oatmeal: “You know, I’ve tried everything to sex up my image — from adding maple and brown sugar to going instant — and still I’m known primarily for lowering cholesterol and for being endorsed by the AHA.
“I’m like Boomer porridge — only without the cocaine or the self-importance.
“May as well just slap Mick Fleetwood on my box and market me as carbon credit.
“But just so’s you know, I was at Woodstock, man — sucking blotter paper with Hendrix and Mountain while you grungy Gen Xers were still swimming around in you daddy’s sack, plotting one day to inflict a live action Transformers movie on us.
“Ungrateful punks.”
Oooh, Grampa, tell us some more about your feelings about Richard Nixon. We neeeeever get tired of hearing about that!
I apologize for unleashing Michael Bay on the world, oatmeal. But you’ve got to admit that this is probably your fault.
Are you happy with your hula hoop now, you bastard?
Rasberries and a pinch of fleur-del-sel, and my oatbran keeps its whore mouth shut.
Tricky Dick? What about him?
The worst thing that paranoid asswipe ever did to this country was stick us with Jimmy Freakin’ Carter, Gentleman Peanut Farmer.
But on the other hand, he did inspire the Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again”, so whadda ya want? Stop snivelin’, huh?
SB: wineskin self-de
fence!
My last oatmeal thingy was all about being “arthritis friendly” or somesuch. Cause you pulled a tab to open it, as opposed to what I couldn’t tell you. It made me feel like I was really part of the solution though.
This post wouldn’t be poking fun at any commenter in particular, would it?
Not that I care, but it might be me, and I hate to be ridiculed and not know it.
You buy French salt? What I have to say kind of reluctantly is that what you don’t get to do is feel like you are really part of the solution, because that’s just so so wrong.
It’s really just Morton’s Kosher salt run through a mill.
But nuance is important to whore oatbran.
Ah, trickery. I like.
I just saw your two page spread in Men’s Health and I gotta say you look pretty good for an old guy…but lose the ski poles, they make you look like a douche.
Yes, more of a douche than a full-grown man reading Men’s Health on an airplane.
It is to possible.
Stop making fun of me!
That’s strange.
All my oatmeal says is blub……blub……blurp……blub……
Since I eat the damned stuff in its original form, dry, every single morning you can’t imagine what it has to say. But my numbers are good on the cholestrol front so I don’t complain. But what it says before I put it into a cup is unprintable..so there!!
grape nuts: “…..whatever oatmeal. I keep getting shit for not having either grape or nuts in the box, and you could use me for driveway gravel once I dry out. But I did inspire the Burke Sisters, (http://burkesgrapenuts.com/) which I’m sure helped a few 14 year olds past puberty…….man, those were the DAYS….”
Apple Jacks: “No grapes or nuts, huh? I feel ya, man. You just need to turn it into a positive, like I did.”
Oatmeal, I hate to break it to you, but Snap, Crackle and Pop are over in the corner pointing and snickering at you.
Mmmmm, Grape Nuts. Gotta let ’em soak a few minutes, though.
Oatmeal…yum! Stir in a scoop of chocolate protein powder — reduce cholesterol AND build muscles. What’s not to love!
ack. what I do is throw the oatmeal in the blender – dry – and powder it… then add skim milk and plain yogurt and a banana and the chocolate protein powder. This way you get the oatmeal goodness without, you know, tasting it, or dealing with that texture.
You have to let it sit for 20 minutes or so and then reblend though cause oatmeal is among those foods that are reluctant to blend.
happyfeet,
Too much work. Waaaay too much work. Don’t need the yogurt, banana or skim milk…don’t need the blender to clean up afterwards. A simple scoop of protein powder added to the oatmeal — voila! Plus, I like the taste!
ok. I need some more voila! in my life, that’s for sure.
The best thing for me is to invite some stiff, firm oatmeal up to my place, put on some bottom-heavy fuzak, turn the lights down low, and then…peel that oatmeal bare, drizzle some honey and liquid chocolate alllll over it, and just eat that stuff all evening. It’s good for the heart, they say; but I knew that before I ever read a word about it.
My oatmeal turned me in for talking some frosted mini wheats into coming over to my house to watch The Bad News Bears and, you know, see where it goes after that.
Wait a minute – you’re supposed to take this ‘oatmeal’ stuff ORALLY?
Man, that would be, like, way easier…
Red River Cereal: IT’S BECAUSE OF THE MULTI-CULTIVATING!