Personally, I prefer my heroin straight out of the syringe—the gold running through my veins like a thousand railroad trains and all that—but if you simply must go ahead and snort the stuff, couldn’t you at least come up with a better street name than cheese?
Because sorry, but snorting “Texas cheese” conjures up images that are best left in the closet of your mind, back there in corner, beneath the white parachute pants you wore once and then discarded after a couple of bikers at Angel’s Grotto pub made you drink a wine cooler and sing a Wham! song before putting their boots to your ass like it was a shiny, polyester kickstand.
There’s no comfort in the truth…
“Behold the power of…” …what!?
Now that’s just plain funny. Regarless of what’s in your nose.
That might be one of the absolute best things I have read this year.
Sorry, Jeff, but for wearing white parachute pants, you got off easy…especially if you had the requisite faux “afro pick” comb sticking out of your back pocket!!
” sing a Wham! song “
Wouldn’t that best work in a Beverly Hills public restroom?
Que the Python!
“…Stilton?”
“Sorry, just out.”
“Cheddar?”
“No, not much call for it around here, I’m afraid.”
“Not much call for it? It’s the single most popular cheese in the world!”
“Not ‘round here, guv’nor.”
Jeff, you may want to give Bill Whittle a ping.
If you get my drift.
Unless you already have.
In which case that may be taken as a sexual innuendo.
Ciao.
To the tune of “Gentle On My Mind”
That time you said to meet you just to catch up
Down at Angel’s Grotto pub,
So we could get together, down a brewski,
And just maybe get some grub–
Well I thought that to impress you
I’d might wear my parachutey-styled pants,
But the bikers started laughing,
Made me sing a couple Wham songs,
And then they got medieval on my ass.
My ass was never so beaten
As when I was five or six
And I beat Johnny Eaton
In a game of pick-up sticks
But not to digress– my ass
Was likened unto grass
With several swift and potent
Motions of the foot
Now a boy can kicked you bruised
And a lady can make cry
But bikers all wear steel toed shoes
And that should tell you why.
Black Tar.
Texas Cheese.
Next thing you know, ol’ Jed’s a millionaire.
Upon being confronted with bikers familar with the Wham! ouvre an ass kicking would not be my greatest concern.
Said, “Venezuela is the place you oughta be!”
Holy Christ, dude! That little faggot just said “ouvre”!
To the tune of “Wake Up, Little Susie”
Break out all the pool cues,
Break out!
Break out all the pool cues,
Break out!
This guy with the parachute pants
Is lookin’ for a reason to dance.
He’s with his whore out on the floor
Did he say “ouvre” by chance?
Break out all the pool cues,
Break out all the pool cues.
but he done spelt it wrong no?
To the tune of “If You Could Read My Mind, Love”
But he done spelt it wrong no?
Maybe we should just let him go.
Not like he’s dancin’ out there, man,
With some nappy headed ho.
When you reach the part
Where you kick his ass,
Will that be really neat?
Humiliate complete?
Cuz it’s not like he’s some real tough guy
If you make him cry, is that really something?
Go and punch him in the eye
And them smoke some Thai stick and
Mellow out my friend.
So how long is it gonna be before Tylenol PM is behind the counter along with Sudafed and Claratin? Because of, you know, The Children.
The one with the earring and the makeup? Dude, I do not think that’s really his hair.
Kick my ass
before you go go.
Don’t leave me limping
‘round like a homo
Beat my ass before you go go
Break my femur tonight…
I need drugs drugs, for to ease my mind
I need to find, find some drug to calm my
Fuckin’ sinus, man!
You can’t hurry drugs, no
You just have to wait:
You know drugs don’t work instantly,
Even ‘fore the sell-by date.
Scorned and reviled!
Scorned and reviled!
Hittin’ my computer
Head out on the netway
Typin’ lots of bullshit
It’s just stuff that I say
Yeah, baby gonna make it happen
Piss off Marcotte and some other chicks
Yeah, there’s a-gonna be cock-slappin’
You and me and some other pricks
Like a true ‘puter child
We are scorned, scorned and reviled
We can type so fast
How can this ever last?
Scorned and reviled!
Scorned and reviled!
Dan’s obviously been into the runny Camembert…
Runny Camembert!
Runny Camembert!
Well, you’ve given me a number
And a-taken away my name!
I enjoy the wacked-out hallucinatory dreams I have when I fall into a Benadryl-induced nap, but it had never occurred to me until just now to augment them with heroin.
Benadryl:
My wife.
My life.
–Lou Reed
Jeezus H. Christ!!
You Know the lyrics to a Wham song?
Tried snorting coke once. No high and the bubbles made me sneeze (I know, old, old, old). So I’m not trying cheese, no matter how fine they grate it.
