Let me guess. His one dramatic flaw? Sometimes he cares just too damn much…!
Jesus. It’s like the entire US entertainment industry has been taken over by George Clooney’s puppies.
I’ve got an idea. Let’s show our appreciation for this rape of our childhoods by coming up with a list of potential taglines for the upcoming film — offered free of charge should Paramount choose to use one of them.
Here, I’ll get us started: “He is all man. Except for the molded plastic crotch where his balls should be.
“I blame Bush.”
(h/t STACLU)
G.I. Joe Sells Out To Politically Correct Globalists…
This is completely outrageous and ridiculous!
In the politically correct new millennium, G.I. Joe bears no resemblance to the original.
Paramount has confirmed that in the movie, the name G.I. Joe will become an acronym for “Global Integrated J…
STOP MINING MY CHILDHOOD YOU PROGRESSIVE TWATS!
God. Why do they have to destroy my past like this? As if Underdog wasn’t enough of a slap in the face to decent children everywhere.
What’s next? Strawberry Shortcake as a Iraqi girl driven to life on the streets because of the US occupation of Iraq?
Brian, stop giving them ideas!
You think Bush stole G.I. Joe’s balls? Consider the dastardliness of the deed and I think you’ll see the light.
To steal G.I. Joe’s balls is typical of a man who’d rearrange his best friend’s face with a shotgun. And don’t question if he ate those Joe-balls after roasting ’em over an open camp fire.
Dick Cheney is meaner than buckshot.
Hollywood: Stealing your childhood, breaking off the good parts, and selling you back the broken pieces.
GI Joe, In his mighty kung fu grip….is a copy of the Kyoto Treaty!
Would you share a fox hole with this man? Don’t ask, don’t tell.
America is a disease. G.I. J.o.e.’s got the proscription.
International Task Force ? The UN can kung fu grip my dick…
If Joe joins any task force it’s going to be TEAM AMERICA ! FUCK YEAH!
So GI Joe is now more like, say, Ken. Or is it even worse? He could be Allen.*
*Allen was Ken’s “friend.” I don’t know how long he was part of Barbie World.
I am at an almost complete loss for words. I think brian said it well.
STOP MINING MY CHILDHOOD YOU PROGRESSIVE TWATS!
Hasbro needs to file an all-American lawsuit.
The Nouveaux Adventures of GI Jacque!
Thrill in wonder as he chases those pesky independent investigators out of Kofi’s backyard!
And moralizing is half the battle…
Frankly, all I want–all I really want–is the voice of Cobra Commander to be played by the same guy who played him in the 80’s cartoon (the Starscream guy).
Ah crap…I thought one better:
And consensus is half the battle…
from Variety:
also…
So Hasbro is on board. Maybe you’ll want to remember this at Christmastime.
This summer…
In a fictional Middle Eastern pastiche land that is quite obviously a stand-in for Iraq…
Private Joe Johnson will do what it takes…
Private Johnson: Bob’s in that building Sergeant! I need to get in there and get him out!
Sergeant Hardass: GODDAMMIT JOHNSON YOU’RE A LOOSE CANNON, GET BEHIND ME OR I SWEAR I’LL HAVE YOU COURT-MARTIALED!
Private Johnson: I can’t do that!
Far from home, Joe Johnson will find that true courage dwells within…
Private Roberts: Wow Joe, I can’t believe you killed all those insurgents in that spectacular CGI battle sequence with your bare hands and not inflicting any civilian casualties! Clearly we should expect everyone to be able to do that!
One way in, no way out…
Colonel Headinbutt: Remember how you were going home next month? Well guess what? YOU ALL GOT STOP-LOSSED FOUR MORE MONTHS IN COUNTRY FOR YOU OLOLOLOL
Sergeant Hardass: Fuck.
Private Roberts: FUCK.
Private Johnson: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
With a special cameo by Sean Penn as the selfless idealist…
Sean Penn: WAR IS BAD. I HATE REPUBLICANS AND YOU SHOULD TOO.
Get ready…
Private Melanin: You can tell I’m going to die in a heart-moving scene protecting my friends because I’m the only character who’s a minority. (Insert random ethnic humor here.)
This summer…
Private Johnson: I finally captured you, insurgent mastermind! But now I realize the folly of war and instead will attempt to realize my dream of solving the world’s problems through dialogue and mutual understanding!
Insurgent mastermind (played by actor of incorrect ethnicity): LOL HOMOFAG *shoots him*
One man… one mission…
Private Roberts: Take that implausibly good shot from a ridiculous angle insurgent mastermind! Oh my God Johnson, you’re bleeding everywhere!
Private Melanin: Get him out of here, I’ll stand in the middle of this ammunition depot and hold them off with my machine gun! Oh shit, WHY IS EVERYTHING EXPLODING OW!
