A message to Sheryl Crow: that single square of toilet paper idea you’ve been pushing? Completely unworkable. Unless you happen to pinch off tiny turdlettes like a bunny, I mean.
Me, I like the chile rellenos a bit too much. And the only time I ever passed a caper it was purely by accident: the little fella made the ultimate sacrifice in the course of doing some recon work for a footlong turkey ham sub that was fixing to splash down in the ol’ porcelain harbor about fifteen minutes later.
Sorry, Sheryl. But we can’t all be Lance Armstrong.
Developing…
update: By the way, Sheryl. I own one of your CDs. Which means that YOU WORK FOR ME!
Now go fetch me some roughage. Stat!
From the NR: We knew that radical environmentalism was advancing on all fronts, but we didn’t know it was advancing on all rears, too.
Note to self: patent 1-meter width toilet paper roll immediately.
TW: passed63 – you’ve got to be shitting me. Ha, this stuff writes itself.
All I can figure is, having one ball makes it easier to wipe.
Either way, that tour bus must be hell.
I think the one square thing is for peeing. That means the men are way ahead on this particular green (brown? yellow?) initiative.
Oh.
Well then.
Nevermind.
File under: Entirely Too Much Information
Anybody wants even more “too much information”?
Rabbit turdlettes make more than one trip through the rabbit.
Which, if Sheryl really is emulating them critters, I feel sorry for anybody that kisses her.
.
Me , I feel sorry for anyone who shakes her hand .
Sheryl Crow’s Indian name is Stinky Fingers.
On a Sunday morning following a Saturday night Bacchanal of chicken wings and beer, I’d like to wipe my burning ass on her…. Vigorously.
Let her try to clean that off with one square!
And just what would be wrong with utilizing the corn cobs left over from manufacturing biofuels for your hygiene needs?? Anybody thought of that? Huh? Huh?
OK, they don’t flush real well.
And they are kinda rough.
Never mind.
This reminds me of a joke. A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods. The bear looks down at the rabbit, and says: “When you take a crap, does the shit stick to your fur?” The rabbit says: “No.” So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.
Which is tragically funny in an ironic, fuck the oppressed, Neo-con foreign policy kind of way, but when you really think of it from a practical point of view makes no sense at all. I mean, how could you wipe your ass with something that shit doesn’t stick to you, you know?
Speaking of waste jokes … At halftime of an IU vs. Illinois game, an IU and Illinois fan are taking a piss next to each other. When the Illini fan is done, he tucks his massive johnson back in, zips up, and starts to leave. The IU fan says “I guess they don’t teach you to wash your hands after you piss in Illinois”. The Illini fan looks at him and says “No, you dumbshit, they teach us to not piss on our hands”.
Oskee wow wow to that!
Look: nothing beats a Sears-Roebuck catalog. Been usin’’em since 1889 with no problem. Trust me.
To the tune of “Steve McQueen”:
Like a grizz-ly bear,
All I need is just one square…
You can’t blame Cheryl Crow for getting the wrong idea about toilet paper. After watching Lance wipe his ass with assorted Europeans on bikes for seven or eight years running, she naturally assumed that toilet paper is unnecessary. Silly girl.
If she really wanted to save the earth, she’d suggest that we wipe our asses with skinny Frenchmen, just like Lance. That way, we wouldn’t use *any* toilet paper.
I would offer one caveat, however: wiping with skinny Frenchmen is likely to make your ass smell worse, especially if they’ve been racing a bicycle through Provence for 8 hours a day in mid-July.
The tw:name37 of the first Frenchman I’d use, is Thomas Voeckler, who rides for Francaise de Jeux.
What, I can’t use butane to light my farts any more?
Okay, I’m going62….
Actually, you can use one sheet effectively – with the right technique and training – as I learned in Basic Training from Drill Sgt. Helms, a stern task master who ensured his trainees (lovingly referred to as maggots) mastered this important field sanitation skill.
Take the single sheet (no double ply) and fold it in half diagonally. Fold it again diagonally forming a small triangle. Tear off the apex and put aside for now (details later). Open the sheet and you will have a neat hole in the center. Place your middle finger in the hole cupping the sheet in your palm. Wipe, scooping with the middle finger, front to back once. Remove the sheet by squeezing up the finger wiping along the way. Use the small center peice to clean under the fingernail.
…okay, now I feel sorry for anyone who lets her poach on his french fries.
…not to mention his M&M’s.
Brings a whole new meaning to “crack troops” doesn’t it.
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