I. love. it.
Break my femur tonight?
What a hoot.
Oh cripes. I’m seriously laughing here and I really needed that today Dan. LOL It’s been a terrible week cuz of the ‘phrenia. please keep the hits coming if you can.
If they weren’t so damned clever, I’d be outraged at all the cheezy song lyrics following an artfully inserted John Prine reference by Jeff.
But as it stands, I’m off to blow up the tv, and feed the kids some peaches…
I writhe in shame that I could instantly remember that tune…
I’ll avoid all of the eighties dance tune references that the girls were into way back then and just have another beer before lights out.
So I can be up and ready to pull a patrol for the Wyandotte High School rowing regatta.
drive98? It’ll be a few more miles than that.
Then purge your mind with “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” Major John.
Gordon Lightfoot actually got that one right.
The wind in the wires made a tattle-tale sound;
As a wave broke over the railin’;
And every man knew;
As the captain did too –
Twas the Witch of November come stealin’
cost33? No; the Big Fitz took twenty-nine men with her when she died that November night.
Mikey,
That is better. Thanks.
Maybe I should just run the music from the “Army Strong” video over and over?
I have it on the .mp3 CD in my truck.
And yes, I’m about to burn a whole new CD, without that song.
Remember, McGehee, that he also did “Sundown” the quintessential early seventies summer song.
I can see her lyin back in her satin dress
In a room where ya do what ya dont confess
Sundown ya better take care
If I find you been creepin round my back stairs
Sundown ya better take care
If I find you been creepin round my back stairs
Shes been lookin like a queen in a sailors dream
And she dont always say what she really means
Sometimes I think its a shame
When I get feelin better when Im feelin no pain
Sometimes I think its a shame
When I get feelin better when Im feelin no pain
I can picture every move that a man could make
Getting lost in her lovin is your first mistake
Sundown ya better take care
If I find you been creepin round my back stairs
Sometimes I think its a sin
When I feel like Im winnin when Im losin again
I can see her lookin fast in her faded jeans
Shes a hard lovin woman, got me feelin mean
Sometimes I think its a shame
When I get feelin better when Im feelin no pain
Sundown ya better take care
If I find you been creepin round my back stairs
Sundown ya better take care
If I find you been creepin round my back stairs
Sometimes I think its a sin
When I feel like Im winnin when Im losin again
deep72? That’s about right for the year.
Mikey,
Now why you go and do that?! Now I really am going to have to put “Army Strong” on loop play.
My annual tribute to the Edmund Fitzgerald was packed with video links last year.
If heartaches were commercials we’d all be on teevee.
Texas Cheese is a great name. It sounds like it’s made from brains that age in the skull after being removed by chainsaws wielded by dudes with Ed Gein fetishes.
I ain’t snorting any, but it really is a great name.
Lovely. It appears that the target market for this “Cheese” is schoolkids. In some cases turning up in the hands of 4th graders. Looks like it’s time to throw necktie parties for the sub-human pieces of crap who’re dealing this stuff.
The verification word generator agrees with me. A long drop on a short24 rope.
Wait, wait, wait. So……you thought inflicting TWO Gordon Lightfoot songs on us somehow made up for the Wham? I’m sorry, I guess that should be “Wham!?” I suppose I could cut you some slack since they’re actually both the same song. Roy Firestone has a very funny bit about how all Gordon Lightfoot songs sound the same where he sings the Star Spangled Banner to the tune of, well, any Gordon Lightfoot song. Try it, it’s fun.
Oh, say can you see by the dawn’s early light….
I’ll probably have to endure CraigC’s wrath but…
The Wreck” is one of my favorite songs of all time, one of the first that I performed during my hippy folk singer phase. While the tune isn’t anything special, the lyrics are sublime. I’m just a sucker for a good storytelling song, anyway.
The lyric that always gives me chills:
Thanks for that link, Karl!
Like all the ‘Fromunda Cheese’ jokes…. Yeccchhhhh.
It’s not easy being cheezy, but I think y’all have succeeded.
By the way, do they cut this cheese?
The patrol was just south of where ‘Big Fitz’ was launched in 1958. A mere youngster (by Lakes reckoning) when she died.
Sorry, Major John. I do like ‘Sundown’; it reminds me of Up North and the woods and the lake.
Arthur M. Anderson still travels the Lakes. William Clay Ford is gone, but her pilothouse is part of the Dossin Great Lakes Museum, and she still looks over the Detroit River. As is an anchor that Edmund Fitzgerald lost in the river; now at Belle Isle. Of course, her ripped lifeboats are on the Valley Camp at the Soo.
And Mariners’ Church still recalls her memory in November. Too many lost to November.
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