October 10, 2012

9 things the MSM will suddenly rediscover should Romney win the Presidency

For John R

9. Yes, there really is an epidemic of homeless people. But worse than that, many of them are children. Who, when they aren’t at school or living out of their parents’ cars, have to work as gay prostitutes to support a mother who is taking community college courses as a paralegal so that she can regain the dignity she lost when George Bush broke the economy, and when the Big Banks made her sign on to a mortgage for the four bedroom house she couldn’t afford when she worked part time at the salon doing nails.
8. Mormonism as a religion not only has a cult aspect surrounding it — but its commitment to large families, which in turn produce an inordinate amount of CO2, might be one of the chief contributing factors leading to the disappearance of the polar ice caps and the death of many many many baby seals.
7. Some renowned Muslim scholars working for CNN believe that, in the Kufic script of early Arabic, the representation of “Romney” — if cited repeatedly in print — is almost guaranteed to make the moon to explode. And then where will we be?
6. Okay, so lowering taxes does lead to greater government revenues, but what good are those greater revenues when they aren’t being doled out by the government to the most needy among us, namely, those selfless entrepreneurs who have been working tirelessly to bring us green energy, electric cars, and some sort of human replacement for job killing ATMS and automated checkout lines at the Home Depot?
5. You can’t spell “yen” without “Romney.” Coincidence?
4. Borrowing money from China to pay for government programs is no different than borrowing money from the federal government to pay for your master’s degree in journalism. Just don’t pay it back! Voila. Fiscal “crisis” averted.
3. As the dollar loses value worldwide, now is the time to get back on the Gold Standard, which unfortunately we can’t do, because Mormons reportedly fear shiny objects — something you never hear spoken of, their being a secretive, cloistered cult devoted to magical undergarments to begin with. Still, we’ve heard rumors.
2. Republican politicians have kinda unhip haircuts. Will that really resonate with the younger generation of voters?
1. The teabagger party isn’t as dead as we thought it was. Instead, it lay hidden, like snakes in the grass, until it was able to overtake the Republican party and create a far right racist theocracy wherein social justice is sacrificed in the name of lower taxes — and monster truck rallies begin to replace PBS and NPR in the public consciousness, God help us.

Posted by Jeff G. @ 12:18pm

Comments (24)

  1. MSM? What MSM?

  2. now is the time to get back on the Gold Standard, which unfortunately we can’t do, because Mormons reportedly fear shiny objects

    Extremely irrelevant side point: Some time early last century (or the one before: I can’t recall), a Mormon bishop had a dream that there was gold in the hills of southeastern Utah county, and that the gold would sustain the church through hard times.

    The bishop began to search for the gold, creating the “Dream Mine,” an enterprise that far too many people bought into, despite church leaders insisting that the bishop’s dream was not and could not be a genuine revelation from God. (Only the prophet is authorized to receive revelation for the church as a whole.)

    Work in the Dream Mine ceased decades ago, but stories still surface about people who lost thousands of dollars in the hopes that they’d “save the church” by finding or investing in this mysterious lode.

    Did I mention that no gold was ever found?

    Because it wasn’t.

  3. monster truck rallies begin to replace PBS and NPR

    Don’t tease.

  4. 10. Gas Prices! Big Oil! Underinflated tires!
    11. Inflation – A Hidden Tax on the Middle-class

  5. 12. Real unemployment is around 14%, and the actual number of people employed is around the same as it was in the early 1990s.

  6. 13. There was no real recovery, and this is a depression, not a recession.

  7. 13. “Speaking Truth to Power!” is cool.
    It’s just the most basic freedom of speech to mock and ridicule the president (none of that “OMG – how dare Clint Eastwood disrespect a sitting president!” nonsense). Hey, maybe it’s time to dust off those president assassination scripts, too.

  8. 14. President-approved assassinations via drone strikesare illegal and intolerable, especially since these strikes usually kill innocent bystanders. President Romney should be brought up on war crimes, or even turned over to the ICC, if he continues this program.

  9. 15. Romney cannot attribute anything bad, such as the economy or the deficit, is a cop-out. He wanted the job, so he owns everything as of January 20, 2013. Also, anything good that happens during his presidency can be attributed to something Obama implemented.

  10. Don’t forget, 99.7% of those homeless children are veterans.

  11. I’m looking forward to hearing the real housing situation. Like how the banks are hiding huge numbers of foreclosures, and billionaire investors (like Warren Buffet, only Republican of course)are snapping up thousands homes the regular people don’t even know about.

  12. 16. Diebold!!!!!111!!!!!

  13. Newrouter, Minnesota allows voters to register on election day. You don’t even have to prove residency, just have a “neighbor” vouch for you.

    It ain’t fraud if they want to be lied to.

  14. Regarding the “baby seals” point, one of the reasons I’ve always been in favor of global warming is the hope that it would save the baby penguins. I saw that movie, “March of the Penguins”, and it was just so sad when the penguin parents let their egg roll off their feet onto the cold ground where it froze. This was sad enough in its own right, but when you think of all those lost baby penguins, you have to know that some future baby Leopard Seal will also starve to death (a horrible way to die, I’ve heard) because there won’t be enough penguins for it to eat.

    So buy a truck or SUV, drive fast, and crank up the A/C. Do it for the baby penguins. And leopard seals.

  15. According to my TV the Tea Party is really dangerous and the Muslim Brotherhood are our treasured partners in middle east peace. I might need to kill my TV. It’s done gone barmy.

  16. Current Jeff and Old Jeff make peace with each other! New Coke and Old Coke are right around the corner.

    At least until November 6th. Then can we have Old Jeff back at least until January 20th? Then–unleash Hell.

    Because you know the Left never gives up and Beltway Republicans take it up the butt if you even say “pretty please?”

  17. Pingback: Larwyn’s Linx: Someone Finally Threw Obama Under The Bus And Her Name Is Hillary Clinton | Preppers Universe

  18. Pingback: The Fat Guy » Blog Archive » That right there is funny

  19. Jeff – first off, thanks for honoring my humble request.

    17. “McJobs” or “Jobless” recovery. Cautious employers will be hiring at cautious rates until they’re convinced it makes good economic sense to do more. Disillusioned recent college grads swimming in tuition debt will perpetually bemoan the lack of $100k starting positions the evil capitalist Romney cronies are denying them that WOULD have been plenty if only we’d given the Unicorn Rider a second term.