So I’m at Sears today, checking out the new KitchenAid dishwashers, when out of the corner of my eye I catch sight of a table saw at 30% off!
Instantly I was aroused. Could have drilled through a pile of flagstones, in fact, had there been a pressing need to do so just then. And my nipples? Like tiny diamond drill bits hunting about for some unsuspecting glass to carve up.
Had to run outside and have a smoke, if you want to know the truth…
Christ, am I ever a man or what…?
Nipple rapist.
Huh. Well I think it’s a good post, anyway, Jeff.
Whatever. I’m going to work out.
I guess they can’t handle the truth.
Sears tools are fer fags. If’n ya saw some of the Swedish stuff like I have, your nipples woulda broken clean off. hehee
Well if you can figure out a way to make a table saw cool your beer and arugula, I say go for it.
Jeff–Did you know it’s six hours later in the Pub?
It’s happy hour Dan.
Forever and ever.
Swedish tools may be better than Sears, but I once returned a Craftsman socket wrench after fitting a 5 foot pipe over the handle and jumping up and down on it to change a tractor tire.
The salesperson only asked, “How long was the pipe”?
…get that kind of service from our European friends?
Ha, Cowboy! Your pipe’s only 5′ long?
LOL!
I love men.
ccoffer:
whadda ya got some of them Felcher tools? Because I haven’t seen anything more overpriced than that precious shit since Prada handbags. For the little woman, of course.
Hey now! I dig Craftsman hand tools just fine. In fact, I have a bigass rollaway full of them.
Festo and Fein are not overpriced. They are more like Rolls Royce than Prada. As far as analogy goes, anyway.
Hell.. when my wife sent me to Sears to get the washer and dryer in their ad I came back with a new table saw, drill press, 100 piece Craftsman socket wrench set and a ride on mower… and we dont even have a yard..or a garage… That’s fuckin-A manly.
A table saw? That’s for lazy sissies who don’t like callouses on their hands. I ripped sixteen feet of baseboard with a handsaw once.
The last time I was at Sears I bought a 12-pack of Thong underwear. For my dad. For Fathers Day. He has no ass. Never has really.
Hey, I’m just trying to fit in here…..with all you damned weirdos.
Yeah, I’ve broken loose the ONE nut that holds an RX-7 flywheel on the crankshaft that way; Craftsman 2′ breaker bar w/ 1/2-3/4 adapter, and about a 75mm socket (which I still have, 20 years later, because it’s sinful to throw away good tools). Had to brace the flywheel against the ground with a piece of angle iron (steel, actually) drilled out so I could bolt it to the flywheel using the clutch cover bolts.
The breaker bar lived, though.
But…
I was gonna make espresso!
Christ, am I ever a man or what…?
I’ll have to check with Henley or Greenwald and get back to you.
I got a full set of DeWalt cordless tools, and they have managed to not break despite my repeated attempts to make them do things that they were not designed to do. Also, my Kobalt air tools are about as tough as I have run across. Good stuuf, they are.
KEEP THAT PERVERT AWAY FROM THE AIR TOOLS!
What.
What, electric power tools? Pussies.
Once you go pneumatic, you never go back.
Ric – Pervents and air tools sounds like a bad combination.
McGehee – I am fond of the air hammer. Sometimes I just wander around the yard and garage, looking for things to destroy with it.
Yes, but were they coke-glazed nipples?
I’m not sure, but I swear I just saw Larry Craig walk into the next stall, muttering “nipples” under his breath.
Dude, I’m pretty sure real men don’t talk about it when their nipples get hard.
Jeff,
I have three Mieles, and you have to put your ear to them to see if they’re running or not.
Sears is the way to go- something breaks, they don’t fix it. They bring you a new one.
When I moved into this house I found half of a rusty pipe wrench in the well that holds the water meter out on the front lawn.
It went back to sears, I got a new one.
I was so manly that day that I sprouted goat horns and every woman who saw me that day had a spontaneous pregnancy. In fact, there was a nun in sporting goods that day who actually gave birth to twins while I was in the checkout line, twins who walked over to the bowflex knockoff and benchpressed 300 pounds. They caused such a ruckus I had to tie their beards together and hammer-throw them up to Canada where they invented ice-road trucking, without trucks.
Hell, Jeff, a real man would grow an extra arm.
That way you could hold a beer, flip a burger and scratch your balls, all at the same time!
LMC–
Great stuff, but could you add a little more violence?
Dan – LMC left off the part about giving the ice road trucking nuns a mushroom bruise.
And if you tell that to the kids today, Lost My Cookies, they don’t believe you. Pfft.
I once laid 12″ concrete block thirty feet over concrete docksplank in a December gale right off Lake Michigan when it was 15 degrees. We had to chloride the mud to keep it from freezing in place. Wall was moving back and forth a couple inches in the gale so we were hitting a moving target.
Had it come down, which it was fixin to do, it would have taken the entire crew and that thirty feet of scaffold with it. We danced on the wall and laughed and laughed. Right in the teeth of that gale. At coffee, we left the truck heaters off and stripped to our waists while munching on frozen bear sandwiches.
That wall sagged 2″ when it finally thawed, three months later. But we were at the bar that day, hefting waitresses, two on each arm. What Jeff describes is a mild involuntary reaction, the kind of which they build Home Depots to honor.
I hear he’s really at his best snowplowing 3/4 of Denver without ever turning the key.
> #Comment by N. O’Brain on 9/5 @ 7:21 am #
> Hell, Jeff, a real man would grow an extra arm.
> That way you could hold a beer, flip a burger
> and scratch your balls, all at the same time!
That’s what the extra-long BBQ tongs are for, fool.