First militant: “Question: If ‘we’ are all Hizbullah, then why are not all of us crouched down here in earthen bunkers drinking warm water and eating stale pita pieces beside buckets of our own waste, waiting for the IDF to spread us like pistachio paste into their tank treads?” Second militant: First militant: Second militant: Second militant: “Uh, because Allah works in mysterious ways…?” First militant: “Yeah? Well, so do
July 2006
July 23, 2006
The “This poem has training wheels” poem
This poem has training wheels, because—having read it over twice now—I’m convinced it simply cannot stand alone.
July 22, 2006
a post that explores what life might be like if oatmeal could speak, 7
oatmeal: “Remember that ‘Farina’ kid from ‘Our Gang’? Well, to this day Aunt Jemima swears he wasn’t mine, but the fact is, we got loaded on gin Gibsons and bumped uglies in the coat check closet at Hal Roach’s 1919 Christmas Party, so the timing’s about right—and besides, any fool could see the boy had my smile…”
July 22, 2006
variations on a theme: The “an ordinary clock glimpsed in its moment of brief Greenwaldean* awakening†post (from the protein wisdom conceptual series)
tic tic tic tic tic ding! / beep / blip / tock / cuckoo-cuckoo! tic tic tic
July 22, 2006
That’s it! We’ve waited and waited and waited, and if the little guy doesn’t dance this time—
—You’ll do what, exactly? Boycott him? C’mon. He’s like smack to you people. Speaking of which, just two nights ago we held an intervention to help the little fella get the monkey off his back. Which, I’ll be the first to admit, was one of the most emotionally draining experiences of my life. Still, it was the right thing to do—even if it meant sedating the wretched simian with horse
July 21, 2006
Overheard inside a Beirut bunker, Friday, July 21
First Hezbollah militant: “Bad news, brother. The Zionist war machine is massed on the border and is threatening to invade on the ground. It could happen at any moment now.” Second Hezbollah militant: “Really?” First Hezbollah militant: “I shit you not.” Second Hezbollah militant: First Hezbollah militant: Second Hezbollah militant: First Hezbollah militant: “…Which is why I was wondering… How would you feel about trying a pepperoni and sausage pizza?
July 21, 2006
And so it begins, 2…
Breitbart / AP: “Israel Massing Troops on Lebanese Border”: Israel massed tanks and troops on the border Friday and warned civilians to flee Hezbollah-controlled southern Lebanon as it prepared for a likely ground invasion to set up a deep buffer zone. An Israeli envoy said it will allow aid supplies into Lebanon, a day after the United Nations warned of a growing humanitarian crisis in the country. Hezbollah militants fired
July 21, 2006
“Fatty and Duke”
Speaking of the Fatty Arbuckle scandal and it’s similarities to the execrable Duke “rape” scandal (yes, we were), here’s James Thayer, writing in the Weekly Standard: Roscoe Arbuckle was billed as Fatty, though he hated the nickname and his friends never called him by it. In 1921–back when a plumber earned about $2,600 a year–Fatty Arbuckle signed an unprecedented million dollar per-year contract with Paramount Pictures Corporation. More Americans could
July 21, 2006
a brief history of my morning (or, protein wisdom embraces existentialism)
“What do you mean ‘we’re out of Rice Chex?’ How can we be out of goddamned Rice Chex?” update: “You know what? No big deal. Just toast me up a Pop Tart, instead.”