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If, instead of a disgraced former VP candidate, John Edwards were a porcelain gravy boat

Edwards: “Aw, c’mon now, mashed potatoes, honey. I’m loaded to the brim with delicious country style — and you’ve got that hot recess in your milky smooth mound that, admit it, you’re just longing to have filled.

“So whaddya say? I mean, sure, I’m not going to deny it: I’m generally committed to chicken fried steak. But the sad truth is, that meat spoiled, leaving a big empty spot on this here plate — and frankly, my sauce just ain’t gonna keep. And that’s not my fault, baby. I’m just a regular gravy boat, with needs. Now. Just relax, let me get to drizzling, and then later, we can maybe smoke a cigarette, have a glass or two of wine, and I can tell you stories about my kids…”*

45 Replies to “If, instead of a disgraced former VP candidate, John Edwards were a porcelain gravy boat”

  1. Aldo says:

    You may be jumping the gun a little by assuming that Edwards is disgraced. There are some lonely voices out there in the Left-wing blogosphere who are unsettled by Edwards’ conduct, but they are quickly shouted down. The consensus over there seems to be that only prudish, uptight Republicans care about this kind of thing.

  2. happyfeet says:

    He doesn’t love those mashed potatoes though is what he said. If I had mashed potatoes that expensive I would love them with all my heart I think. And for sure I wouldn’t share them with my stupid campaign manager. Get your own potatoes you loser.

  3. Pablo says:

    Porcelain gravy boat: Lies! All lies, I tell you!

    Porcelain gravy boat: No pictures and no questions. Did I mention that?

  4. happyfeet says:

    Disavowing your kid on tv in front of everybody is really low-class. Elizabeth went along with it, so she’s white trash as much as he is. She really took the long way around to end up dying a tawdry white trash death I think.

  5. TaiChiWawa says:

    And that’s why there’s now a . . . “tater tot.”

  6. Silver Whistle says:

    Taters without gravy is just wrong.

  7. Sdferr says:

    The two Edwardses behave kinda like corporations, instead of like people. Whether Mrs. Edwards is like Waste Management or not…?

  8. Russ says:

    Goldstein FTW.

    Appropriately enough, the blurb quote on this page as I view it is: “Jeff Goldstein is the funniest man on the internet.”

  9. Clint says:

    Mashed taters with lots of butter and a little bit of gravy is good, but really I prefer it if the gravy stays over there on the turkey and leaves the taters alone while it’s all on my plate. Thanks.

  10. Slartibartfast says:

    Taters? What’s “taters”?

  11. Silver Whistle says:

    Taters? What’s “taters”?

    Them’s Irish beefsteaks.

  12. Patrick says:

    Is a tater anything like a taint? Because that’s a gravy of a whole different type we’re putting on that.

  13. Pablo says:

    Taters? What’s “taters”?

    Big, scotch swilling Texans, I believe.

  14. Silver Whistle says:

    Oh, Pablo. Them there’s some quality taters.

  15. Education Guy says:

    Taters? What’s “taters”?

    Give it to us raw and w-r-r-riggling; you keep nasty chips.

  16. JD says:

    I am not exactly sure how, but I am sure this is all just code-word racism.

  17. happyfeet says:

    No but for real those are metaphorical taters, you guys. It’s hard to explain. You have to make an intuitive leap kind sorta.

  18. Silver Whistle says:

    Happy,

    After 2 pints of mojitos, I’d better keep it to real taters.

  19. happyfeet says:

    Oh. My Friday is still mostly nascent.

  20. Silver Whistle says:

    It’s 20:08, and I’m celebrating.

  21. TheGeezer says:

    After 2 pints of mojitos

    I’m still 1.52301 hours away from my first Jim Beam of the day, stone sober, but still think the gravy boat should just spill it on the tablecloth.

  22. Silver Whistle says:

    I’m still 1.52301 hours away from my first Jim Beam of the day

     Not that you’re counting…

  23. dicentra says:

    I’m not sure how it helps Mr. Gravy Boat’s situation to tell his other taters that he wasn’t in love with the steaming pile of mash.

    Because then his taters can only conclude that she’s stuck with a gravy boat that heartlessly uses mashed taters, then leaves ’em.

    Note to the other gravy boats out there: If caught, say you were hopelessly in love with her starchy soul, that it seemed like a spiritual connection, like destiny, but it was just an illusion, and boy am I a fool.

    “It was only a blue-plate special gravy volcano” doesn’t help matters.

  24. urthshu says:

    Well, the gravy is slang I think.

  25. McGehee says:

    “But baby, what was I supposed to do? She let me peel her!”

  26. SarahW says:

    Some gravy boats, get chipped, and then you turn them into planters.

  27. SarahW says:

    They’re nice for grape hyacinth bulbs.

  28. urthshu says:

    I think Edwards would have to be this gravy boat.

  29. happyfeet says:

    You can also fake it. The planter. Also you can throw chipped gravy boats in the trash. So what we know so far about chipped gravy boats is you can put real plants in them, you can put fake plants in them and also a hot glue gun is involved, or you can throw them away.

  30. The Lost Dog says:

    When I first looked at the banner, I thought it said “…<iwore a gravy boat”.

    That was pretty amusing in itself.

  31. The Lost Dog says:

    There’s my legendary HTML skills poking their ugly mug out again!

  32. The Lost Dog says:

    SW,

    20:08?

    Are you in Iceland or sumpin’?

  33. Salt Lick says:

    As Walter Mondale said, “Gravy is just ‘shit on a shingle’ — without the beef.”

  34. Sdferr says:

    SW dropped long/lat co-ordinates here once (in connection with a car for sale/ or gift?) that pointed to a peninsula in Scotland, I think it was.

  35. SarahW says:

    And what would JE have really brought to the table?

  36. happyfeet says:

    I had to really think who JE was. Can I go home now?

  37. Silver Whistle says:

    Are you in Iceland or sumpin’?

     No, Lost Dog, just the People’s Republic of Caledonia.

  38. The Lost Dog says:

    “No, Lost Dog, just the People’s Republic of Caledonia.”

    Cool. I was just wondrin’, ’cause it was only 16:08 on the Easr coast here. I was afraid that maybe you had fallen off of a cruise ship somewhere in the Atlantic.

  39. Bob Reed says:

    Edwards is like a fine wdgewood gravy boat fille with some of that canned, pre-made crap, gravy that you get at the store–all good looks, but ZERO substance. And, Reille is like those really bad, new age improved, instant mashed potatoes. Looks good, but after a couple of bites you realize just how nasty they are. But, those two phonies are a match made in heaven. I just wonder which of the two America’s they live in? Seen any $15,000/month trailers lately?

    And, what kind of wine will they have afterward? The petulant Ruffino chianti perhaps???

  40. Rusty says:

    Oh Great. I’m supposed to be on a diet and all I can think of is boiled new potatos with butter and dill.

    Another reason not to vote democratic.

  41. happyfeet says:

    Democrats say you can’t dill your way out of this problem, Rusty.

  42. Pablo says:

    And whatever you do, no trackbacks.

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