Private Johnson: Oh my God, Melanin NOOOOOOOOOOO.
Private Roberts: Don’t talk, you’re dying!
Private Johnson: I have something I need to tell you!
Private Roberts: Tell me later, you need to stop talking!
Private Johnson: Tell my mom… not to ride my corpse to advance her politics… ugh
Private Roberts: JOHNSON NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Yo, Joe!
The scene where they spend three weeks polishing their tanks while awaiting a U.N. resolution to authorize a hostage rescue is going to be suspenseful.
Did they make C.O.B.R.A. Jews, too? You know, to satisfy “international audiences.”
Annoyance: the article gets “G.I.” wrong. That never meant “government issue.” Missed opportunity for a point of irony there, since the new G.I. Joe is a waste-product of bureaucracy, while the other was a cool toy some old guy invented. No one wants a fucking N.G.O.I. Soros doll to shake at people while making pew-pew-pew noises. Yet here it comes.
They’re doing a new A-Team series, too, you know. Only it’s the B-Team, comprised of sensitive metrosexual beta-males.
Guess we’ll hear — “Team, this is all my fault, because I am a racist. I was overzealous, I let racism cloud my judgment. I believed terrorists were Middle Eastern Islamofascist. How stupid! Now, we’ll all go through re-education!”
Instead of — “Great job, team. You drilled two holes through their dicks, so that when they pee it shoots out in all different directions. Motha Fuckas! Now, head back to base for debriefing and cocktails.”
Cobra wasn’t involved in 9/11!
“They’re doing a new A-Team series, too, you know. Only it’s the B-Team, comprised of sensitive metrosexual beta-males.”
Their archenemies? Those fiends from W.E.E.N.I.E.!
Ah, taglines. “We’ve spent two generations making you hate the American GI, and we’re not about to stop now!”
Though if they cast Scarlett Johanson as Scarlett, I’d probably rent the DVD. Especially if there’s a shower scene.
From the Foxnews article:
That’s at least as big a factor as LA-LA-Land liberalism. In this age of home video, streaming video, direct-to-dvd perdition, and Doppler-like ballooning star salaries, the studios have to wring every last cent out of the theater releases. They need those overseas audiences, just to keep the stockholders calm.
If the studios are going to pander to the worldviews of overseas audiences, then they might choose less emotionally charged material to alter.
So I don’t buy the economic argument as being divorced from the ideological one — though I understand that on a certain level, the studios are able to convince themselves of such.
Granted, it has been awhile since I was over there, but the last time I was in Europe the opinion of the average dude in the street about America was not as negative as the media portrayed it. Not even close. Get outside of the Elites and the Media and most people seemed to like being friends with us and our military.
You could never, and I mean never, convince me that making GI Joe, a fucking AMERICAN icon, some foot solider for an international task force was not absolutely intentional. That it happens to coincide with their desire to market more aggressively overseas is but a fortuitous coincidence.
Yet another reason for why the only movie I’ve seen in the theater in the last five years was “The Simpsons Movie.”
Is it too late for them to get Brian DePalma to direct?
Exactly – those economics only apply in the “blockbuster” genre with $150M budgets, and so it’s stupid on its face to greenlight a blockbuster project built around a property steeped in American jingoism and gamble that an artful acronym will overcome 60+ years of marketing.
I think Jeff is being unduly dismissive of this transformation of the GI Joe brand into an international force, which, after all, could provide many opportunities to transcend cultural differences by providing a host of endearing characters from different parts of the world. For instance, the force might include:
1) A gruff, alcoholic Russian non-commissioned officer who savagely beats and sodomizes new recruits
2) An Italian special operations officer who specializes in paying ransom for hostages
3) A zany Saudi religious fanatic who must be restrained from attacking non-observant Islamic females.
4) A dedicated United Nations commander (of unspecified European origin) who is relentless in tracking down violators of international law….unless said violators deposit money into his Bahamian account. The action figure comes with his own Mercedes and Lear jet (mistresses from four continents may be purchased separately).
5) A Belgian, who must remain locked in an armored, climate-controlled box because his countries restrictive engagement policies don’t allow him to be exposed to actual danger.
As I alluded to in my tagline above: it comes as no surprise at all that having spent two generations portraying U.S. soldiers as fucked-up sociopathic killbots led by sadistic officers and incompetent policymakers, the studios have effectively countered the goodwill that our servicemen fought and died to win. Little wonder that they’re worried about the overseas market, when they’ve worked so hard to eliminate it.
Given the option of making a movie that might finally begin to undo the damage accumulated over the past 40 years, they decide instead to duck the issue and go the blue-helmet route. Once again proving that they’ve no shame when it comes to their anti-patriotism. And don’t tell me it’s about money — these guys are more than happy to bankroll losers when it casts the right people in a bad light.
