Something wicked this way came — and I’m afraid it settled in my left ear like a Tom Tancredo cross-border gordita invasion. Consequently, I’m feeling a bit under the weather — not to mention violated in a rather intimate way.
— Though, let me be perfectly clear: what I experienced was not aural sex. In fact, such violations have everything to do with power and nothing to do with intimacy — and no, the fact that I was wearing a diamond chip earring and had slugged down four or five scotch and sodas and a couple lemon drop shooters when this malady pinned me down atop a pinball machine and thrust itself inside my head does not mean I was “asking for it.”
God bless you, Kelly McGillis.
The point of all this being that I’m probably going to take it easy today. I have to do a segment for the new Pajamas Media XM radio show later this afternoon (though no one will tell me what it is they want me to do), so it’s probably best I rest for a while.
If nothing else, I can dream of those days when my ear was still pure — and in so doing, regain a bit of my personal dignity.
And if that doesn’t work, I’ll try some Sudafed or something.
OPEN THREAD!
Guest posters, feel free to add a few posts to keep this sumbitch rolling along in my absence.
Pajamas what?
Hope you get that rapist burrito out of your ear soon. Is that referred to as burritophilia?
JD:
BURRITIST!!!
I swear by Claritan D. Good for all your meth-making needs, and cold/sinus/allergy related ailments. It’s just about as versatile as duct tape.
I confess, I have an irrational fear of having 7-layer burritos with extra beans, extra sour cream, and loads of hot sauce jammed into my aural canal. If that makes me phobic, so be it.
It helps with snoring too, Carin.
Jeff:
Your ears, they are like the fertile heartland for infection, n’est pas?
What is the equivalent of a 200 megaton hydrogen bomb for the canal?
BJ – The equivalent is to take the quickly processed end result of said burrito, which is a stream so vile that it could cut through diamonds.
So, uh, I wasn’t around yesterday. Anybody want to point me to the post/comment where this “Brainwash” stuff is explained?
Was the brain wash conducted through Jeff’s ear? Because that could be irritating.
More oppression at the hands of the viralarchy!!!
So, what’s with this lame AFF/Brainwash banner? And no, I don’t care if Sean already asked.
Meh. Collins posted a bunch of crap in the Pub, if you’re into that shit.
Jeff, a word of warning. I had what I thought were the cruds (earache, swollen glands, slight temp) but it turned out I had an impacted molar, sumbitch pushed all the way up into my sinus cavity.
Had to see an oral surgeon.
So be careful.
That John McCain ad is creepy.
BURRITOPHOBIC!!!
Was the tympanic membrane torn during the ordeal? Cause then you’re ear’s really screwed. Technically speaking.
you’re –> your
You’re a little late, I’m already torn.
I roke my left thum playing asketall and I’m still typing. Not to e a uttinsky.
Don’t bother with Sudafed.. Just use a clean Q-Tip to clean out your ear and get that damn armadillo a female “friend” or a conjugal visit at the zoo or something….
I don’t think an armadillo is “BIG” enough to actually break your tympanic maidenhead though… I could be wrong of course…
It’s been a while since I had a good ear job.
Iraq will do that to you.
Among other things.
For instance: I could swear that I’m having hallucinations from 1994. O.J.’s under arrest, Hillary’s talking health care, and David Caruso still has one acting move that inevitably involves the phrase “No, it doesn’t…Does it?”
Creepy.
I didn’t know you had a monkey…
They want you to talk about Talk Like a Pirate Day, Jeff.
Jeff,
Ominous confluence of events here: your ear infection at the same time that you start using AFF Brainwash. Did they use some ingredients from China? Did anybody else use your brainwash before you did? Maybe the Armadillo used it for something, er, inappropriate before you got to it and didn’t clean up afterwards. You just can’t be too careful these days.
T&T
Protein Wisdom disappears from the top nav bar when you go anywhere else in the “AFF Network.” I think that’s wrong.
Get better soon. The better half had something similar around the time we went to the Police concert, and I was dreading the notion of carrying her around Grant’s Farm. It took antibiotics and bed rest to clear it up…
I glanced and saw “Kelly McGillis” and I thought you were saying something about giving yourself an Amish spongebath out of galvanized bucket and I quickly looked away. *shiver*
what I experienced was not aural sex
So in other words, you can still say, “My virgin ears.”?
I wish I could.
Horror story: I sometimes get psoriasis in my ear canals. Once I scratched them so hard with a bobby pin that I broke the skin. Big Ugly Infection set in, swelling both ear canals shut, and I spiked a fever of 103 two nights running.
I had to get wicks inserted in both ears, a $100 antibiotic shot, Cipro drops, and Lortab just to dull the pain of my tender eardrums enough to sleep (no insurance, either).
Not. Worth. It.
Well, if we’re going to tell ear horror stories – a few years back I got an ear infection. AS AN ADULT. Go figure. They are awfully painful, that’s why babies always cry so hard when they get them. Anyway, by the time I got to a doctor, it was too late, and my eardrum burst later than night (before the antibiotics could take affect.) It wasn’t really so bad (the pain went away pretty fast, but my hearing was shot for weeks afterward.
You know, I thought I’d take the moral high ground and point out that I’m not making any jokes about what came in your left ear.
Guess that ship has sailed.
What is this Pajamas Media XM radio thing you speak of? I believe I have the linkage, and yet I am not connected. Please advise.
This just in, via Lucianne.com:
Dan Rather Sues CBS, Viacom for $70M
“NEW YORK (AP) – Former CBS news anchor Dan Rather filed a $70 million lawsuit Wednesday against the network, former corporate parent Viacom Inc., and three of his former bosses. ”
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8RONTR80&show_article=1
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!
I hope he wins really.
I’ve heard that Franklin Foer and Scott Beauchamp are going to sue The Weekly Standard and Confederate Yankee for Libel, Slander and, most importantly, “Willful unwillingness to just let The Narrative™ roll along without the impedance of inconvenient facts.”
Nifong had agreed to be their lawyer once he’s done dropping trou and bending over for all of the Duke lacrosse players and their families.
Bj – Nifong is likely judgment proof, and I doubt that any professional liability coverage carried by himself, the City, or the County will cover his intentional unlawful actions. He will not be bending over for anyone. unfortunately.
So, nobody’s going to answer my questions about the new AFF/Brainwash stuff?
WHAT ARE YOU NEOCON WINGERS HIDING?!!
1) All is forgiven.
2) Those Brainwash kids had better get their skates on, like Happyfeet said. Once you leave PW, there’s no link back. Or is that some kind of deliberate reverse-Hotel-California thing?