never tainted and trashed in this horrible manner. Jesus Christ is THE SAVIOR AND GOD for so many people, WHY show such disrespect???
…John Lennon, Mother Teresa, John Wayne, Golda Meir, Merv Griffin, and Pope Benedict XVI…
One of these things is not like the others.
nothing against dan collins but i don’t check this site once a day to see stuff written by him. but he is the ONLY one who writes anymore so i’m just going to take this site out of my favs and check you out next year or in 2009, whenever i feel like i’m missing something again.
Seems to be one movie best avoided.
I guess this is a “just had to be there” movie.
It’s campy to the extreme but if you live around Ottawa and happen to have met most of the people in the film then it’s a fun watch. I went to the ‘premiere’ a few years back at one of the last remaining single screen theaters here in Ottawa and since everyone from the movie was there it was just one big party. The fact Jesus’s day job was as the ticket taker at the door just added to the fun.
Why stop at Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter? Let’s look at regrettable movies that should have been written.
Why not Jesus Christ v. Mohammed: Cage Match?(Two go in, only one comes out)
Jesus (played by a young Clint Eastwood), a former contender in the ‘world savior’ business but now retired and working as a welder at a Long Beach shipyard sees news clips and rumors about a new ‘super-bad’ redeemer wanna be named Mohammed (played by a young Mr.T).
Mohammed and his ‘converts’ overtake a small coastal town in northern California and impose Sharia on the cowering community. Local law enforcement (played by an older Sylvester Stallone & young Don Knotts)are beheaded on the local community access cable channel.
Sharia inspired mayhem ensues and a challenge is issued on television by Mohammed’s right hand man (played by a Blade Runner vintage Rutger Hauer) who disparages all older redeemer contenders, especially Jesus, as fakes and challenges them to try to take on Mohammed. He looks straight into the camera and straight into Jesus’s soul when he issues the challenge.
The clip is picked up by a network and Jesus sees it on the 11-o’clock news. The match is on!
Jesus calls up his 12 disciples, who are also retired and doing various menial jobs around the S.W. USA and they re-form to ride into Bolinas and rid the town of Mohammed and his Sharia hooligans.
(Graphic violence and a killer sound-track ensue, with slow-motion scenes of Jesus swinging an iconic crucifix like a two-handed broad sword to slay his opponents and a final victory ride through an awakening town that begins to celebrate their new-found freedom)
I give it 5 stars.
1) Very old movie, for those that missed that part. Saw it many years ago.
2) Hilarious premise, crap execution. Could have been something, but wasn’t.
If John Woo made a movie about Jesus returning to fight vampires, now THAT would be something.
Man, that tears it. If even this pooch can be screwed, there is no hope for cinema.
One of these things is not like the others.
More like “none of these things are anything at all like the others”, but that doesn’t scan.
Maybe they’ll fix the problems in the sequel.
I wanna read the book before I see the movie.
Recommend this site for great pleasure.