What’s sad is that with each passing movie season, more and more people come to believe their propaganda, shrinking the pool of recruits and creating a disincentive to service (“who wants to be a sociopathic killbot?” and “who wants to sacrifice himself in order to protect these assholes?” are each counterproductive questions in their own way).
“G.I. Joe. The Global Test has a new warrior. But this time his hair won’t fall out in sandboxes.”
(I hated when that happened.)
All I remember is GI Joe was too short for Barbie, but Ken was gay. So you went dancing with Captain Lazer.
Whether for ideology or economics, the studios are giving greater weight to the likes of the audience abroad than at home. Betcha never thought that movie audiences could be outsourced.
Consider this post my attempt at a market correction, then, SI.
SI, it may just be bonus, but I think they enjoy wrecking your memories. The reinvention might make money, but I’m sure it’s a joy to scrape the mindthoughts of a brainwashed generation off his boots. Oh, and for bringing a tiger to school? Expulsion.
I can see how name-recognition and toy-molds and rights and all that marketing infrastructure would be a reason for not just making up some new action-figure set, and I guess that’s among the reasons they decided to reinvent Joe instead of create an altogether new toyline. But it seems apparent that appropriating Joe, and not merely reiventing him, is calculated as a selling point. The rogue American is captured!, and is, following some careful re-education, ready to stop stabbing octopuses for OOOOOOil and toget down to business of cooling the planet and asking people on the road how the children are doing.
Come on, “Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity?” WTF?
Why not call it “Bass: Blovating Assclowns Sending Sanctions”
or “Jackoffs: Joint Operations Command of Kickbacks, Oversites, Felons and Fucktards Sucking” or why not “Pussies” (that’s not an acronym, just a name)
I suspect this movie will do as well as the Superman Returns that got rid of all that yucky “American Way” stuff – that movie did really well, right? [http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/superman_returns/numbers.php]
Mind you it had a production budget of $270,000,000
Join the multinational troopers of G.I.J.O.E. in their first mission to stop their evil nemesis C.O.B.R.A.(Corps Of Bush-Rove Automatons) in their diabolical quest to systematically rape and murder all young Arabic girls across the Islamic Caliphate.
Who wants to make odds that these international non offending blinkies drive to their bloodless conflicts in Beetle convertables.
Or Mini Coopers…
Oh, hell just have ’em bike there why doncha!
These people have forgotten that of all the war related toy action figures, G.I. Joe survived more bottle rockets than any of ’em. BECAUSE HE WAS AMERICAN!!!!!
G.I.J.O.E.; Building consensus and lining pockets multi culturally!
JOE: OK, Men….
JOE: OK, ladies and gentlemen…..
JOE: OK, ladies and gentlemen and differently gendered, we have COBRA trapped in their top secret mountain lair, and we need to make just one more assault and this war is over.
Ladies and gentlemen and differently gendered, our final orders have arrived: we are to take……BROKEBACK MOUNT OLYMPUS!!!!!
Tagline: The new progressive soldier: Eight inches tall and dickless.
I will be boycotting this one.
$20 bucks says they make Snake Eyes gay.
Ards:
Ditto! Completely unacceptable! Picketing may be in order!
If you are going to picket, you have to let your hair grow down past your shoulders, quit washing it, quit washing yourself altogether, pick up some beat up sandals from Goodwill, and dress like you are colorblind. You also need to carefully plan the slogans for your placards.
I vote for “nobloodforgaygijoe”
I was thinking more along the lines of Pablo mobilising his group and RTO mobilising his group and we picket dressed as GI Joe complete with M-16’s and Rambo style headbands.
I would look like a complete weener idiot but others may pull it off and I’m willing to be humiliated for American Joe!!!
#24 Sanity Inspector
That’s at least as big a factor as LA-LA-Land liberalism. In this age of home video, streaming video, direct-to-dvd perdition, and Doppler-like ballooning star salaries, the studios have to wring every last cent out of the theater releases. They need those overseas audiences, just to keep the stockholders calm.
Paramount has to have a script acceptable to rent out for their European subsidy (England and Germany) and the proper storyline to make their movie script lobbyists happy (some environmentalist angle).
I saw above COBRA [Corps Of Bush-Rove Automatons] but Coalition of Oil Barons and Rich Americans will do.
Couldn’t they have just used the Teletubbies-at least it wouldn’t piss me off as much.
Losing Hearts & Minds…
And I know exactly who the bad guys will be… Paramount has already disclosed them to me: 1)Evil Corporations; 2) Israelis, Jews, Neocons; 3) Evil CEOs; 4) Oil Corporations; 5) Health Insurance Company CEOs; 6)Christian fundamentalists…
I have to admit, I would laugh–out loud–at a character named “Private Johnson.”
