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November 3, 2012

BREAKING: SHEP SMITH SCOURING STATEN ISLAND FOR CANNIBALS

So far he’s been unsuccessful — he’s finding lots of misery, property damage, dislocation, power outages, and the sort of thing you’d find after any kind of major national disaster in a city perhaps too reliant on government services for cleanup, but as of yet no Staten Island natives squatting ape-like over the carcasses of their fellow Islanders, sawing off chunks of flesh with the lids from empty tuna cans