No matter how stupid the rest of the movie is.
The international market line is bull-honkey. The American market just about always represents more ticket sales than damned-near the rest of the world combined.
Also, as a nerd/fanboy, I’d hate any change; this one is just asmong the worst possible. These sorts of movies are goldmines that practically write themselves! And Hollywood still can mess them up. Example: Transformers (I did like it, but it should have been better). Okay, more giant robots, or crappy 2d people-characters no one gives half a shit about? Answer: MORE GIANT ROBOTS. Jesus H. Tap-dancing Christ, it’s like they are dumb on purpose.
Ya gotta remember, there are some things the movie folks have to do, or they’ll be ignored at parties (or — horror! — not even invited) and have a hard time finding the right cock to suck for a job.
Among those necessary things is spitting on the US. Wiping their ass on American icons is just as good.
Looks like Hasbro is off the list for Christmas this year. There’s a neat toy store that just opened up on Travis AFB near where I work that has assorted US action figures from WW2 on up. The Grandson will be getting those this year.
It’s as if they were going to do a remake of Patton, but with Heath Ledger in the title role.
I have bad memories of GI Joe. Phillip Sharpless’s mom gave me and my brother one, because her husband wouldn’t let Phillip have dolls. My dad whipped our asses when he found us in the garden building a fire around him after we’d crucified him onto a couple of twigs.
– Nuke his ball-less crouch frpm orbit Sargent…..its the only way to be sure….
…MATTEL – Fuck Yeh!!!!!!!!!
Tag Lines:
–…In a world where all your hummvies are up to their oil pans in water….
…A new wind that sinks of burnt plastic is about to Blow….
…This time PAYBACKS for REAL….
The GI Joe Knockout Action Set!
Comes complete with UN resolutions, blue helmets, and white flags. Underage African prostitute figures sold separately.
It’s as if they were going to do a remake of Patton, but with Heath Ledger in the title role.
And they would make Ledger-Patton be all sweet to the shell-shock guy. REEEEEAL sweet.
“And they would make Ledger-Patton be all sweet to the shell-shock guy.”
He got promoted for slapping himself when the kid cried.
Seems Heath’s wife is dumping him. Something about Wilbur.
As Mutt once said, in a famous WWII “Mutt and Jeff” cartoon, “I already have a Purple Heart. How about a couple aspirin?”
Joe, like the Dude, endures. No matter what the toy makers or movie makers try to do to his “image”, any small boy who gets one will use it the same way – to kill bad guys in as grisly a fashion as can be devised.
Say it with me: “Go, Joe, go!”
I thought the Dude abode.
So the bad guy is a Scottish arms dealer? GI Joe will be spending his time chasing some dude in a skirt? That’s just wrong on so many levels..
Destro was Scottish. That may be the only thing they get right in the entire movie.
I think my rallying cry for this movie will be “no money for fucktards!”
This is pretty much like a re-make of Gilligans Island with The Skipper being a wraithlike hooked mass-murderer, The Millionaire and his Wife being a grubby bums, The Professor being a useless PoliSci grad student, Gilligan played by Vin Diesel and Ginger and Mary Anne played by actresses weighing no less than 450lbs combined.
Oh, and the island is inhabited by 4 million people, and there’s no boat.
I note that the Fox News article, after (as noted by the Sanity Inspector in #24) explaining the studio’s motivation for altering Joe’s genesis and raison d’etre, goes on to say “The film will be directed by Stephen Sommers, produced by Di Bonaventura Films  which just did the highly successful “Transformers” movie…” Isn’t that the “Transformers” movie that featured American soldiers in a heroic light, pretty much from start to finish? And yet it was successful, you say? No, *highly* successful! Wow, it’s almost as if people *will* go and see a film that shows American soldiers as good guys, if only *that film doesn’t suck.*
What would Mitchell Paige say?
GIJOE becoming global peacekeepers is merely the first step. I’m thinking that they’ll become anti-American insurgents/rogue operators and then eventually they’ll become JIHAD JOE. (Or, perhaps, JIHAD MOE).
If the prospects of reading about Homeland Security investigating a rather grisly parody of Jihad Joe and CSI, I’ll make a self-referential link to Superhero Nation at http://www.superheronation.com/blog/2007/11/21/thanksgiving-scene-of-the-day/ .
–BMac @ http://www.superheronation.com
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i love watching GI Joe, both the cartoon series and the movie. I am hoping that they would make a sequel. `
Would there be a sequel to the last G.I. JOE movie? iron man has a sequel already. .`
GI JOE cartoons and the GI JOE Movie are all great stuff ~;”
i remeber GI JOE when i was still a kid, this was my favorite cartoon*~: